Post # 1
I’m new here, 34 never married, mom to 1 and he is 39 never married, with 2 children. We both grew up with both parents married so no past issues with divorce. He is a spur-of-the-moment kind of guy, i like to plan in advance.
We have been very casually dating for over one decade actually closer to two but had other relationships during this time as well.
Now, finally after realizing we were both single, ready and wanting a long term serious relationship; He asked me to move in with him, and without hesitation i agreed. Now the problem is that he lives at least 3 hours drive away and we don’t spend alot of time together due to his work schedule. No option for him to move back closer to me because he left our city years ago for a better job and he has it now. I’m willing to scarifice to be with him, i would feel more relaxed knowing our marriage is near.
I’m scared that once i move in he won’t want to get married. He has spoken about having a child and travelling together on several occaisions but no word on marriage.
I have spoken to him about why i want a timeline on when we would get married but ultimately he wants to live together first but assures me that he can see us getting married..
I’m frustrated because i don’t want to give an ultimatum and i’m scared to move without some kind of commitment towards marriage.
How should i handle this?
I would appreciate all the help i can get!
Post # 3
@weddingwannabee: I think that is a valid concern. statistics show that once you move in together you are actually less likely to get married.
I can see his point of view though. It is important to know how someone lives before you get married to them.
I wouldnt move in with my now husband until we were engaged. In your case I think a big move without some sort of a commitment is a little risky, with children being involved, and it being such a far distance (finding a new job, etc.) I wouldnt necessarily give him an ultimatum, but I would think on it for a while, and maybe consider dating seriously a bit longer to make sure he is serious. Tell him your concerns and move on from there.
Post # 4
I think it’s very situational.
For your situation, I feel like moving in together is an even larger step than marriage, beause you each have children. This means he’s comfortable with you being around his children, and most likely, interested in having you help raise his children.
This is a pretty big deal!
If he says he can see you two getting married, then that’s how he feels.
If you are concerned, I would have a real sit-down with him before you move in – discussing plans for the future. This should help you feel at ease. You can tell him upfront exactly what you expect, but don’t rush him into anything.
I also think living together is very good, you can learn how to cope together before marriage, so it doesn’t put a stress on your marriage. Who takes care of the laundry? What happens when the kids rooms aren’t clean? I think it really helps for these things to be taken care of before marriage.
Post # 5
I agree the PP I would not move in period because you are uprooting not just your life. You two have been together for years and he should know by now if he wants to get married. He should give you a ring and set a date and you shouldnt move in until after the wedding. You deserve that much and the fact that you didnt pressure him and allowed the relationship to flow should show him that you love him.
I too am a single parent I held of getting married because I wanted to raise my girls without interfere it might not be what others would have done but it worked well for me. My girls are grown and have their own lives. I didnt live with any man and I dont live with my Fiance he is in the military and when he comes home he will live on base until he retires.
He respects my decision and is still happy to marry me and doesnt mind waiting until after the wedding to live together.
Post # 6
I moved in with Fiance before we were married, but I don’t think I would have if I had had kids. There’s no way I’d want them to see a man as a father figure unless he was willing to step into that role in a permanent kind of way (and while I realize that not all marriages are permanent, I’d like the assurance that he was at least thinking in that direction.)
Post # 7
Because there are kids involved, I believe that this is a serious concern. I have lived with my Fiance for 3 years out of 5 and the only reason we didn’t get married is because I wanted to wait until I started grad school.
However for you, I feel like it is reasonable to want a timeline that is shorter (maybe under a year to at least be engaged) and then a marriage shortly following that. You have 3 children that will be affected. And if you and your child move it’s a big change for them with school, friends, etc. You don’t want to be together for a year or two and dragging children through the mud because you and your SO didn’t discuss this in detail first.
Good luck! I hope you get a solid result!
Post # 8
Ok lets see…
34… Mother to 1. Dating the same man for aprox 10 years.
And now you are contemplating moving in with your guy… but wondering if it will lead to marriage.
Well… ONLY you can answer that question. You need to sit him down and have a LIFE PLAN TALK … especially if this is something you haven’t done before with him.
He needs to know what your plans are for YOUR LIFE… and if Marriage is a PRIORITY for you then he needs to know that.
No point hoping for Engagement / Marriage if that isn’t in his LIFE PLAN as well.
You need to know that going in… not 6 months or a year from now.
I am a BIG Believer in gals being straight up about what they NEED / WANT / DESERVE out of life and finding men to deliver on those things.
I am an Encore Bride (over 50)… first time I married, I would only live with him IF we were Engaged, and were planning a Wedding.
This time round… Mr TTR and I lived together for many years… because in the beginning Marriage wasn’t a priority for either of us.
