(Closed) Moved half way across the world only to break up

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Don’t make a priority of someone who sees you as an option. 

He’s breaking up with you. He has no intention of “reevaluating” anything. It’s just a way to let you down easy. You can definitely do better than this guy who sounds like he’d rather be single and hanging with his friends. And for some reason I think there may be more involved here…as in another female. My spider sense is tingling.

Post # 32
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2016

cupcakesnbiltong:  I;m so sorry to hear your situation Bee 🙁 

My fiance is also South African and after meeting his friends, family and childhood friends from his hometown, I have gotten used to the fact that South African people tend to be very ‘straight up’ and ‘no nonsense’ type of people. This does not excuse his behaviour in the slightest, but some of the things which he has said are not so much ‘mean’ (as other bees have said) as they are ‘brutally honest’. I think you know what you need to do, as you can NOT force somebody to communicate. You simply can’t. 

As heartbreaking as this is for you, I hope you come around and realise you deserve somebody who chooses YOU – every time 🙂 This is a hard time, and I am so sorry it doesn’t seem to be working out 🙁 but deep down you know you deserve better. Instead of dwelling on ‘If only he could communicate’ you should dwell on the fact he is being very selfish towards you, especially in this transitionary period for you. Hugs  xx 

Post # 33
Member
4243 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Let me get this straight…he wants to go on a “break” for 3 months to re-evaluate this 5 year relationship.  Ummmm…it doesn’t work like that.  “Breaks” are complete and utter BS.  Either you’re together or you’re not.  I hate to say it hun but I don’t think there’s anything left to “fight” for as it sounds like he is already checked out of this relationship.

Does it suck?  Absolutely.  Will you get through this?  Absolutely.  He isn’t making you a priority at all and as a result you are feeling like you’re too needy.  I’ve been in that type of situation before, thinking that it was me who was the problem when in reality it was HIM.  In my situation he would make me feel guilty for wanting to talk to him on the phone.  He called me “needy” and say “I’m not ready to talk to you yet” and basically try to call the shots.  It suuuuucked and I definitely did not feel like myself at all.

Have some respect for yourself and when you talk to him look him straight in the eye and tell him that his suggestion of keeping you on the back burner isn’t going to fly.  Tell him that you are done with this BS and leave.  I know it’s hard — trust me, I totally get it — but there are better guys out there who will make you their priority.

Post # 34
Member
1122 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I moved from the East Coast to the West Coast for a bf, to a city where he was raised and I knew no one.  He made it impossible for me to be happy.  I struggled to find work (we moved for a job opportunity for him) and therefore struggled to make friends.  He had a handful of girl friends from college and literally told me I could not be friends with him, they were his friends.  He didn’t help me be happy, and so I knew I could not continue the relationship with him.  It sucks but I wanted to let you know you aren’t alone and that it’s really tough to move to an SOs hometown.  

Post # 35
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Hes being pretty obvious that he doesn’t want to spend any more time with you.  I think he felt beholden because you moved so far to be with him.  If you are considering– in the back of your mind— that 3 months from now you will see if he wants to get back together…  Please don’t .

Plus all your plans to tell him this and tell him that and explain the whole world of relationships to him …  Please have some self respect and just GO.  

You sound like you have an amazing career and life!  Don’t waste yourself on this disrespectful Mr Fun party boy who needs to be ‘wid his fwens.”

Post # 36
Member
2110 posts
Buzzing bee

In no way are you being needy – you have uprooted your life for this man, there is an adjustment period and he needs to support you.

He sounds very selfish and I can’t believe he expects a hold to be put on your relationship for 3 months.

I would just walk away.

Post # 37
Member
836 posts
Busy bee

cupcakesnbiltong:  sounds like growing pains. when i moved to be with my then bf, we had a lot of trouble adjusting because he liked his space and i had NO ONE and was entirely dependent on him at the time. we learned to work through it, communicate and you will BOTH learn how to make each other happy living together.

Post # 38
Member
6269 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t have anything to add in terms of advice as the bees have given you lots of really good feedback and ideas

i just wanted to post to say you sound very self aware and not a clingy problem or anything like that. It seems like you are doing a really good job of processing all of this. Proud of you!

the only little thing id add, is don’t necessarily be in a hurry to leave SA totally straight away. Talk to your boss and seniors. There may be a good job opportunity either in sa if you stick it out for a bit, or elsewhere and it’s ‘brewing’ so staying in situ job wise may work in your favour now. talk to your company about it, especially if you can connect with a good mentor in the SA department. 

Post # 39
Member
451 posts
Helper bee

I find it odd that this man wants a three month “break” which takes you right past all the important holidays that one spends with family, friends, and loved ones. I guess you’re just supposed to sit in a flat all by yourself, while everyone else makes merry? That’s not how this is supposed to work. 

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