(Closed) Move in before engagement??!

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 61
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Nabrani0915:  I love that! That actually makes a lot of sense.  It seems like it’s the difference between people actively choosing a path together, versus passively taking the next step.

Post # 62
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

We haven’t lived together, never spend the night (we are religious), and we are getting married in 4 months–By FAR our biggest anxiety about marriage is living together! I’ve never lived alone, but still, I know it will be an enormous adjustment learning to live with him. Everything from the thermostat (I’m always cold, he’s always hot) to his clutter…haha His place is a total bachelor pad.

With that in mind… Stay true to yourself and follow your instincts. I think he should respect your feelings about moving in after the ring.

Post # 63
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

jellibean:  I was very much like you – moving in only after engagement. But when I met my now Fiance he told me almost right off the bat that he felt it was important for people to live together before marriage becuase it really shows you a person. I thought, well we will see about that. Fast forward 6 months, we decided to live together and it was more of a “well i want to see this person everyday” so I went for it (28 years old, not a bad time to have ones own home). BEST DECISION EVER. He also mentioned the proposal within a year thing but 3 months after we moved in he proposed. He said he just knew. 

I dont know what your boyfriends story is, but especially if he grew up around divroce- this is important to him to get to live with you. It really is a different situation when you live together. 

That being said, you should do it only if you really want to wake up to him every morning and kiss him goodnight every night. Not because you are waiting for ring. It is not a tit-for-tat type of deal. By the same taken, consider the following:

– You said that this is a huge risk for you and a big step. For him, living together is not so huge but engagment is a risk. Think about it- it is much easier to MOVE OUT then break off an engagement. Is the risk of living together really outweighed by broken wedding plans and hurt feelings and families?

I think you guys are on a great path to a good compromise- You move in but he doesnt lead you on for more than a year. This way you both get what you want. Who knows, you might think that livign with him is the most amazing thing ever and he might realize he wants to marry you within a month of living with you becuase its so awesome and exactly as he pictured it.

Post # 64
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

jellibean:  Does your current situation allow you to spend the night with each other more often?  I’ve lived with someone twice; an ex-boyfriend and my current Darling Husband. In both situations, by the time we moved in together, we were spending about 6 nights a week together for at least several months. And in both cases, there were absolutely no surprises when we actually moved in together. 

If this is possible for you two, I think this is the best way to get to know what it’s like to live together without actually taking that step when you don’t want to live together before engagement (which I think is a 100% valid stance, even though I didn’t make that choice, so don’t let people talk you out of it if that’s how you feel!)

Post # 65
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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Post # 66
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

summerlove23:  Exactly! Before I researched this topic, I wasn’t aware of how common this issue really is. So hopefully it will be of some help 

Post # 67
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

jellibean:  

You wish you understood why he was so keen to move in together? Your posts make me wonder if his living situation with his flat mates could be part of his rush. If so, then by all means should he move out of his bad living situation and have his own place. If he won’t manage his own place then that would be an entirely different “red flag” type discussion.  

 

Post # 68
Member
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Washingtonian:  “Ugh I hope if you break up with him and find someone else you go through this again.” 

How awfully and incredibly spiteful of you. You’re actively wishing doom on OP’s relationship(s) because her opinions, values, or whatever you want to call them differ from yours. Seriously? 

 

Post # 69
Member
415 posts
Helper bee

MrsBuesleBee:  sassy411:  +1

ITA with both of you except she wouldn’t even be auditioning to be his wife.

It would be an audition for a lousy, freaking proposal — for a wedding that may be 5 or 10 years off. Or never.

OP, stick to your guns! If he can’t even speak the words “Will you marry me?” without living together first, combined with the fact that he has gone poof for five days — that, for me, would be grounds for cutting him loose.

And for the record, I didn’t move in with my now Darling Husband until after we were married.  We never went into marriage expecting  that we needed a trial run so that we could throw in the towel if the going got rough. Instead we get along and work things out because we are one million percent committed to each other.

Post # 70
Member
580 posts
Busy bee

Are you worried you’ll just become a live in girlfriend and nothing more? It’s true some men are just happy with significant other that move in  and don’t want a bigger commitment. It’s seems like he wants the benefts without true commitment for long term… 

I agree that’s it’s good idea to live together. Only if you both agree you’re both looking to get engaged and married not just to play house. I moved in with my boyfriend after 2 years of dating. Lived together for a year and we just got engaged at beginning of October! 

Don’t put yourself in situation you know will end up with heartache! Seems like you guys disagree about some serious relationship topics. I feel like at 28 you should know what you want in relationship… 

Some people are totally different when they start live with each other… is that what he’s worried about? 

 

Good luck

Post # 71
Member
1232 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

jellibean:  Yes, him living in my house would still be living together, but involves less sacrifice on my part.  I’m not willing to make the sacrifice of moving out of my neighborhood and into a home that I don’t *love* like I love my home unless we’re engaged.  Maybe it doesn’t make sense in writing, but it makes sense in my head.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by  Whirlwind03.
Post # 72
Member
2443 posts
Buzzing bee

jellibean:  you say being engaged is protecting you. What if you aren’t strong enough to move out, that’s on you not him. 

Living together is him trying to protect himself. An egagement is a giant commitment and he wants to make sure you can get along and live together to ensure that you can stay together the rest of your lives. 

He said he wants to get engaged. Just wants to make sure they can get along. Remember men are more systematic in thinking. They make plans, they have certain things that they need to do before they will propose. 

 

Post # 75
Member
2001 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

jellibean:  stand your ground, don’t settle.. Don’t allow him to pressure you.  The only “compromise” he’s making is to tell you he may agree to engagement in a year!  Um no thanks

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