(Closed) Moving in before getting engaged…. is that all right?

posted 12 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Ceremony - First United Methodist Church; Reception - My parents' house!

I’ve lived with guys before my fiance, and they got into that comfort zone. That “ugh, this is a pain, but I’m too lazy to do anything about it” sort of relationship at the end. (For me at least). Those would end in a proposal, and me saying no.

My fiance and I moved in together within a week of meeting/starting dating. We started talking marriage a month later, and we were engaged in under a year. Dunno if that helps any.

Post # 5
6980 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Well if you read through a lot of other bees’ stories it seems like a lot of them moved in together before they got engaged and it didn’t stop their guys from proposing. Although I will say this… just off the top of my head it usually seems like all the stories I’ve read include the guy proposing like 1 year + later…. not so close to the time of move-in. But that could just be a fluke. 

I had the same concern you had and I always told my Fiance that I wouldn’t live with him before we were engaged. Of course if you’re spending every night with him anyways, maybe it wouldn’t be any different? 

The gist is…. I have no idea. ๐Ÿ™‚ Go with your instincts. 

Post # 6
1456 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

*shrugs* I don’t see how living full time at your BF’s while still keeping your own place is fulfilling that vow to your grandmother. You might as well make it official. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 7
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

We don’t technically live together although he stays at my house often.  It’s a cultural thing that prevents him from being able to leave his parent’s house before marriage.  If you have a cultural, moral, or ethical qualm about living together before marriage/engagment, then you shouldn’t do it.  But in your case…if you are living at his place all the time, I don’t think it’s different from officially living together (it’s just costing you more). 

Post # 8
345 posts
Helper bee

We live together and are not engaged. I wanted to wait until we got engaged first but it was his idea to see how everything worked out.

Post # 10
8375 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

The question is, “is it right for you?”

I’d do it, but I’d be all about making it official, too. I’d hate to waste money, also. You’re pretty much already living with him–how is it any different? It’s not =]

I think the only way you moving in together would halt or hold off an engagement would be if you struggle to live together–ie there are so many big differences that one of you starts wondering if you’re in the right relationship. But since you already do that, you know you’re fine!

Post # 12
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think it depends on you; & your relationship. For him; He didn’t want to rent because he thought it was a waste of money. For Me; I didn’t want to buy a home until we were engaged. We were both anxious to buy and live on our own so after some time of saving money he proposed this last August and we just closed on our home! I just knew that I didn’t want to risk buying a house with someone without that commitment. (Not that a ring always makes things work either… !?) But it makes me feel a little more confident that we have taken that “step” in commitment before our big Move!

Post # 13
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Ceremony - First United Methodist Church; Reception - My parents' house!

There are all of these “rules,” but you know, they don’t really apply to everyone. As hand-holding-Sunday-school as this sounds, I think that only you know what’s best/applicable for your relationship.

Ugh, I sound like an after-school special. :p

Post # 14
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

i too think it’s a personal decision. it you feel like you can take him at his word, then go for it! no sense in wasting money on a place you never see! i’ve lived w/my BF just over two out of the four years we’ve been dating, although personally i wish i had waited another 6 mos – a year to do it. that said, for me it was important to live together before getting engaged because i think it’s important to really get to know someone before taking that step.

Post # 15
26 posts
  • Wedding: March 2010

I have to agree w/ Jaxx317 and everyone else. It’s a question that can only be answered by the two of you. I know that living w/ my BF (and moving to a totally new city a time zone away from our families) was great for us because it helped us negotiate all of the “Who does what chores? Who pays for what? How can we keep things fresh when I see you all the time? etc” kinds of questions that can sometimes be the hardest to work out right after marriage.

Post # 16
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I moved in before we got engaged. Heck, we even bought our house together before we were engaged (we joked that a joint mortgage was more of a commitment than marriage at the time!). It never stopped him from asking and it certainly didn’t make him lazy (complacent about certain things, yes, but lazy, no).

On the other hand, your main justification for moving in with him is a financial one, not because it feels its “right”. On the other hand you almost live together as it is.

I think you need to tell him why you are hesitant about it. Just a blunt “I’ve lived with guys before, it didn’t work out, and I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again without a real sign of commitment, such as engagement.”


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