Post # 1
My new husband is a professor, and while we were still engaged, he found out he would be losing his job after the current contract due to funding. That was set to run out this month. Because another faculty member decided to retire, he was offered a one-year contract for this school year.
In the meantime, he had been applying for other university jobs all over. After only getting two interviews out of dozens of applications, he was offered a job in at a school in eastern Tennessee. He accepted the job, which means we have to move next month.
It is a great opportunity, really his dream job, but I don’t want to go! I work as a translator and private language instructor, and it is very hard to find a good full-time in-office position in the field. Not so hard in a major city, but we would be making what could be a permanent move to rural Tennessee, where there are almost no jobs in my field. I’ve sent out two dozen applications to schools and other organizations, and haven’t heard a work back from any of them. I’m the Director of the school where I work. This is a great job and I have built my career around this. I love what I do.
We cannot afford for him to be out of work (which he would be after this academic year), but we also can’t afford for me to be out of work (which I would be for who knows how long). I don’t want him to give up on his dreams, but it makes me sick to think that I have to throw away my career and everything I’ve worked for the last ten years to build to help him further his. Honestly, if the move meant I could stay home with kids (we’re also TTC) it would be fine, but we can’t afford that.
I don’t know what to do. I hate this feeling. I mostly just needed to vent, but if anyone has any thoughts, please share. He said if it would make me miserable, we could cancel the move, but I’m not sure if that would be worse, since then he might blame me for missing out on the opportunity.
Post # 3
Are they any jobs that are in his field, but maybe not at a university, in your area? It seems maybe your job is more specific than his and he has a better chance getting work without detriment to his career than you do.
Ultimately, you’re going to have to decide what is best for your family in the long run if that is the road you are going down.
Post # 4
Thanks for the reply. Unfortunately, no, there are no jobs in his field in our city. He’s a profession of media arts, with a lot of non-university experience in television production, but there just haven’t been any jobs here in Indy for him during the search.
I was initially supportive of the job search and I knew it would mean moving away. I just hoped it would mean moving to an area where I could also expand my career.
Post # 5
I think you guys need to have a serious discussion about all this. Its a really tough position.
What helped my SIL was that they agreed that he was going to be the “bread winner” per se. So, everything the did as a couple was to further his career. She obviously still worked, but her career didn’t take off like his did.
I think if you think long term, the move is probably a good thing. It sounds like this could be a good long term job for him. Yes, you’ll still have to work right now, but maybe over time you can be a Stay-At-Home Mom.
Post # 6
I would also keep in mind the cost of living difference – by moving to a small town, you could very easily be a Stay-At-Home Mom with only his wages. Also, look in nearby cities – even an hour away. If you can work from home for them, and maybe only go into the office once a week, it might be worth it.
Post # 7
Thanks for the thoughts. I looked into the cost of living differences but unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) Indy is a pretty cheap city, so there really is no difference. His wages aren’t enough simply because of school loans and credit card debt that we are paying off. We are in a horrible financial situation as it is, and this job actuallys pays $3000 a year less than the one he has now.
Post # 8
What about just making cut backs? Getting a smaller place when you move? Maybe even filing bankruptcy?
Post # 9
Yikes! A serious talk is a must. Will he be making more money that you make currently? As in is he the primary money maker? If not I don’t see the rational to move, even if its his dream job if you can’t live off of it then its not a good choice. Also from what you said it doesn’t seem like there is opportunity for you if you move but if you stay there is potential that something else could open up for him. I would have a serious serious discussion on this.
Post # 10
I’m a little confused, because it sounds like neither of your current options are tenable. You both have to work to be financially OK, but you are going to move with him to TN?
At one point, my parents lived in different cities for a bit when their situation was somewhat similar. No, it wasn’t the greatest thing ever but it paid the bills until one found a job in the city where the other one lived. I think it took a little over a year for this to happen, so it may be an option if you can stomach it.
Post # 11
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Is there anyway for you two to live between his new job and a fairly good size city? Maybe split the commute?
EDIT: Also, I know this is difficult but would it be possible to do a long distance marriage until you can find a job down there?
Post # 12
We’ve found a house that rents for $575 a month, and have been told we can rent our current house for $800 a month. We pay about $1000 a month for the mortgage and an additional loan that he took out to install a geothermal HVAC system. There’s no way we can sell the house quickly enough in this market, and he apparently owes more than we would probably get for it. So we’ll be paying about the same in living expenses.
He does make more than I do, by about $10K. We don’t have cable, we don’t eat out much… I’m really not sure what else we can cut back.
I REALLY don’t want to go the bankruptcy option. That’s just not how I was raised. But if I’m out of work, we won’t have any other option after a few months.
He’s convinced I’ll be able to find work in the area, or that I should just do freelance translation. Unfortunately, that’s very unstable, as there is no way to know how much work I could get, if I could even get any. The schools in the area have actually just dismantled their Spanish programs, and the schools farther out with positions that I have applied to aren’t responding.
We’ve discussed this to death. He wants to go and I am terrified and sick about it. But if we don’t go now, we’ll end up in the same place (one of us unemployed and/or having to move) next July anyway.
Post # 13
@rplatzer: That’s what I was thinking as well.
Depending on what language you specialize in, I would consider being apart for a short period of time so you have time to really figure out what your options are. Private instruction and translation are not the kind of activities that require an office, afterall. Could you see yourself doing freelance work? Working as an adjunct? Has your Fiance spoken to the new university about helping you transition?
Post # 14
How about finding a job at hospitals or nursing homes?
Post # 15
I am sorry you are going through this. Having a career you love in a community is really important for your morale and independence. It sounds like you really need to take the time to “soul search,” maybe make a list of pros and cons, and have a heart to heart with Darling Husband. I have a feeling that things are going to work out, and you just need some support right now. Maybe those schools will get back to you? At any rate, you need to realistically decide together what is the best option for both of you. Perhaps Darling Husband should apply closer to where you all ready live? Is there nothing available for him? Even if you have children, would you be HAPPY staying at home in rural TN? Even if you could afford to? Or would you need a social outlet to utilize the skills you have gained?
Post # 16
Another thought, you said that if you don’t decide to move to TN you will be in the same place next year- deciding what to do- maybe Darling Husband should continue to look for work in a place that offers something for BOTH of you.