(Closed) Moving in – can it extend the wait?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I think this really depends on the expectations that are set and discussed before you move in. When you talked to your boyfriend about the proposal did he say what he thought would need to happen for him to be ready? Did he see moving in as a step towards engagement? I’ve generally seen one of two things happen in my social circle:

– option A – the couple moves in together and then gets engaged within the next year, usually around 8-10 months after moving in together

– option B – the couple moves in together and is still not engaged multiple years later.

So it can really go either way unfortunately… I was lucky enough to be in the Option A group – and I think a lot of this had to do with the conversations I had with my now Fiance before we moved in together and making it clear to him that living together for years on end without getting engaged was not an option for me. If you really feel uncomfortable living together for longer than a year without getting engaged you really need to talk to him about it and preferably earlier rather than later so he doesn’t feel too pressured.

Post # 47
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

In a word, yes. You think it’s a step forward in your relationship, he sees it as a side step, an alternative that requires little commitment. 

Post # 48
Member
415 posts
Helper bee

nycsa:  

The problem with moving in if he is not sure, is it effectively cuts off your ability to date anyone else.

+1,000

Post # 49
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think it’s different for everyone. My SO and I moved in together officially after 4 months of dating and have now been living together almost 4 years. Well be engaged by the new year for sure but I do feel it would have been sooner if I had not moved in. That being said I wouldn’t change it. You don’t really know how you get along with someone or how you mesh until you’re really in each other’s lives, every day seeing how they are in everyday life and dealing with the not so pleasant bits of them. You see everything from how they are with money to their gross habits to their immense comic book collections and you learn if you can love them with everything. All of them. I don’t feel, in my personal opinion, that you should marry someone you’ve never lived with. You just can’t understand who they are and how you work together.

Post # 50
Member
3470 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

cottontail1:  No one but your SO can answer this.  It really depends on WHY he’s not “ready” now.  

I can tell you for my husband living together or not had little to do with when he felt “ready” to be married. 

Post # 51
Member
616 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Actually moving in with my now fiancé made us both realize how much faster we would like to be married. We started living together 2 years in and then he proposed 5 months after that (not the original plan of 8-12 months). 

We did have serious discussions about marriage and our future before moving in though (getting a feel for each other’s dream timelines).

Post # 52
Member
2454 posts
Buzzing bee

For me, no it did not extend the wait. We wouldn’t even be engaged if we did not love together as we both feel this is an important step in the relationship and in determining whether or not you are compatible. For us, this was the next step before getting engaged. 

I think if you are already intimate together then having a “live in lover” is not a concern. I think many people are concerned about something like that, but honestly, if you are already having sex it really doesn’t matter, he is already getting the “milk for free.” Only you know your bf. Sometimes moving in can make them see that they really want you in their life and other times it could still take longer and could even cause them to realize they don’t want you in their life. Other times, yes it can cause the wait to be longer. For example, my best friend recently bought a house (a no no to me but she didn’t listen to anyone), they are both on the mortgage, and while they are still going in the correct direction, they will not be getting engaged by the time they originally discussed. They just cleaned out their savings to buy the house, and need to build that up before they consider a ring and a wedding. So it depends on your situation and him. 

Post # 53
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee

I think it delays it for sure. Maybe for a month, maybe 6, maybe a year, maybe several. Why wait a day longer than you have to whwn it’s driving you crazy? You have a better chance of him proposing sooner if you don’t move in with him.

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