Post # 1
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
Would you move out when your Fiance is away without telling him? Have you ever done this? This includes taking our 2 cats that he loves. I’m not doing it to be spiteful but I just think it would be easier on both of us to move out when he’s not here. We have been having problems for a while due to his seeming reluctance and excuses of why he is half hearted about participating in moving our relationship forward/getting married/putting money together. When I ask him why he acts this way he tells me he doesn’t know why. He won’t bring our supposed wedding up unless I do and it’s always been this way. I have had the most degrading, upsetting and frustrating last few years with him watching all of my friends get married and have children. We have been together for over 6yrs and engaged for 18mths. He is 40 and I am 34. It is scary starting again at 34. I just hope I can meet the right person in time to have our own children. I guess dating is different in your 30s?
Thanks 🙂
Post # 3
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
Everyday you stay makes it harder to leave because you dont want to feel like you wasted all that time, but you have to have a cut off time… that time when you say you cant wait around anymore. He does not seem to want to actually get married and since he’s already 40 I’m thinking he might be stuck in his ways and wont change. I would say move out and start over. Find that person who wants what you want. Its never too late and 34 is still young. While he’s away would definately make it easier because there would be no conflict until he comes back. So do it if you feel its the right thing to do.
Post # 4
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
I’ve never done it and, obviously, I don’t know your situation too well, but I think it seems like a bit of a gutless move to just disappear while he’s gone. I think you would be better off preparing to move out while he’s gone – sending some of your essentials to a friend’s house, organising where the cats will stay, etc. Then preparing a “This is it” kind of speech for when he gets back and see how he reacts.
On the other hand, you could move all your stuff out and be there to tell him it’s over/you’re taking a break/whatever. I just think leaving without a word doesn’t leave a lot of room for closure for either of you.
Post # 5
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
Honestly, though it might be easier to do it that way, I think it’s more respectful (for you and him both) to let him know what’s going on. If he agrees, then go for it, and move out while he’s away. To do it without telling him, though, well that’s just kinda cold.
I agree with @LadyElva – it doesn’t leave much closure for either of you.
Post # 6
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
If not having him around gives you the strength to move out, I think you should do it. Clearly this relationship is not what you want. I think the best thing for both of you is to end it. Best of luck.
Post # 7
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
It may be easier, but it’s probably the least fair way to handle things. He probably knows you are having problems (it sounds like he does), but if you just disappear into the night, you don’t give him— or you— the opportunity to really work on them. It’s kind of cowardly. And it is definitely a relationship-ending move. I don’t think either of you would grow at all emotionally from you leaving while he’s gone, and I really do believe that every difficult experience you go through makes you stronger.
Post # 8
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
Well, for the last couple of months some of my things have been at my house, as I never brought them back after a 3wk break we had. I couldn’t bring myself to bring them back and put tenants back in my house (I feel this would have left me stuck here again while we live on his timeline). When we had counselling I said that I don’t feel I have any other choice but to leave and I don’t trust him to move our relationship forward and a few other mean things. When the counsellor asked him how he feels about what I said his answer was “I think she wants to go but doesn’t have the stomach to do it”!! So he knows it’s been coming and he had plenty of chances to change. He’s the only one who had the power to change the relationship, as he was the one reluctant to get married.
Post # 9
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee
One of my friends did it and it worked for her/them. He was understandably upset when he got home, but really it was the best thing for both of them. It saved a LOT of drama on both sides.
Today, they are each married (to other people), they are both parents now, and they are both separately Happy with their lives.
Post # 10
Member
3962 posts
Honey bee
@esplanfreedom: I did do it, just upped and left one day, I was 18 and had been living with my boyfriend at the time for like 2 months (it was a 6 year relationship from school). It was the best decision I ever made but also one of the hardest. I think it may be wise to give him a heads up, out of respect if nothing else. Good luck whatever your decision.
Post # 11
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
I also told him a week ago I was going to end our relationship because I don’t see how it can work anymore when I don’t trust what he says about wanting to get married, moving us forward and when he doesn’t go out of his way to regain my trust. He said nothing. When I asked him haven’t you got anything to say he answered me with “what am I supposed to say”! In the past he has said “you don’t have to go”, “this is your home”, “I don’t want you to go”. I think he has given up also and would probably be relieved that I’ve left.
Post # 12
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
If the relationship is abusive, then yes, I would leave while he was gone. It doesn’t sound like that is the case here, though. I think that unless there is a danger to you to leave while he’s there, (again, in the case of abuse, for example), then it is cowardly and incredibly immature to just pack your bags and go while the other person is gone. This is someone you obviously love(d) and care(d) about, (you are engaged and living together, after all), I think you at least owe him the courtesy of an adult break-up.
Post # 13
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
You’ve answered your own question. He doesn’t care, you shouldn’t either!! Just leave and good riddance!
Post # 14
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
I don’t see anything wrong with your plan especially as it doesn’t sound like he’d be surprised based on his comment in the counseling. You guys can talk about it if you both want to when he gets back. I’m 30, and if any of my friends were in the same situation, I’d tell them to hit the road ASAP and get on with it. We are old enough to know what we want. Gl!
Post # 15
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
If you are asking yourself that kind of question, then I think you know your answer.
Cut your losses while it is easier to do. If he doesnt care you sure don’t want to stick around looking like an idiot hoping things get better. Good luck to you.
Post # 16
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
@esplanfreedom: If you’re set on leaving, then move out without him. However, you cannot unilaterally make a decision about your cats, and he deserves a conversation about why and how you are breaking up (unless you fear for your safety in telling him)
What you’re describing is pretty cold, when you factor in the pets and no conversation.
As for moving itself, I say go for it, if you’re sure you want to be done with him. But give him the oportunity to talk with you, be upset with yo, grieve over you, and make an argument for the interest of his own pets.
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