(Closed) Moved out and so, so sad…

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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ZenBeeNine:  What has he said when you talk about marriage and kids? I’m assuming you’ve had rational discussions about this and not just freak-out moments. Has he ever said that he wants the same things, and when?

Post # 3
1789 posts
Buzzing bee

Hugs. It takes a strong person to stay, but an even stronger person to let go. Breathe,  and think. You’re gonna be just fine 

Post # 5
937 posts
Busy bee

I think he is right in wanting to wait on marriage and kids until things between you aren’t so strained. Having a baby won’t solve your stress and anxiety issues, or the issues you’re having in your relationship.

I think you should go to your birthday celebration, but go back to your friend’s, even if things go really well. You two need time and distance to reflect. You should go to counselling. 

Post # 6
22 posts
  • Wedding: June 2015

Welcome to your new life.  I also suggest counseling, and it is very important that you find your own place to live, whether it be with friends or your own flat. Please do not go back to cohabitate.


Do not let him use your weight, or financial affairs or his “rules” to get in the way of discovering what a lovely person you are.  It is scary not having familiar routines,  but honestly, if a Man is 40 and putting things off, it will never change. 

What do you want to do on your birthday?  What he planned or something spontaneous surrounded by girl friends?

Post # 7
50 posts
Worker bee

wdwin2015 is right – please use this time to get yourself on solid footing. See a counsellor, get a place of your own. Love yourself. 

When I read this, there was so much of it I felt you could have been writing about me and my marriage to my ex-H. Oh, the things he would say to me when he was drunk…. it was horrible. And I never, to this day, doubted the remorse was sincere. What helped me get out of a bad thing was learning that even sincere remorse often isn’t enough to break the pattern. 

Life is tough – there will always be challenges. That perfection he wants, well it just doesn’t exist. The ones who make it for real understand that and take risks and work through the mess, TOGETHER. It sounds like you both have a lot of work to do on your own separately before even contemplating this together. 

My heart goes out to you. 

Post # 8
4103 posts
Honey bee

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ZenBeeNine:  I read most of your original post and this one. Honestly, this is a problem within yourself. You are unhappy with who you are and what you have accomplished in your life and you are taking it out on your boyfriend. That’s not fair. I’m sure he’s not innocent in all this, but honestly you cannot have a healthy relationship if you put all of your doubts and perceived failures on him and make it the relationship’s fault. Wanting a proposal or kids or a house together is not the answer. Having a solid relationship where you both have love, respect, and honesty is what matters. My best advice to you would be to work on yourself through therapy as well as couple’s counseling. When you are happy with yourself and who you are, maybe you will see that he is the right person. Either way, working on you will be the key to your happiness!

Post # 9
1496 posts
Bumble bee

The only advice I can really offer is that I think you should go for counselling by yourself. I think you have a lot of issues that you need to work out for yourself, before you will be able to see clearly whether this guy is right for you or not. 

If you two love each other as much as you say you do, then I believe that love is strong enough to overcome all this. I think you need to work out your own personal issues first though, and seeing a professional might help you achieve this.

Post # 10
77 posts
Worker bee

Happiness comes from within. Be happy and he will be happy. You can’t be miseraleand expect someone to make you happy. Work on your issues first and then you can have a relationship. If you are broken you break him too

Post # 11
389 posts
Helper bee

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ZenBeeNine:  ZenBeeNine, I read your previous post (though not the replies) and then read this post.  I think you are doing what is healthiest for yourself by moving out and putting this relationship on hold, or possibly ending it.  I am sure this man has many wonderful qualities that make you love him, but some of the details just seemed so…controlling and emotionally abusive.  Waiting for a set time to pass before telling you he loves you; taking you to look at engagement rings when he knows you are wanting to get engaged but then not purchasing one.  Again, it seems controlling to me, and the drunk argument should really be the last straw.  Especially because I am sure this was not the first time that has happened.  I would disregard the other commenters who chime in that “men have their own schedule” or “the only problem is your self-esteem.”  No, someone who claims to love you will not continue to treat you in a way when he knows it makes you unhappy.  

I agree with wdwin2015, don’t let him use what you consider your faults against you.  If you truly love eachother, you can find a way to work it out in the future, but for that to happen, you need to take the time now to work through why this relationship is making you miserable.  Couples counseling or solo counseling might be a good idea. 

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