(Closed) Moving in before getting engaged…. is that all right?

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 62
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

You should really talk with him about what his expectations are for your relationship. My guess is he knows you are itching for an engagement. It sort of bothers me that you aren’t sure if he’s ready or not. If he is telling you 1-2 years before he wants to marry you, does that mean he’s thinking it may be another year before he proposes?

Post # 63
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m contemplating this one as well, so I’m glad there’s a post up about it! 

At first, I wanted to be engaged before I moved in with a man.  I’m religious but very liberal (which is a great combination!), and I wasn’t opposed to living together before marriage on that score.  Just all my friends got engaged before they moved in with their fiances, and I was worried that if I moved in with a man before the engagement, I’d be that one couple who’s been together for seven years and not getting married (I have that couple among my friends!).  And I want to get married someday.  Not tomorrow, not next year, but sooner rather than later, you know?

(Of course you do, you’re waiting bees too!)

I’ve been dating mnbf for a year and a half, and we’ve been talking about moving in together.  I know he’s the man I want to be with for the rest of my life.  And I know I’m the woman he wants to be with for the rest of his.  And I know that he’s the slowest damn mover on the face of this earth and that moving in together or not will not make one bit of friggin’ difference as to the speed of the man’s proposal.  (…but I love him!)

So then I thought about moving in together just to “test-drive”.  Because the first six months of living together are gonna be a zoo, married/engaged or not.  Stuff will crop up that I can’t even imagine right now.  And wouldn’t it be nice to deal with that stuff, know that we CAN deal with that stuff, before we build a marriage together?

And then I even stopped thinking about that, and realized I just want to be with him.  I want that companionship.  I want to wake up with him every morning and come home every day and see him there.  I want to share all the ordinary moments of life with him. 

That’s when I knew I was really ready.

Now I’m just waiting for my lease to end. 

P.S.  Moving in for financial reasons seems too risky to me.  I mean, yeah, you save a couple hundred bucks a month, but if things go south, you’re stuck sharing a bed and the bills with someone might not be ready to be with all the time.

P.P.S.  Talk to grandma.  Tell her what you really feel and where you’re really at.  My grandmas are really mean and unreasonable, but I bet yours isn’t.   

Post # 64
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Fiance and I dated for 4 years, moved in together, and got engaged 4 years later. That was the right decision for us. I think it bothered my mother, but oh well. I think the other bees have given GREAT advice in a situation where it’s difficult to advise you on what to do.

Post # 65
Member
26 posts
Newbee

we moved in together when we began looking at rings, but then the economy, and deciding to go to grad school, left us unmarried for the forseeable future, and still living together. I love living with him, but I get very frustrated that we’re living together for so long without being married. He is very practical, but we were both raised fairly traditionally/conservatively and it makes our families uncomfortable, and to a lesser degree, makes me uncomfortable. As I said, I love our living situation, and don’t have the finances to move out until we are engaged/married, but it still bothers me considerably. 

Post # 66
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

We moved in together after 6 months – it just felt right to us. We knew we were going to get married one day, and he was still living at home but staying at my house all the time, so it just kind of made sense. We just bought our first home, and have a “game” plan in place for the future… it goes – live together, buy house together, when financially settled into the mortgage repayments and life, get engaged and then married!

Just have to do what feels right, if there is even a hint of doubt, dont do it!

Post # 67
Member
35 posts
Newbee

Honestly speaking, I think it is wiser to hold off on the living together thing. I say this because I have seen people around me that have been engaged for 3+ years and they have not yet moved onto the Marriage stage. Although the girl has the ring on her finger, I’ve seen many guys reluctant to actually take the next step into a full-on commitment and get married. 

I have a friend who has been dating a guy for about 7+ years and they have been engaged for 4 years or so. They have been living together for about 4-5 years and they still have not been married! Also, I have another friend who lived with her boyfriend for a long time and they got married after like 5-6 years of dating. However, after 6 months they got divorced. 

I’m sure there are couples that lived together and had successful marriages. I certainly don’t want to say that living with the significant other is the only reason to stagnant couples or divorce…however, even statistics show that co-habitation is not ideal for a successful marriage. 

I’m not trying to scare you or anything but…when you hold off on special things such as living together and etc…later on it pays off. My fiance and I have been dating for the last 3 years and yes, I wish we can live together but I am glad that I can hold on to that excitement til we get married. Among many other things, that is one thing that I look forward to!

 

So yeah, I am not sure if this has helped but I hope you make the right decision! 🙂 

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