When it became apparent to me that it was something I wanted… I realized that I had to share my LIFE PLAN with him, and based on his answers make a decision… stay as is, go, or wait for the impending proposal (I told him I wanted to be Engaged within a year… married shortly thereafter)
Mr TTR saw my point of view… and hence we got engaged (no Ultimatum here… just a clear drawn out presented statement on WHY marriage was important to me… and why I thought it would be good for both of us). He agreed. We got engaged 5 months later… and were married 9 months later.
Hope this helps,
Post # 9
@weddingwannabee: I understand where you’re both coming from – personally I would never get married without living with my SO first, my SO and I have been living together for a couple of years now and you learn so much about them and yourself, as well as who you are as a couple when you live together that being apart could never teach you (good and bad).
Obviously it can work both ways – getting engaged before of after living together – but I must admit I’ve heard far more stories about people getting a rude shock when they move in together AFTER marraige.. I love that my SO and I have been able to share this part of our lives before getting engaged and it’s only cemented in both of our minds that we want to spend our lives together.
I totally understand your concerns however I think if you have been clear about what you want and he has acknowleded this then you needn’t worry. Enjoy the excitement of living together and the rest will follow 🙂
I’m sure you will still get that proposal 🙂
Post # 10
@weddingwannabee: Because the cow is AWESOME and one presumes there’s a lot more to her than milk! ;D
Lots of people (myself included) would never even consider marriage without living together first to ensure the best chance of getting along well and being happy, learning the most you can about the person first. He might be that sort of person.
Probably you’ll want to sort out and make sure that’s the situation – that he WOULD marry you, if living with you panned out well, and that it wouldn’t take forever. You want to get a “seems reasonable” at least (better an enthusiastic “duh”) before committing to live together, if marriage is your goal. That’s an uncomfortable conversation, but one you ought to have, as it could set your mind at ease. If he is avoidant about it, the answer is probably a bad one and he doesn’t want to say it.
Post # 11
@weddingwannabee: this whole milk/cow concept always kinda irks me. I think the risk of a guy not marrying you after moving in together is dependent entirely on the guy’s feelings toward marriage and/or feelings about marrying you. My Darling Husband was excited to marry me even though we had already lived together for 2 years. And I would definitely want to live with someone before marriage or even a proposal, but not everyone is that way of course.
If a guy thinks marriage itself is flawed or not a big deal or feels too young for it or is just plain uncertain about marrying you in particulsr then sure, a guy might be content to just live together indefinitely until the situation is forced. Lots of men though love the idea of marriage and that kind of commitment (Perhaps not enough to go around based on countless threads on the Bee!) For women who are with men who aren’t like this, well, they have a bit more of a challenge ahead of them! Hats off to them for convincing them to get hitched! 🙂
Post # 12
We moved in together years ago but only got engaged recently.
Why did I buy the cow? Well, we were finally ready to get married. But I don’t really consider him a cow (or a bull). He’s my equal.
I know you weren’t comparing yourself to chattel!
Post # 13
I do not think it is important to live together first. (It might be helpful but it is not essential by any means). If you love someone you make sure it works, no need to ‘test-drive’.
I would make it clear to him that you are not going to be living there for years and years without marriage. If you do not do this now, you could end up trapped with a person who actually never wants to get married but just strings you along.
Post # 14
@weddingwannabee: I was totally in your shoes, had a couple talks with my man about it and held my ground. I moved in about 5 months before our wedding date. While I think it is important to live together first, I definitely see your point about needing a little reassurance before making such a big move. I suggest you have a talk with him and express your needs, not in terms of an ultimatum, but letting him know you’ve reached a point in your life where you are wanting be true to yourself and the relationship having to upheave your entire life. The last thing you want is to be another year down the road and still nothing doing, and then you are trapped. Not to say that would happen but you get the idea. I’d write this more eloquently but I’m super tired right now and will try to write you again with more detail. Until then, I hope this inspires you to be honest with him.
Post # 15
I think it’s a very individual decision. Personally, it was important to me to move in with my Fiance before we got engaged. I think you learn a lot about someone through living together, and I wanted to know that we could cope with everyday life stresses like paying bills before we committed to marriage. Also, I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, which has a huge effect on my home life. I wanted my Fiance to get an idea of exactly how bad it was before we got married, because as much as I’d tried to explain it to him, you really don’t see what OCD is like until you live with it.
I think you and your SO just have to keep up the communication. Explain to him that marriage is important to you and that you will not ‘settle’ for living together forever without marriage. Don’t worry about seeming pushy – you have every right to explain to him what you want out of life.
Post # 16
Have you said, “I’d love to live with you, but can’t help but worry because you’ve never mentioned marriage in all of these talks. Am I misunderstanding something here?” What did he say? I think that will tell you a lot.