(Closed) Moving 900 miles without engagement (long)

posted 7 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

What exactly is it that he needs two more years to figure out? If you’v been dating 3 years already and he isn’t exactly young, then I’m not really sure what those reasons could be? I don’t think I would have dealt well if my Fiance told me at 3 years that he just wasn’t sure yet..

Post # 4
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Maybe you should look at a short term sublet or something in the same city as him. That way you’ll be closer to him, and you can set up your business in a permanent place and save on travel expenses, while not alienating your family. It might hurt his feelings a little bit, but if you’re not comfortable living with him before you’re engaged, he should respect that.

Fiance and I are in college together, and we have different ideals about “shacking up”. I told him from early on that I wouldn’t move in with him unless we were engaged. At the end of this semester, we’ll be moving across the country for a job for him. Being engaged made me feel more comfortable with moving in with him.

Good luck with your decision, it seems like a tough one.

Post # 6
1231 posts
Bumble bee

I would flat out say to him ” I’m uprooting my whole life here to be with you, I need to know that you see us together for the long haul”. I would also get my own apartment nearby at first. That way he knows your serious about it, but he needs to prove to you how serious he is about this relationship. IMO moving in together could lead to more excuses about not getting married. I mean yes, you would be saving money, buttt it could turn into a comfortable situation where he’s got you living there, spliting the bills, why get married.

My boyfriend is all about surprises so I don’t ask him about it or else it will never happen, so he could be like that too maybe?

I def would get my own place nearby (get a roommate to split costs) and show him you want to be with him and leave the ball in his court.

Good luck with everything and I hope it turns out the way you want it too! Your def a good girlfriend for moving all that way to be with him! 🙂

Post # 7
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@LadyTegan: That would be a huge red flag to me. Honestly, IF I moved there I certainly would not move in — and this is coming from someone who lived with Fiance before we were engaged. It’s obviously not the principle of it, it’s the fact that YOU would be uprooting and he isn’t even willing to talk about engagement without excuses (because the things you said he’s said? All excuses.) I hope that this isn’t too harsh, because I am genuinely thinking about what I would say to my best friends if they were in your position. I’d say “moving that far away is serious. so is engagement.” Good luck, I know this is a tough decision, but it sounds like he’s unsure….which after 3 years isn’t a very good excuse to me. :/

Post # 8
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@LadyTegan: I moved to a new city with my Fiance when he got a promotion…and we weren’t engaged yet. I was against living together until we were, so when the move came up we went through every option. I considered staying put until we were engaged. We talked about everything and set a tentative timeline. We were engaged within 4 months of moving and moving in together.

I understand how you are torn…but I really can’t see moving (even 90 miles) for someone that can’t give you more of a commitment than 1-2 more years. If he knows you’re the one for him then the previous divorce shouldn’t be a factor. If he wants to save for the wedding you can do that by sharing expenses once you’re engaged and maybe have a longer engagement. If he needs to get to know you better after 3 years…then maybe you shouldn’t be moving. And, if he doesn’t think you can focus on your career while engaged but you can while living with him that just doensn’t make much sense to me.

 I know LDR’s suck..I’ve done it before. But I wouldn’t move, even to live in your own place if after 3 years he isn’t giving you a shorter timeline and a more solid commitment. But, ultimately it’s your relationship and you need to do what you’re comfortable with.

Post # 9
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

My husband and I met online as well, except when we started talking, we lived *6K* miles apart and on different continents!  I thought I’d not move in with a guy until I was married or at least engaged, but for us, me moving to the Netherlands (temporarily as it turned out) was the best thing for both of us.  I needed to follow my heart, and I needed to know that I could live there whether it was immediately or sometime down the road.   AND, my husband needed to know that I would literally move my life for him.  For us this worked.  He ended up proposing less then 3 months after I moved there and we were married 7 months after that.

I don’t know what’s the right move for you, but I’m proof that moving your life all around doesn’t necessarily end badly.  Also, for what it’s worth, my folks are very religious, and while they were somewhat disappointed that I moved in with my husband before marriage, they understood and supported me in my decision.  If you decide to move in with your bf, I hope your parents handle it as well as mine did!

