Post # 1
SO and I had a heart-to-heart discussion this past weekend about us being 30 and me wondering whether he was in it for the long haul. I wanted action, not words–I told him. He’s lived with his mom since graduating from college years ago. He asked me if I trusted him. I said–I trust you somewhat, but I also don’t, because I thought we were going to be engaged by this time. Plus he still lived with his mom and I never saw that changing. I told him, it’s ok if you want to live with your mom forever, but I have needs, and if he isn’t able to meet them, we need to part ways. I emphasized I love him so much–it’s just my brain has this inner battle dialogue going and I couldn’t keep that inner battle going anymore.
<div>And–he listened. Last night, he came over, dropped off his belongings, and told me he’s serious about moving in, committing fully in action (and not just words), and that he plans to propose within the next 8-12 weeks. I’ll see what happens next. It was the most emotionally-wrought conversation I’d had with him, and I apologized after for rushing him, if he felt rushed. He said not to apologize–sometimes it takes a push/jolt to get him going, and he knows I love him.</div>
<div>What was the road to moving in/engagements like for others? Are guys usually this complacent (I mean, I love him, but it’s been a journey)?</div>
Post # 2
I moved back in with my folks after my previous relationship fell apart; I met DH about 6 months later. Fast forward a year and a half and I was DONE living at home again. I’d been having some issues with my folks and personal space and I decided it was time for me to get a place of my own.
WELL, was he ever not having that! He was super upset that I wanted to move out on my own but he wasn’t ready to move in with me. You can’t have it both ways! His brother and his now wife decided to buy a home and DH was put in the position of keeping their old house or buying on his own or with me/a friend. I told him, you have to tell me to wait or else I’ll do my own thing. It ended up working out but man did he have a hard time articulating what he wanted.
And with the proposal, he needed SEVERAL pushes to get his ass moving. We had a convo in January, and then apparently he told his brother and his now wife that he was going to propose (this convo was sometime in May, a month before their wedding – he wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to steal their thunder). Did NOTHING about it until I talked to him about it again in July. We were engaged in September, two months later. But as I said, lots of pushing necessary.
Some guys need the push to get out of their comfort zone.
Post # 3
Theres nothign wrong with you telling him flat out what you need and giving him a kick in the pants to move out of his freaking moms house. Did him a favor. Now you just see if he follows through- let him know youre counting on it.
Post # 4
With my ex, who also lived with his parents for many years after college, I had to push and fight for everything. It was like jamming a square peg into a round hole. In the end it took dumping his ass for him to make an effort to get his shit together, but by then it was too late (I had fallen out of love).
With my husband, we were pretty much on the same page from the get go, which was a breath of fresh air.
If all else is good with you guys, I would give him a chance to show you he finally is stepping up. Hopefully this really was the push he needed and he’s done dragging his feet. One of my bff’s husbands was kinda like this…she has definitely been the “captain” throughout their relationship, steering the ship (I dunno why all the naval metaphors lol). Her bf (now husband) was unemployed for ages and she was losing her mind because he wasn’t being proactive about the job search. She basically strong armed him into getting his life on track and now they are married with a baby and very happy. So some men in these cases can pull it together, while I believe others are somewhat hopeless.
Post # 5
Don’t be sorry for expressing your needs! Life teaches us that an engagement has to be this spontaneous suprise that men have complete control over, but that’s nonsense! It’s your LIFE and you get a say!
We have been together for almost 10 years. And while he asked me to marry him on a riverside in Japan, our engagement was a 2 year long process of tough conversations and compromises. We put in the work, and now we’re heading into marriage on a solid foundation of complete understanding and equality.
Post # 6
These responses sound exhausting. Why would you want to be with someone who has to be pushed, forced, cajoled, into making a decision? Especially when that decision is whether or not to move your relationship forward?
I think women should absolutely maintain control over their needs and wants, but the only person you can control is yourself. If his internal motivation isn’t enough, why would you stay? Does it make you feel good to realize that it was like pulling teeth to get him to stay with you?
Post # 7
I’ve never had to push my SO into taking the next step per se, but I have usually had to bring it up, he’d think about it for a little bit, and then agree it made sense. He’s just not good at taking initiative and doesn’t always think about things like next steps in our relationship. However having said that, he is very committed and always takes what I bring up seriously, he just needs a little bit (a few hours to a few days) to process and then he’s on board. And if him not being great at taking initiative is the ONE thing he has going against him, I’ll take it! (And I don’t like to look it as “going against him” because it’s who he is and I totally accept it, I just don’t know how else to word it lol)
For example, we were friends first and I told him I liked him. He took like half an hour to process, and then called and said we should start dating. When I started spending a lot of time at his place, I mentioned that it would be convenient for me to keep some clothes in his closet and he was on board with that right away. When I mentioned it would make sense for me to move in when my lease was up since I was always at his place, he first agreed it made sense financially and then after processing a few days, he was totally good with it. As for getting engaged, I mentioned the timeline I wanted, and he was upfront that he assumed it would happen in the future but hadn’t thought seriously about when. But he thought about it, and within a few conversations we came up with a timeline that made sense for both of us (he’s a very practical and financially minded person so he factored in that sort of thing).
Sorry that’s so long, but my point is that just because a man doesn’t take the initiative with this sort of thing doesn’t mean he needs to be pushed or cajoled into things that he doesn’t really want to do. Everyone is different. Obviously if your SO doesn’t want to talk about these sorts of things that’s a bad sign, but it sounds like your SO was open to talking about it, heard what you had to say, and took action. So it sounds like congratulations will be in order soon!
Post # 8
- Wedding: December 1969 - City, State
Maybe he didn’t realise taking the next step has become increasingly urgent for you? But you know what – as soon as you made your needs heard, he made his intentions clear and just like that – packed up and was ready to move in with you. Sounds like things are finally moving along you after some nudging – which he admitted he needed.
Post # 9
I wrote a long post out but my phone erased it. So I will just say good luck.
Post # 10
I agree. I had to learn the hard way.
Post # 12
With my ex, I had to push him every step of the way. It was exhausting and ultimately one of the biggest reasons we didn’t work out.
With my now Fiance, we were in sync with next steps from the beginning. We discussed living together and marriage early on, and he willingly followed through with all plans. It has been such a breath of fresh air to not have to fight or push for what I want.
I agree that if this has been you’re only battle, I don’t think it’s a major issue, but if he’s regularly all talk and no action, you may need to think a bit harder before moving in together.
Also, I would recommend having a serious talk before you move in together about next steps. There are a lot of stories on here from women who live with their SOs but are waiting years for a proposal. Good luck!
Post # 13
Fiance brought up moving in together first, and he brought up marriage first. Or I should say, he started dropping little hints to suss out my feelings about marriage (asking about rings and what kind of weddings I liked) until I finally got frustrated with all the beating around the bush and asked, “Are you bringing up weddings because you want to talk about marriage? Cause I’d rather just talk about marriage,” and he said something along the lines of, “Oh, I’ve been wanting to ask how you felt about it but I didn’t want to scare you off since I know we haven’t been dating that long and I don’t want you to run for the hills.” Once we got around the coy questions and established that we both saw it heading toward marriage, everything moved pretty quickly. We talked about it, decided we wanted to get engaged & married within a certain timeframe, made plans to move in together, etc. Everything moved easily becasue we were both on the same page and excited to take things to the next level.