Post # 1
Hi bees, I’m new to this site but not new to waiting. I have a question and would appreciate any insight you may have.
I recently moved in with my boyfriend and while this is an exciting step forward in our relationship, on reflection I am starting to wonder whether this will mean it takes longer for him to propose, since to him it may feel like he has all the benefits of a live in lover without any of the serious stuff.
I want to get married, he knows I do, and he has said that he sees a future with me but has made it clear that he isn’t ready to propose yet, and that moving in is a sort of compromise along the way.
I’m worried he’ll think he’s bought himself a year or more.
Post # 2
Only he would know. Personally I think it is a great step to live with someone for atleast a year before marriage. Never heard of it being an excuse to delay a proposal…
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
It didn’t hold anything up for us – moved in together 11 months into the relationship and were engaged nine months after that (with conversations about it for three months prior to the proposal). I hadn’t expected anything much earlier than that.
Post # 4
You don’t want him to propose if he’s not ready anyway. Enjoy living together and give him time.
Post # 5
I’ll admit that I never considered myself “waiting,” but I moved in with now Darling Husband after about 5 months of dating, and we were engaged after a little over 2 years of dating…married 5 months after that. Other people may be married after several years and never living together, and others may get married after living together for a while. Some people get married after a couple of months, whether they are living together or not. My point is, it depends on the couple, and you won’t be able to agree on expectations unless you talk about it first. There is no secret code, and Internet strangers can’t tell you what will happen in your relationship.
Post # 6
It really depends on your boyfriend, but I would agree that you don’t want him to propose if he’s not ready. I lived with my boyfriend for five years before he proposed (and we had been together for three years before that), so timelines are different for everyone. You could always make it clear that you want to be engaged within a year and explain why that is so he has a better idea of where you’re coming from, but in the end I don’t think you can force these kinds of things.
Post # 7
I’ve never met a man who actually had this cow/milk mentality.
Post # 8
“I want to get married, he knows I do, and he has said that he sees a future with me but has made it clear that he isn’t ready to propose yet, and that moving in is a sort of compromise along the way.”
^ your words.
moving in is a sort of compromise
^ his words
My $0.02? “Compromise” equals “delayed wedding.”
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2016 - Long Island, NY
My FH and I moved in together, and he says it was a necessary step before a proposal. I didn’t look at it like that, I wasn’t really waiting until we started talking about it about 3 months after move in.
He proposed about 2.5 months after we went seriously looking at rings, which was about 6 months after our move in date.
Post # 10
In your situation I would say yes, only because it’s his “compromise”.
He knows you want to get married, he said moving in is a compromise, I think you are correct in him “buying time”.
All relationships are different and the only way you will know if this is what he’s doing is if you ask.
My Fiance asked me to move in with him the first time less than a year into being together. I told him that I wouldn’t move in with him without a ring on my finger. At that point neither of us were ready to get married. About two years later, he brought it up again, I brought up marriage, and he still wasn’t ready and it went back and forth like that for a little bit (there was a bit of tension in this period, lots of tears and overt reactions on my part) It wasn’t until last Christmas that he asked me to marry him in February we moved in together.
I don’t necessarily believe that NOT moving in with him would have sped up the process either per my experience. I just knew that I didn’t want to compromise on my beliefs.
Post # 11
I think if a guy is sincere about marrying you he’ll propose whether you live together or not, if a guy isn’t sincere about wanting to marry you he’ll find endless excuses whether you live together or not, they’ll just be different excuses.
Post # 12
It’s really up to you.
Honestly, I can’t imagine sharing my home and belongings with someone who isn’t intending to marry me. I told my Fiance before he moved in (state relocation as well) that I intended to date him, however if we were living together marriage was my expectation. He had the ring a month after he moved in and proposed after two months of living together. I can’t imagine having him here without the commitment of marriage.
I don’t really see living together as a compromise, but that is my personal opinion. Your situation and beliefs could be different. Living together is easy (you can always move out, especially if renting a little apartment. I’ve seen people “ghost” and just leave before their SO gets home from work), wheras committing to marriage is entirely different. I have higher standards for my Fiance than I did a room mate, so letting him move in meant a lot more to me than just being my SO.
Could it delay your proposal? At this point it sounds like marriage isn’t even really on his mind. I personally wouldn’t choose to live together unless we were ring shopping. It was hard for me to let Fiance move in, but he told me (we were very open about marriage/proposals) he was waiting on finding the perfect jeweler down here and waiting for the perfect moment, and that it would happen within 3 months. I was giddy those first two!
Post # 13
cottontail1: I think it depends on your relationship and we’re you’re both at, in it. I didn’t move in with my now-DH until almost 3 years of dating. He had asked me the summer before, but I wasn’t ready to make that step. Not that I didn’t want to, but I owned my place and would have to find a home for my cat (DH is allergic), so those were factors for me. I also would have perferred a ring before I had moved in with him… but, I gave in (bad term, I know) and made the decision that the time was right a year later.
My place went on the market at the beginning of August, had a few offers put in that went nowhere and then in mid-October, it sold. I had already been living at his place since July, but at that point, I was helping him pay his bills, instead of me still paying my mortgage/bills but us living together. We had discussed a “somewhat” timeframe of getting engaged before I moved in, and he said it would probably be 4-5 months. I will admit that I had a little break down about 3 months into living with each other, but that was just impatience setting in. We went and looked for rings that January, and he proposed a few weeks later… which was about 3 years and a few months of dating.
Had I moved in with him earlier, would we have gotten engaged and married earlier? Maybe, but I don’t know. The timeframe worked for me, and the two of us. He was actually on this “5 year plan” thing for us, but I kept telling that at our age, that was ridiculous (we were both in out 30’s when we started dating).
Post # 14
cottontail1: I’ve seen it tons of times in my own circle of friends and you see it here all the time, too. “We’ve been together 10 years and he still hasn’t proposed.” Uuuhhh… why would he when you have the house and kids together already? Sooo… I’d say yes, in many cases it definitely delays the marriage. I do think it’s a good idea to live together, but not until being engaged.
Post # 15
cottontail1: I wouldn’t move in with a man before at least being engaged, just because I’m not interested in being a live in girlfriend. It’s a very personal decision. I don’t know if living together would make some guys a bit more “comfortable”, so maybe they feel that they can coast by for a few more years with “just” a live in girlfriend.
Maybe the more important thing to consider is, what if it does take him years to decide to propose? Will you be OK with that or will you eventually become resentful of him and resentful of the living situation? Many women post in the Waiting section about feeling regret over moving in with their SO or buying a home with him based on promises of a future proposal and then they move in and ten years pass and now he doesn’t want to even talk about marriage. Only you know if your SO is one of those guys – the type to make empty promises and tell you what he thinks you want to hear. If your SO has always been an honest, straightforward type of guy and he tends to say what he means, then IMO there is no reason for you not to move in with him unless you’re uncomfortable with that arrangement for any reason. My Fiance is very honest with me and vice versa, so I would have been comfortable living with him prior to engagement if that was something that both of us wanted.