(Closed) Moved half way across the world only to break up

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
309 posts
Helper bee

No person that you are about to marry should be put on the back burner while you ‘re-evaluate’ – that sounds like an open relationship to see if there is something better around the corner.  You deserve better.

 

Post # 17
Member
3185 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

cupcakesnbiltong:  it doesn’t sound like there was an imbalance of you taking his time. You want to be with him. You want the relationship an engaged couple has. This should be a happy time. But he doesn’t sound like he is the one. Hell he sounds like 14 year old me trying to break up with my first boyfriend. Here’s a question do you want kids. If so would he be bailing on you when you had kids? Sounds like you’re the only one putting in the effort. Trust me contact hr go somewhere else meet the tfhd love of your life. It will be OK. This guy sounds like one immature speed bump. But a speed bump nonetheless. Dear, you should totally work on you. But I bet him ditching you all the time is damaging to your self worth. Psyche and self esteem. Its amazing what a bad relationship can fobyo s person.

Post # 18
Member
4815 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

cupcakesnbiltong:  There is a quotation floating around the ‘net – Never choose someone who has to think twice about choosing you.  

You deserve to feel like a priority, not like a book to be put on a shelf and maybe taken off the shelf in the future.  Take back your life, and find a man who makes you feel important no matter what else is happening in life.  *hugs*

Post # 19
Member
2968 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

cupcakesnbiltong:  I think that he is not only not being sensitive to your feelings, but he is being completely dismissive of them. You have tried to communicate with him and he turns the situation around on you and says hurtful things and becomes even more distant. You picked up your life and moved to be with him in his home and he has done nothing to be welcoming or help you with the transition. To be honest with you, he seems like a jerk.

The fact that you want to do whatever to work on the relationship and he just wants to “press pause” and act single for 3 months means that he wants to keep you around AND still have the benefits of being single. I think this speaks volumes as to where your relationship stands.

I’m so sorry you are hurting, but please dont wait around for him to keep making these decisions for you and to make this seem like this is YOUR problem. He is a coward that wants to party and prioritize things other than you and your relationship. I don’t think he realized this when he brought you over there and now it has sunk in that you are staying. After being in a long term relationship, I don’t think he really wants having one that is right in front of him so it’s easier for him to call you clingy because he doesn’t want to own up to his actions or what he wants.

 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by  MissJulianna.
Post # 20
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

cupcakesnbiltong: I’m so sorry you’re going through this bee. I wouldn’t be able to stay wtih someone who wanted a 3 month “break” from me. It sounds like he wants to see what the single life feels like. If he loves it then in 3 months you’ll be out. If he doesn’t love it, then he still has the option of going back to you. I wouldn’t be someone’s second choice.

Bee, you are NOT wrong or clingy (no way!!) for wanting him to spend time with you, and consult you before he breaks plans. Your fiance should be your best friend. I’m an introvert and my husband is an extrovert. I would be happy sitting at home every night after work recharging and relaxing. He would be happy going out and socializing with friends every night. We compromise because more than either of us value our alone time/social time, we value time TOGETHER even more.

I go out socializing with him on the weekends because I want to be with HIM. He stays home with me on weeknights because he wants to spend time with ME. It sounds like your fiance would rather spend time with his friends than with you, and I say, let him. You deserve someone who will choose you every day – someone who will choose you over anyone else, including the next party.

Good luck bee!

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by  Soon2bmrs1.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by  Soon2bmrs1.
Post # 21
Member
4943 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

cupcakesnbiltong:  I’m so sorry, this is really disappointing. Not that it’s an excuse, but it sounds like he’s just so caught up in catching up with old friends that you’ve been put on the back burner. I definitely wouldn’t put my life on hold for 3 months so that he can reevaluate – what if in 3 months he still doesn’t want to be a couple? He’s not being understanding, either, of the fact that you uprooted your life for him. ((hugs))

Post # 22
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

 

cupcakesnbiltong:  

Sounds like a good plan of action, actually. Any professional worth their salt would have considered contingency plans and I’m glad to see that you have. 

Now I’m going to sound like I’m contradicting myself, lol.

Consider staying. Build your career there for awhile. It’s likely a smaller pool of fish than what can be found in the States. What a beautiful part of the globe to experience. Would you have ever lived here had it not been for this particular romance? If you’re in J’burg, that’s a big enough town to grant him a wide berth if y’all go splitsville. And you’re still local in case he snaps out of his “I’m home!” brain fog and makes amends, as well as proving himself to be the better man than any others of your acquaintance after however long of a timeframe you choose. I figure you were serious enough about each other to move there so it’s serious enough to stay and fight for it. I just don’t see this as a “throwing good money after bad” kind of decision. 

Having said this, if you decided to cut him loose it would totally make sense. He committed to marriage with you. You both moved to the same continent/country/town, transferred jobs, began integrating your lives together in what was supposed to become your first home together (that happened to be his home turf). Now it seems he wants to jilt you. It’s marginally better than having been left at the altar but it still stinks to high heaven since you managed such a significant relocation to make it possible. And I’d definitely keep the ring in this case.

