(Closed) Moving in – can it extend the wait?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
246 posts
Helper bee

I think you definitely need to let your bf know your expectations before moving in.  It is a good time to have a serious talk and tell him if you move in, you would like to get engaged at some point.  Age can be a factor too.

I was a little older when I moved in with my now husband and I was very clear that I didn’t want to move in with him unless we could get engaged.

He still took a little bit of gentle nudging after we moved in – but we got there and now are so happy to be married.  My best advice – you can never go wrong by being direct and honest with him about how you feel and what your wants and needs are.

Post # 17
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I don’t get the big deal about living with a partner. In Australia the majority of couples live together before engagement, and we all still get engaged in a reasonable time frame. 

My Fiance ended up moving across the country with me after 6 weeks, we started seriously talking marriage and babies after 4 months and we decided to get officially engaged just before our 2 year anniversary. Our wedding is in Feb. I loved every second of living with him, before and after being engaged. Stop worrying and enjoy this next phase of your relationship. 

Post # 18
2471 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m not getting how moving in together equates with “sort of a compromise along the way”.

I see lots of women here who say “SO doesn’t think a piece of paper is important to our feelings for one another”. In my personal opinion, a piece of paper can be very VERY important. 

Another thing I read a lot here is that although most men and omen are sexually active before entering a serious relationship, there is often sort of an after the fact sense that one or either party will or is entitled to be in denial of this. Paraphrasing- “.       I know you slept with (others) before you slept with me but I don’t want to hear anything about the others, ever…..”, and that may turn out to be a tough rule to live by.

I’m going to guess that this discussion will break down fairly evenly between women who will say that moving in makes no differences, and those who say that they felt it caused a permanent union to be pushed farther away than brought closer. 

Post # 19
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

cottontail1:  My husband and I moved in together in July 2013 and he proposed on Christmas that same year so 5 months later 🙂

Post # 20
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

OP, I think there is no DOUBT that he thinks he has bought himself at least a year.  He made his feelings clear to you, that he wasn’t ready to propose and that this was a compromise.  At least he has been open and honest with you.

I think that moving in together without previously determining what your expectations are is a mistake for any relationship and in this case, you have discussed them but your mistake was that you didn’t set out clearly what you expected from him.

I don’t think all hope is lost or anything, I just think you’ll need to raise the subject again to make sure he knows what you want and expect. 

Post # 21
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Yes…as my parents have said, don’t play house before the ring.

Post # 22
987 posts
Busy bee

RobbieAndJuliahaha:  +1

I think generally girls have more thoughts about the milk/cow thing and guys (crappy ones) take advantage of that thinking when in reality they werent going to propose anyway, regardless if you lived with them prior to marriage or not. If he wants to propose he will (when he is ready), whether or not you already live together. 

Post # 23
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’ve been with my SO for nearly 4 years. He asked me to move in after 1 year – I said I wasn’t ready.  We finally moved in together 1.5 years ago, and got engaged last month.  Moving in together can be a big change to a relationship. I think it strengthened ours threefold. You get to see a different side to your SO and vice versa.  It’s 100% worth the wait. 

That said – is your SO buying time? Yes. But he’s compromising and that is a sign that he is certainly looking toward the future and taking steps forward.  Make your expectations known, but give it time. When you both are in the same place, it’s truly when you feel that balanced partnership – which is what it’s all about, right? Don’t force anything.

Post # 24
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

It’s less about how it will effect him and more about how it will effect you. Are you OK with living together without more commitment and will you not feel resentment or impatience? That’s the important part, not the cow/milk.

Post # 25
3541 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

cottontail1:  I think if he’s going to put off the engagement, he will do it with or without living together. If he is going to propose, he will propose regardless. 

Post # 26
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

cottontail1:  In our case, I feel it helped speed things up.

The other day my Fiance said that he felt that I was so awesome that he couldn’t wait to “put a ring on it”. In other words, if he feels he’s getting such a good deal, he should be willing to secure you, and get you off the market, not take advantage of you. 

Post # 27
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I don’t think it’s a case of why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. I think it’s very clear that your boyfriend is not ready to get married and it doesn’t matter if you guys live separately or together he needs more time and you’re right it probably is going to be more closer to a year. I think that if you move in with him you will just start to resent him because you’re ready to get married and you’re going to find yourself doing things to prove to him that you would be a good wife, and that’s not gonna make him want to marry you any sooner.I think moving in with him it’s just gonna make you guys break up sooner because you’re going to putting pressure on him to get married and he’s going to start to feel stressed out about being pressured. I think you guys should continue to live separately and continue to work on your relationship, and communicate with him and find out what are the things lacking from your relationship, that makes him feel that you two are not at the point where he wants to make you his wife.

Post # 28
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

cottontail1:  It can extend the wait but every relationship is different.

Post # 29
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

For us, if anything, it may have accelerated the proposal.  He popped the question about a week and a half after we moved in.  But we had also had some deep conversations prior.  He clearly let his intentions be known to me, which is what made me comfortable to move in together in the first place.  He knew what he wanted and he was ready to get engaged.  If for some reason we didn’t get engaged soon, it probably would have negatively affected our relationship, as that would have thrown my trust, and my comfort off.

It’s all about setting expectations, and only letting yourself into a situation that you are comfortable with.

Post # 30
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

cottontail1:  The problem with moving in if he is not sure, is it effectively cuts off your ability to date anyone else.

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