Post # 1
Hi Bee’s, I am writing this because I always find the comments on the bee full of wisedom and good ideas. This is a long story but I’ll keep it short! 🙂
My SO is graduating university next year and got a fabulous graduate position in his field (Engineering) for 2 years! The only concern is it is 3 states and 4000 kms away! Its literally on the other side of the country from where we are. I can’t imagine not going with him because he is just amazing! We click so well and I really think that he is who I will be spending the rest of my life with. Just for general reference we are both 23 and have been together for 5 years now.
Going with him I’ll be leaving a great job, my current bachelor degree, my family, and all my friends. I am looking at a Masters program over there in the same field as my current bachelor that would drastically improve my future employment chances. Working while studying would be extremely difficult and in discussions about this with SO he is really supportive and says he is happy to support me for the next 2 years while I am studying. He was the first one too suggest I pursue this masters and he will certainly be earning the money to do this…
I guess I am just nervous because I have never lived outside of my family’s state, and I have never relied on SO financially before.
I was wondering if any of you have experiences with moves like this? If you have any advice for me, or discussions I should be having with SO before I leave at the end of the year I would be very happy to hear them! Thanks all!
Post # 2
It sounds as if you’ve thought this through & discussed it thoroughly with your SO. What are your main concerns? Leaving friends & family? Giving up your job?
I understand what you mean about being financially dependent. I’m a lot older than you are & the idea of being financially dependent on my own husband gives me hives, even though he is completely trustworthy & responsible.
Post # 3
sassy411: Primarily the finances thing. SO is a very good perspn and I trust him completely but it still unnerves me… I have never beeen dependant on anyone except myself really so it will be a big change.
A part of me is scared he will start to resent me or something, not because he has done anything to suggest he would BUT it is something I have heard about before.
I was also worried while we have discussed this in depth because this is the first thing like this we have both done that maybe we were missing some critical issue that should be obvious!
Post # 4
I moved to the otherside of the world where I have to be financially dependant on my now husband (when we moved we were still bf/gf) Its really hard especially if you are used to being independant! It sounds like you have really thought this through and have a great plan for when you get there! Its important that you both dont think of it as HIS money but as “our” money.
Remember its only temporary and then you will be working and earning a living again!
Post # 5
Abouttobeemrsp: wow that would have been a massive advebture for you! Were there any issues in particular that came up for you both?
I am definitely taking relief in the idea that my masters and his graduate program will finish around the same time and then after that I will be back to full time work!
Post # 6
In regards to finances and him ever feeling resentful no because he knows what it took for me to move here and leave everything. When he decided to move us here he knew I couldnt work here so he was very accepting of that!
Most of our issues actually came from me being resentful that he gets to go to work everyday and I am stuck at home and unable to work! You are lucky you will have your masters program to help you make friends and get to know your new city!
I would discuss before hand how many times you want to be able to go visit your family/friends and work the flights into your budget so Christmas or whenever doesnt come up and you dont have the disposable income to fly to your family!
The best advice I was given before we moved here was a month or two after moving here take a weekend away and when you come back say “I am going home.” It may sound really silly but it actually helps! It made this new home feel more like home!
Post # 7
Abouttobeemrsp: Wow I really like the ‘I am going home’ thing – I hadn’t thought of that but I think it would really help! 🙂
I also hadn’t thought about factoring in flights into our budgets. Thats a fantastic idea because I definitely want to be able to fly to see my family at least once or twice.
I am awaiting on acceptance into masters – its a very competitive program but for a reason: its once of the best in Australia for my degree. If I don’t get in I can transfer into an undergraduate program (like what I am in now) so I was hoping to meet people at university. I wasn’t sure if finding a group or hobby thing might help me meet people as well?
I can definitely understand how you could occasionally get resentful being at home while he is working! What do you do to stay sane?
Post # 8
Join all the clubs/hobby things you can! Making friends is key! Hopefully you get accepted into the masters program! Sounds like an awesome program! But its great you have a plan B!
With my husbands job we will be always moving so we go through lots of training (which sounds crazy) but for each 8 hour class you go to you probably take away 5 minutes of worth while advice! lol
I take a lot of online courses and luckily every once and awhile a contract job for his company comes up and I get to work for awhile!
Post # 9
We did the same thing 5 years ago after we got married. We moved across the country for his new job and I started my Masters degree. It was hard for the first year when I was alone and he was working or traveling but once I got a job, it was a lot easier to handle. I was able to make friends in class and at work to keep me company when he travels.
