Moving cross country for a job— will it affect my marriage?

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
363 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think the move is worth it. If it’s a lateral position and the pay is the same, plus you said your husband would basically be starting from scratch, which would probably decrease your income. I’m not sure what your current income is like, but now is probably not the best time for less money with a baby on the way. Just my thoughts!

Post # 17
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

“He told me he would support any decision I make for my career, but I’m scared this could cause stress that would damage our marriage.”

I don’t see how this decision really has to do with your career, though. It seems like it more has to do with you wanting to be in that area more (close to friends and family). From what you have described, you aren’t getting anything extra career wise out of it.

So, I think you need to assess this move based on other factors than your career. What are your childcare plans if you move or don’t move? Will your family in the area be able to watch your baby? That would be a big factor, I think. Will your kid grow up in an environment with a more tight knit family/ community? Once again, important factor.

Post # 18
1585 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

steckarrr :  Yeah, I wouldn’t move clear across country for a lateral move, especially if the area you are in has a better job markert. Sure, working from home can be a perk, but what if you end up not liking it? I’ve worked from home for a year and most days I wish I could go back to the office permanently. Also, as another bee said about working from home with a baby… yeah, if your job is as demanding as mine (and mine isn’t THAT demanding), you’ll end up needing to have a nanny or put your child in daycare. It’s actually in my telecommuting agreement that I must have childcare once Darling Husband and I start a family, if I’m still telecommuting at that point. 

Also – moving is expensive, even if your employer is paying for the moving expenses. Darling Husband and I got transfered last year and his company paid for all moving costs… but there were so many unexpected costs that we ate up a majority of his bonus just to get us to where we were in our old town.

Post # 19
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

QueenieB :  I don’t see how this decision really has to do with your career, though. It seems like it more has to do with you wanting to be in that area more (close to friends and family). From what you have described, you aren’t getting anything extra career wise out of it.”

Ah very good point. This seems super selfish overall, bee.



Post # 20
2925 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

My answer may not be popular but I think once you get married you and your spouse have to decide whose career is going to be more important.  I’m not talking about reverting back to a 1950’s mentality where the husband brought home the bacon and the little lady cooked it, but I think it’s really hard for both people of the couple to prioritize their careers.

In my case, my husband and I talked a lot about this before getting married.  He has the higher paying career (and the student loans) so it makes more sense to prioritize his career.  And in such, is a “once in a lifetime” opportunity comes up, we’ll both give it consideration; it doesn’t mean he gets to call the shots though.

In your case, I would not make a cross country lateral move, regardless of taking your family into consideration.  But I also think it’s really hard being away from your family.  My husband’s entire family lives out of state and we’ve had these conversations about where we want to set roots, and for now, we’re going to stay here (where my family is local) but we talk about eventually moving back to his home state as it’s more friendly for older/retired folks.  I understand you wanting to be closer to your family and he his.

Is there a way you can compromise and look for a job between the two places?

Post # 21
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

I agree with PP that it doesn’t sound like this is a dream career opportunity unless we missed something? 

I understand that moving closer to family is awesome, but to be honest, this move would be amazing for you and take away almost everything from your husband. Now, he might hate his job and want to relocate, but I don’t think it’s fair to assume that. 

I left my family and job in the midwest to move to California with my (then FI) now Darling Husband. We only decided to do that because he almost tripled his paychecks where we were living and he got to move back home and close to family. He told me that although I was leaving my family behind, we would have the money that I could fly home whenever I wanted. I didn’t want to leave my family, but I was thinking about what would be best for our future children and careers. I think if you sit down with your husband and weigh the pros and cons, the best choice will reveal itself. Good luck!

Post # 22
1639 posts
Bumble bee

Framing this as moving across country for a job isn’t accurate and will breed resentment. It’s not for the job — it’s because you prefer that location for personal reasons. The decision of whose family to live near can be rough. I’ve seen relationships end because a decision couldn’t be reached (it is fairly binary). Your husband might be willing to make that sacrifice for you, but he won’t if you’re framing it as for the job when it’s a lateral move.

Post # 23
10568 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

steckarrr :  

This sounds like a truly awful idea.  Don’t put your husband through it for a lateral move.  He sounds very supportive of you.

And anyone who has ever moved across country can tell you, $5000 is no princely sum.  You’d need every penny of it and then some. 

Post # 24
4877 posts
Honey bee

No raise? That would be a no from me. But close to family? Might be worth it. Sorry if you wrote this but where does your husband’s family live? 

What coast to what coast are you moving? Csn you afford to pay the difference in what it costs to move vs. The $5k? Five grand is NOT enough. It’s close to a thousand to just have a car moved. How much will your husband lose in earnings  Can you afford that?

And lastly working from home isnt always guaranteed. Many jobs are moving away from that. In fact there was just a post about that here. How will you feel if you moved cross country then a year later they have office space and make you come in? 

Post # 25
2017 posts
Buzzing bee

What is making you think it’s a dream job? 

Personally, when people say dream job, I think of a big break, big promotion, drastic change…something more than a home office, to be honest. I think it’s shitty you guys would ditch his elderly mom for a cross country move. I also think it’s shitty to ask your husband to set his career back for basically no reason…other than the home office. 

I do understand wanting to be close to family. If that is a priority or goal for you, I think you and your husband can jointly figure out a way to make that happen in a way that works for both of you.  I also don’t think $5k is remotely enough to cover a true cross country move. You’re at a net loss on this, as far as I can see. 

Gains: home office, your family

Loss: husbands salary, move costs, moving away from his friends and family

Post # 26
3600 posts
Sugar bee

Yeah, no. There are not enough perks in the change to justify screwing up your husband’s career. I work from home, and let me tell you, it’s not the dream it sounds like. Sure you get to wear yoga pants, and throw laundry in at random times of the day, but don’t think you’ll be able to hang with your baby while you’re working or anything else. It’s also really hard to stay active when you’re constantly at home and not bustling around the office. It’s also hard with my husband as he does see things like “Well she’s home, so she can deal with xyz”. Having your family respect your work time can be a battle. It’s just not all comfy sweats and freedom like it may sound, so wanted to give you some perspective. I just think with your husband’s mom’s health and his career, and no upward movement on your end, it will lead to animosity in your marriage. Are yoga pants worth that?

Post # 28
7910 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

There will be other job offers. I agree wtih PP that $5k is not a lot of money for relocation. It cost almost $10k to move Darling Husband and me just from the Midwest to the Pacific NW. I would also be hesitant to make a non-urgent move during the newborn infant time. 

Lastly, I would not count on any employment as a sure thing for the rest of your career. Darling Husband was happily telecommuting till one day his company ended telecommuting for all its employees. Never say never. 

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