(Closed) moving for boyfriend?

posted 6 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I wouldn’t feel comfortable trying to pursue a career in marine biology in Nevada, especially since you’ve clearly invested a lot in your education. If you’re worried about breaking up because you don’t think you’ll find another boyfriend…. well unfortunately that’s a sign that you probably should break up.

Post # 4
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m a strong believer that if it is meant to be everything will work out.  It sounds like you really love, so I say move and give your relationship a fighting chance, if it doesn’t work out it wasn’t meant to be.

Post # 5
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

You’ve been dating for three years and he says he’ll break up if you don’t live nearby? Even if it’s said nicely, this sentiment does not say “the one” to me. 

Post # 6
Member
7 posts
Newbee

@AlwaysSunny:  what about women who say they’ll break up if the guy doesn’t propose within a certain timeline? In my opinion that’s even worse.

Post # 7
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I advise against making a career sacrifice for someone you are not married, or at least engaged, to.

Post # 8
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with your BF- either move or the relationship should end. If you think he may be the one you want to marry, then I’d say move out there and give it a chance. As much as I get that you are concerned about finding a job, living in Nevada is not permanent. You’d have to move knowing that you may not find your dream job there, but you’ll be with the man you love. You can always move again for work, but you can’t always find someone you want to spend your life with.

Post # 9
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

As a fellow marine biologist I feel your limiting yourself….  You’re claiming you’re going to be stuck at Walmart if you move to Nevada? Quiet honestly that could happen even if you’re living on the coast.  Which I’m sure you know. I just feel like marine bio wise you’re not thinking outside the box when it comes to work you’re just thinking “oh it’s land locked no jobs for me!” you can go into teaching, there’s fish farms, labs looking for people who can be techs, theres lakes, etc. more than likely not what you were hoping to do but it is an option.

 

I don’t feel like this ultimatum of his is to be mean.  I just feel like he’s done this for three years and wants to take the relationship to the next step.  Ultimately you have to decide what you are comfortable with living with.  Are you okay with taking the career and maybe lossing him? Or are you okay with trying for him and sacrificing some career?

Post # 10
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

I think you should pursue your career in coastal areas, perhaps in California? Maybe being within driving distance is the compromise. Like another poster said, I’d caution against stalling your career for a man who has yet to make a commitment to you.

He’s asking you to make the big sacrifice and why? Is there a reason why he can’t transfer to a school in an area where you find a job? Men do this all the time. Suggest it and see what he says. Seems to me that’s a smaller sacrifice than stalling your career just to see if it works out!

Post # 11
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like you’ve invested a great deal of time and energy in your education.  I think you’d be selling yourself short to not pursue a job in your field. Chances are, your post-education job search will be country wide, if not even international.  Does he even know if he’ll be able to get a job there when he’s finished? In this economy, and in specialized fields, you really have to take what you can get.

Making sarifices because you fear you will have a hard time finding a new partner is a mistake, and selling yourself short.

I was in a LDR for over a year with a man in the military.  When he got posted half-way across the country, i transferred to move in with him. My work situation was terrible, and his job was extremely stressful.  Within 4 months, we were done.  Living together day in and day out is FAR different than the time you spend together in LDRs, even when you spend extended time together.  Like your bf, I would never agree to marry someone until I had lived close to them for a period of time to assess how day to day life would be, so I don’t think he’s being unreasonable about that.

Unless he’s in a position to financially support you while you’re there (which it doesn’t sound like, given he’s a student) I would be very hesitant to move to where he is and put my own career ambitions on the backburner after all that work to get a MSc.  But I am a career oriented person, and being self-supporting has always been extremely important to me.  You should look in your heart and answer for yourself if you will be filled with resentment should you find yourself scanning merchandise at Wal-Mart or making lattes at Starbucks if that’s the only work you can find where he is.  I’d also consider what kind of financial pressures you might be under in that situation–if you’ve got loans, rent, car, food etc to pay but can only find a low wage job.

 

Post # 13
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

Does his gentle ultimatum include engagement and a ring? Personally, if my SO asked me to move or he would breakup with me and there was no engagemnt/ring involved, I would be hesitant to do so.  

I would need a bigger commitment from him before moving.

 

Post # 14
Member
2447 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I moved across the country for my then Boyfriend or Best Friend (now FI). I did it twice. However, there were several differences – I did not do it under the threat of an ultimatum, I had transferrable job skills and contacts in each city, we had an engagement timeline we both agreed with, and we had an agreement that if I could not find a job he would support me. That’s key- you need to sit down with your boyfriend and say, honey, i would love to move with you but if i cannot find a job in my field, it is your responsibility to take care of me while i keep looking or continue to add skills to my degree. I would also speak with him about a strict timeline for an engagement. 

Post # 15
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

First a relationship is about give and take.  But from both sides.  He can’t expect you to just drop everything and go there if he would not be willing to do the same thing.  It would be one thing if he had a career there that didn’t allow him to move (ie. military and not getting posted for a while) but that is not the case.  It would be a little bit more understanding if he even already had a job in his field.

Also, I wouldn’t be too doubtful about not being able to find someone out there who love you unconditionally no matter what.  The right guy that you are meant to be with is out there and you will find him.

The question you need to ask yourself.  Would you really be willing to give up your career to be with this guy?  If you do move to be with him would you be willing to chose a new career? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life together? 

If you are saying that you have to stay with him because I am not going to be able to find anyone else then it is like you saying “I don’t want to be here, but I also don’t want to be alone.” And that is not a good reason to stay into a relationship.

Post # 16
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

To those who say they need stronger commitment  before sacrificing:: I moved in with my then Boyfriend or Best Friend and his parents right after college (May 2011). I didn’t need a ring to validate my move – he is all I needed. I got a job offer before I moved because I had been applying there and where I lived to keep my options open. We have been engaged for 4 months now and living together for over a tear.

@redblueskies:  Whenever career comes into question, it becomes tougher to form clear reasoning behind your decision. You don’t want to commit career suicide but you also don’t want to lose this man. I would advise you to think hard about your priorities. Everyone’s are different. Apply to a bunch of places there and where you are and wait. Time sometimes makes everything work for the best! 🙂 

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