Post # 10
Which state are you moving to? If you’re coming to Vic a great way to meet people is at my rotary club! But seriously, whichever state you’re heading to, look up Rotary. There are young or multigenerational clubs in all states now and it’s wonderful for professional development , meeting new people, interesting & inspiring speakers and getting warm fuzzies from helping others 🙂 having moved from NZ to Sydney to Melbourne it’s been a great way to break the ice in a new city.
Post # 11
You’ll be fine.
I met my SO 6 weeks before moving from Melbourne to Byron Bay indefinitely, where he would have had no chance whatsoever to work in his industry. After much soul searching he ended up giving up his 100k / yr job in Melb to come with me, have zero income and do a Masters degree externally whilst we were there. It was a HUGE gamble for both of us!!!
Two years later he’s just completed his masters, I couldn’t be more proud of him, and I don’t resent supporting him through his studies one bit. It’s furthered his employment potential within his field, and subsequently will benefit us as a couple (and family once we have babies) in the future.
My advice would be go for it. Plus airfares home are SO cheap Tiger!!!!
Post # 12
- Wedding: Royal Park Hotel
Before you move I’d make sure you guys discussed getting married and a timeline (if that’s even what you want.)
I’ve known girls who have moved in order to follow a guy and it didn’t work out. They survived but it was difficult. As long as you feel like you’re making the right choice, it’s the right choice. Personally – I wouldn’t want to be financially dependent on a boyfriend and leave an entire life behind. That’s not secure enough for me. It’s different if it’s a fiance or husband.
Post # 13
Abouttobeemrsp: haha I know the type of courses… my work was full of them last year! At least they give you time to daydream, or make mental lists of things you need to do once you’re out of there! 🙂 It sounds like you guys have really made it work well for you both.
Post # 14
Hmm this is so hard cause I will be in a similar situation probably in the future, however I am much more hesitant than you so I think you are very brave!!! Just to make sure, you will finish your undergrad first before moving out?
I’m in a LDR with FI since a yr cause he went to study for his PhD and I stayed for my masters which is not available in his city. We’ve been together 7 yrs before that. I decided to do a masters because it would give me more chances to find a job near FI’s city, but if I stayed here I wouldn’t even have thought about studying more, which is kinda paradoxical cause I am doing the masters to be together in the long-term, but it separates us for even longer in the short-term : (
I just can’t see myself move out and not get a job, I would be incredibly annoyed and frustrated if it happened, especially after studying so much! I guess I’m a very independent person and cannot imagine living off my FI’s scholarship money… Hence why I’d rather be separated from him now and then join him later! I hope you can be accepted to your program and I wish you goodluck with all the process!! Give us some news : )
Post # 15
MrsSaltWaterTaffy: That sounds like a very similar situation to mine! I am really glad to hear it all worked out well for you. I am really hoping I make friends in class etc, I definitely need girl time as well as spending time with SO… and like yours he might need to travel and work on a roster for parts of his job so I might not see him for a few weeks at a time. Definitely will need my own things to do while he is gone.
goingtotherooftopoflove: Wow I hadn’t thought of the rotary club but thats a great idea!! I have heard some really good things about it for socialising and career development etc. We are moving from NSW to Perth in WA so literally the whole way across the country! I am sure Perth would have Rotary! And man that’s a hell of a few moves for you! 😮 You’d have to be a moving pro by now! 🙂
SomeBlonde: That sounds so similar – and what a massive gamble! I am so glad to hear it’s worked out for the best, thats what I remind myself as well. It is the best for both of us because he will be able to get amazing work experience in his field and I’ll be able to finish my degree and get working again faster than I could where I am currently.
Its so good to hear you didn’t have any resentment towards him while you worked and he studied- I don’t know why but resentment really concerns me!
Derp: Yeah that is always a concern, and one that has been bouncing around my head a little. I definitely do want to get married one day – we’ve discussed timelines pretty seriously but due to our age we would both be happier getting married in maybe 2 years time when we are older (25-26yrs) and both have jobs/I’ve finished study etc.
It does seem way less stable dropping my current life for a boyfriend as opposed to a husband, and I think I’d feel more secure if we were married… but in saying that, the feeling isn’t major enough to make me feel like I need to get married in the next 4 months either… if that makes sense?
Thanks so much for all the amazing advice I have gotten. I am very reassured by how many of you have taken similar gambles with your partners and managed to negotiate it together. 🙂