(Closed) Moving in before getting engaged…. is that all right?

posted 12 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I moved in with my Fiance while we were both in college and neither of us were thinking about getting married. Fast forward 2 years…I’m ready to be engaged, and he is feeling fairly comfortable. At that point I was wishing we hadn’t lived together before we got engaged. We can probably count on one hand the number of nights we have spend apart since we began dating. We hate being apart. But, I think that the proposal would have come faster if we had not been living together. It really is a personal decision. It really depends on the couple. Maybe you could just tell him how conflicted you are. That you really want to just live with him (since you pretty much are anyways) but that you also want the commitment of being engaged before you give up your own space. Tell him how that space is your safety net right now, and how you are hesitant to give it up. Maybe the lightbulb will go off.

Post # 48
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

my SO and i moved in together several months ago and we weren’t engaged!Still aren’t– but i’m sure we will be by the years end!

Post # 49
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2008

Aren’t you already living together, if you’ve never actually spent the night in your apartment?  How often do you go back to “your” place right now?  I don’t know if that’s what your grandma had in mind!  🙂  haha just teasing!

My husband moved into my place right away– we both just knew that “this is it” and we didn’t see the point in wasting any time.  I think part of our quickness came from the fact that we were older– 30 and 38– and pretty settled, so we didn’t have a lot of doubt and indecision that we maybe would’ve had in our younger days.  We never had a conversation about marriage, but he proposed within nine months of our meeting.

I say trust your instincts and your gut feelings– are you ready to make it official??

Post # 50
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Trust your gut!

I needed an extra commitment before I would move in with my boyfriend, now fiance.  I told him that living together with someone is hard and it would be so easy just to walk out.  I wanted to be assured that I would not be heartbroken and homeless.  He proposed and we moved in together 2 months later and things are amazing right now.  I do not regret that decision. 

 

Post # 51
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

My bit is that if you live together, you have to have some kind of understanding that this isn’t a “get the milk for free” thing forever. If you are already talking about marriage, I’d share your fears with your BF and then set some kind of time line to discuss marriage/co-habitation again if nothing changes by that time.

Otherwise, you have to treat co-habitation like it were marriage. You have to compromise and treat each other more than just roommates. If you treat the living arrangement as roommates, then that’s what it is.

You’ve got a lot of good information here, I trust you’ll make the right decision. You’ve already had the bad experiences, just share your fears with your BF. If you are right for each other, you’ll be able to talk about it openly.

Post # 52
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I moved in with my BF this summer after spending a year at his house all the time, going home only to grab a change of clothes.  Living with him is great in terms of time with him and finances, but at the same time it’s made me increasingly bitter about not being engaged yet.  We talk about getting married and having kids all the time, so I wasn’t really worried about it when I moved in, but it’s become a bigger deal to me than I ever thought it would be.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t move in.  I really do enjoy living with the BF.  But a timeline discussion before you make your decision might be helpful.

Post # 53
Member
2304 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

i have lived with BFs before my Fiance, and when it wasn’t working anymore, we both knew, and i left. the comfort thing was hard, but you know when its not working and then its just not worth it! My Fiance and i moved in together after like a month of dating, and we are planning our wedding now, and have only been toghether for 5 months!

Post # 54
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I did not move in with my husband until after we got married, and I am very glad we waited.  I am not particularly religious (and my parents are uber-liberal and woul not have cared), and it wasn’t about trying to avoid the free-cow situation, but just something I’ve always wanted to wait to share with only my husband.  We did spend plenty of nights at eachothers’ apartments (trading off–neither apartment was exclusively “storage”) and there were absolutely no surprises after the wedding–and I wasn’t expecting any.  I think it is definitely possible to determine household compatibility without moving in together. However, I don’t care if other people DO live together first, it just wasn’t for me.  But it is a decision you have to make for yourself only, not your grandmother and not your boyfriend.

On a related note, did anyone else think that when he said “why don’t you just move in and we’ll make it official,” that he WAS referring to marriage, or at least an engagement, rather than just housing?  Considering he’s been talking about marriage already, that was the first thing *I* thought of.

Post # 55
Member
2631 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I lived with Fiance before we got engaged. I also knew it was coming and had never lived with a guy alone before. IF you’re up for it, and want to, go ahead!

Post # 57
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

BF and I made the decision to move in together approximately 2 weeks after we started dating… We had known each other for about a month and a half at the point.. His father was asking him to leave the house and I share an apartment with a friend who basically never stays here bc he’s practically living with his girlfriend… The first few weeks were hard but ultimately I believe living together so soon is what has forced us to build our relationship so quick and so strong. Ultimately you have to do whats best for you but as for me I wouldn’t have done it any way.

Post # 58
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

It’s hard to give advice on this topic due to the wade gamit of opinions and situations on living together.

I wouldn’t do it, but I wouldn’t have moved in until after the wedding.  I just think it’s best to wait until all is said and done for practical and moral reasons.

It’s always better in the long run to err on the side of caution.  If you’re concerned about it, i would say just wait!  If he can’t wait, that would signal a red flag to me, and if he will wait, than why not do so until it’s official or you’re sure it’s the right thing to do?

Post # 59
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I fully support moving in with significant others. However, just make damn sure you’re on the same page (whether that page is eventual marriage, or never marriage, or members of the same cult, etc.) before making that commitment. 

I agreed to move in with my bf (now fiance) because we both knew we wanted to end up married to each other within X time period. I wouldn’t have agreed if he would not have been willing to nail down what I wanted.

Post # 60
Member
1300 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

We dated for almost exactly a year before we moved in together. basically we were paying two rents and spent the majority of our time with each other so when the lease was up, he moved in with me since i had the better apt of the two. about a year and a half after that, he proposed.

mind you i didnt tell my parents we had moved in together until…. well about a month before he proposed – my father is a baptist minister and police officer and i didnt want my dad to shoot him! lol

but each to their own. for me we moved in together because it felt right, we saved money, and i really wasnt in a mindset that i HAD to get married (up until he proposed i had given up on marriage completely which leads some of my family to think its WHY he proposed – since i was so non-chalant about it).

be honest with yourself on the reasons why  or why not and do what is best for you.

Post # 61
Member
958 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

To be frank, I wouldn’t want to move in together just for financial reasons OR get engaged just to move in together. 

You made a promise to yourself and your fam that obviously matters very deeply to you.  If you’re serious enough to want to marry this man, you should be able to tell him about it and your feelings surrounding it.  You have reasons to be hesitant of living together if youve done it before and it’s ended badly.  I don’t think that sort of thing should be a secret in a grown-up, marriage-bound relationship.  Communication is key.

It was important to me to be engaged first.  I wanted the two to be seperate – he wanted to propose bc he wanted to marry me, not bc he wanted a roommate.  We ended up buying a house not long after, and it’s been the best thing, but I am so glad I stuck to that timeline.

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