Anyway, the hopeless romantic in me hopes to hear from you before too long about a romantic story of redemption. It could happen!

😉

 

 

Post # 23
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I agree with most PPs. This really sounds like a one sided relationship, and that’s not fair. 

Accept his proposition and go home. If he decides that he wants to be in a relationship, let him make the commitment. You did your part. 

Post # 24
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

It’s not worth it. I’d move on if I were you. He’s unsympathetic to the fact you have no friends or family there. Life will throw even more curveballs post marriage or post having kids.

The fact he said he wants to break up means he has been thinking about it for a while. You want to be with someone whose first response to seeing problems in a long term relationship be: let’s work on us and seek therapy, spend more time together, etc. You deserve better and I’m sorry you had to experience that. I hope you meet a man who will fight for you and understand that to love is to work together towards growing as couple in life through all kinds of challenges. 

Post # 25
Member
1006 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

…….

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by  NonannaS.
Post # 26
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

cupcakesnbiltong:  I suffer from some PTSD from an abusive home growing up, and Fiance suffers from gernal anxiety disorder, so I guessed.  Also growing up the way I did, I ahd to learn to read emotions pretty well to avoid punishment – if Mom or Dad acts a certain way, make yourself scare kind of stuff.  I’ve found most abused kids have developmed this to some extent, reading people’s feelings, I’m just hyperaware when I “listen” to someone.

It’s okay to have anxiety.  If you know about it, you’re working on it and that’s all you can do.  Like I said, the best thing in any case, regardless of your relationship status, is to work on YOU.  This doens’t mean writing things off, or going along with th ‘break’, or anything.  It’s about finding what you need to feel better where you are.  I don’t really condone the break myself, because that ususally DOES lead to a break up and says “I give up”, even though a lot of snap judements on here state otherwise.  Only the person in the shoes of deciding to leave a 5 year relationship that has spanned countires can make that call.  It’s easy to state, “leave you can do better” if it’s not you.  And leaving may honestly be what’s best in the end if you can your Fiance can’t communicate better about how both of your needs are not meeting up.  So I am not knocking people who have said it, I just know it’s never that easy, even without having uprooted to move.

Also, it sounds like a lot about your dynamic has changed as your location changed, from the friends you share to your activities with them.  Are these yours FI’s longtime friends from back home pretty much?  Are they mostly other couples or singles?  Would it help more if he aquiesced to telling you with fair worning about wanting to go out with them instead of springing it on you?  Could the suddeness of it be part of what triggers you?  Like you’ve had enough changes already and need some plans to feel better?  And so going out if not tired is fine, just give a day’s or a few hours’ warning?

“I think I should at least try and lay out where I am coming from.”  

^^^Yes.  Even if for no other reason than to know you did your best and tried to communicate as much as you can, and also if needed, for closure.  The best way to avoid a “what if” is to talk about it.  Tell him, “hey, I know you want a break, but can I have 30 minutes to talk?  I don’t know how to explain this, but if there is any chance to stay together, you need to hear this, and I need to know your feelings about what I have to say.  After that, we can take some time to determine if a break is needed/wanted, or if we should stick out like the married couple we want to be and work on this a little each day until we both get what we need out of this, because if we get married, things are going to come up and we need to know we can work through them and not toss in the towel, or toss the towel now and save us both a lot of time.” Or whatever sounds good to you.  

So – about you.  I know you’re working part of the week – is there time to seek out anyhting in the community to be part of on your own?  I know in the states when I’ve talked to ladies in similar boats, I’ve suggested art classes at night, yoga/exercise classes (good for insomnia if you have it – I do), volunteering at soup kitchens or animal shelters, church if that follows your beliefs, anything like the Boys and Girls Club – all things to help you feel good about yourself, and sometimes even help others.  This kind of stuff also helps you meet new people, and you could maybe make some new friends of your own, independent of your Fiance.  Is any of this a possibility where you are?  If you are to keep your own identity in this new place, new activities can help 🙂  

AND, if he has to compete for your time and attention, instead of it being there always, your Fiance might not be so nonchalant about breaking dates or special time alone.  This is not a ploy to play games, it’s just a simple truth – if you are an independent person, happy on your own, he might feel more of a need to grab and hold onto you than if you are mildly co-dependent on him as your only source of companionship and activities.

Anyway, I hope whatever happens when you talk to each other, you are okay.  I’ve moved lots, been on my own lots, and know it’s scary to be soewhere new, and I’ve only been in the US.  

Post # 27
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

 

Isilme:  

I wish I could click “helpful” on your post a few more times.

 

Post # 28
Member
12 posts
Newbee

sunshinelove007:  Damn straight! If things started going downhill only two months after she moved halfway across the world for him, then he obviously was already having doubts even before she moved. Why not say something before she uprooted herself in such a big way? I wouldn’t even allow him to come to me at some point down the road. If I moved to the states, I’m already moved on from this relationship. Period.

Post # 29
Member
1053 posts
Bumble bee

If you have to go to couples therapy before marriage… I think thats just a path to disaster

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