(Closed) Moving Across the Country… alone :-( (long)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1404 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@HeartsandSparkles:  I’ll start with something positive. Congratulations on landing your dream job! Not many people can make that claim so kudos to you. Ok now for the harsh reality… It sounds like everything is a mumbo-jumbo mess at the moment. Neither you nor your SO are on the same page with what you want your future to look like, so that’s where you should start. Sit him down and come to some sort of agreement on if you’ll get engaged, when that might happen, whether it’ll be before or after the move, whether you’ll let your sister’s wedding stop you from having yours around the same time, and if your relationship will be strong enough to weather all of these uncertainties. If you’re 100% positive that you want to be together no matter what happens, then the questions I’ve posed won’t make a massive difference. But it’s important to know where you’re headed and have some affirmation that your SO in headed in the same direction. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have a friend whose husband finished grad school and got a job in Montana and she still had her teaching job in Washington so they decided to elope and get married and for a year had a long distance relationship and after her teaching year was up she went to move to Montana with him and then a year later they had a reception with friends and family and she doesn’t regret it at all. Before her, I had never heard of a long distance marriage, but they work and it makes sense bc they didn’t want to grow apart and they wanted the extra committment.

Post # 6
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@HeartsandSparkles:  Congrats for getting your dream job!!  That’s super exciting.  ๐Ÿ™‚

First, I think your SO needs to propose before you book a venue.  Lots of popular venues do book over a year in advance.  So that just means you need to be a little more creative when you pick a venue.

Once you are engaged and you start looking at venues, then you should talk to your sister about her date.  Tell her, “We want to get married in 2014.  Are you planning on June 2014?”  She’s your sister, and hopefully she will understanding about the situation.  ๐Ÿ™‚

Honestly, the 25th of May, 2014 is Memorial Day weekend.  Prices for hotels are going to be inflated.  I’ve always heard it’s not the greatest idea to have a wedding on a holiday weekend, because people may want to travel other places.  I myself got married a week before Christmas, and lots of people didn’t come – even though I sent STD’s – because they had holiday plans.  So that is a consideration. 

September in CA is a lovely time to get married, but I know here in Southern California, it can be extremely hot.  IDK why your SO said it might rain.  We got our first rain just this last week. 

Hope it works out!  Have fun back East!

Post # 7
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Congrats on the job! To me it sounds like both of you have gotten ahead of yourselves. The real issue here is the LDR for 1 year. Try to keep that separate from your talk about a proposal and wedding. LDRs are tough, but doable and your case it will be easier because you have a finite end date. Try to help your SO understand that LDRs can work and if you guys get through it, it can make your relationship even stronger.

Post # 8
Member
3421 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

CONGRATS!!! WOO HOO! We can party and get our nails done together in NYC if you are in town.

in a perfect world this would happen:

SO pops the questiob before your move.

SUCKY PART: LDR while you are enageged and you have to wait until 2015 to get married to make way for your sis who was enageged before you so therefore gets the better date. It sucks but it is reality.

2014 you come back and do some AWESOME AWESOME wedding planning with your SO involved  and have a year to throw and awesome party.

Anytime after you come back from the east coast you can elope so that you are MARRIED and not need to worry about that and you can still have a wedding later, maybe as a one year renewal ceremony

Post # 12
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I was in a similar situation very close to this last year.

SO encouraged me to find a different job, and when I was offered a different job halfway across the country, he encouraged me to take it.  At the time we were discussing getting engaged, etc.  He even told me he had thought about us getting engaged before I moved.

That never happened.  After I moved, he became more and more reluctant to talk about getting married, and became more reluctant about visiting me (twice his ‘visits’ to me were really visits to his friends three hours away, and me tagging along for the ride).  He insisted that I had to move back before we could get engaged (I wasn’t willing to move anywhere for him unless we were already engaged)

We ended up breaking up.  I don’t think I would have done things differently; if anything I should have broken up with him sooner as he proved to be unreliable/undependable from way, way back when we started dating.

Long distance relationships magnify any problems you are having.  And both parties need to be 100% committed to make it work.

It does help to have a deadline for the LDR; a “light at the end of the tunnel” of sorts.

A Memorial Weekend Wedding is one of those you’ll need save-the-dates for.  Other than that I don’t think it’s a bad weekend to get married and wouldn’t consider it a holiday weekend like Christmas, Thanksgiving or Easter.

I would take the job, and not look back.  The logistics of making it happen (or not) will soon show themselves.  Life has a way of doing that.

Post # 14
Member
3421 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

@HeartsandSparkles:  Yeah, I know it isn’t the dream for some people, but you can still have the big wedding you want…it is just that because of reality you may have to do something else (not settling…adapting). It really all matters how you feel about living together before marraige. If you are already living together at the time that you get back to CA then you (IMHO) should elope so that you both feel secure in your relationship. It could be also be a sexy, couple-secret that you and your SO share…then you can have the big party with all your friends and family that you want.

In the end all that matters is that you get married to your best friend.

In regards to your sister, just be honest with her about your AMAZING opertunity and what that does to you and your SO’s time line and you wanted to speak to her about a civilized way to have the both of you happy with your wedding dates. No matter what happens, at least you went to speak to your sister face-to-face like a grown ass woman.

You really just have to have an honest (super-honest) convo with both your SO and your Sis about what YOUR wants and needs are.

Best of luck and CONGRATULATIONS on your dream job. Remember, it is your DREAM job! It is a good, good, great thing. I hope you are going out to have celebratory drinks soon.

Post # 16
Member
3421 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

@HeartsandSparkles:  You should totally buy youself some new work clothes! Nothing is better then Retail Therapy

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