Post # 10
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Do what feels right for you. I bought my ticket to move to Australia before I was engaged (didn’t know he was going to propose before I left) to be with “just a boyfriend”. I didn’t care, I knew we were forever whether or not we were engaged yet. Its a BIG step but, hey, oyou could be moving to a different hemisphere like me 🙂

Post # 11
204 posts
Helper bee

I feel like I could write a similar post.  I like @annabelle288:‘s compromise idea – moving there but living separately for a while, though I know that it’s not necessarily the most practical.  What stood out to me in your post was that you seem uncomfortable moving in without an engagement, and I think you should at least listen to  your gut on that.

But I also think that some of the previous posters are maybe a little hard on your guy (in the why does he need more time?! vein).  The dynamics of a relationship do change being physically together all the time vs being in a LDR, and maybe he thought weathering that together and having stable postLDR time was an important stepping stone.  It sounds like he didn’t know how you felt, so this might be something as important to him as your reservations are to you.  If you’re on the same page about where you want to be eventually (married, in this case) it might be worth being flexible with the timeline, if you can do so and still feel like you’ve been true to yourself.  

Good luck!

Post # 12
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

from the outside looking in with what you have told us it My advice would be to NOT move closer to him! Finish your schooling and start your life.

Post # 13
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I was in a similar situation. Did long distance for a few years, and we finally just needed to make a decision about being together. I was very reluctant to move without a proposal, while Fiance felt we needed to live in the same city/or together before he would be ready to make that commitment. I debated getting my own place, but for so many reasons, it didn’t make sense. I made sure we were on the same page that if things were working out, there would be a proposal, but I didn’t put a timeline on it.

It WAS difficult for me, uprooting everything and going there without a proposal. It caused conflict, and some level of “whining” on my part. But, I do think it was necessary for us that we had that living together period before the engagement. I feel like being engaged would have put an additional microscope on all the bad things. Eventually ~ 7/8 months after I moved in, we got engaged.

It sounds like you have the freedom to move right now – no job tying you down, fresh out of school and can start some place anew right now. I would say, try it. Get yoru own place if you feel more comfortable, or move in, but try to get him to put some level of timeline on it – not having a timeline at frist made me feel really uncomfortable/annoyed a lot of the time.

Hope it all works out for you! You never know if you don’t try!

Post # 14
1851 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I think that there’s a lot of compromise situations y’all could maybe discuss.

1)He proposes before y’all move in together, but you agree to have a long engagement

2)You move in with him pre-engagement but he has a 1 year timeline or else you’ll move into your own place (so not quite so severe as you do it or I’m ending it)

3)You agree to move to the same town as him, but get your own apt.

4)You move in together not knowing what will happen, and hope it just works out.(AKA not really a compromise…unless you count compromising everything you believe in a compromise)

If it were me, I think I’d go with number 2. Y’all have been together for 3 years and after living together for a year, there’s no reason for him to not be confident enough in your relationship to propose. And unless he wants your relationship to move backwards, hopefully he will do something about it. Best of luck!

Post # 15
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My situation was very similar to yours, and I decided to move in with FH despite not being engaged. I felt good about the relationship, but, as PP suggested above, I gave him a flexible timeline of about a year to propose. I did this because I felt like it would take me that long to: a) figure out if this was “it”/our relationship would work out, b) for me to decide if I like the city he lives in, and c) not get totally impatient waiting on him. He ended up asking me a bit over a year after I moved, which, as much as I was itchin’ for the engagement, ended up being good for us (we learned a LOT during that year+).

So, my advice would be that if you do move to his city, feel comfortable with your decision. Perhaps you’re not ready to move in, but can sub-let or rent for a short period of time. Then maybe take it to the next level and move in if things are going well after a while. Then perhaps he will feel “ready” for an engagement. Also, if you do move to the new city, make sure to not depend only on him for your social life – start your business, make new friends/support group that are not in his circle, etc. It gives you a network to get away, do your own thing and not feel totally dependent upon him.

Good luck with your decision!!

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