Post # 1
Sooo I come from a very traditional religious backgroud where living together before marriage is frowned upon. My fiancee and I both live in the same city away from home, so we can’t move back in with our parents. We are expected to pay for the wedding ourselves because neither of us come from wealthy families. Our leases are up one year before the wedding and I think it makes sense to move in together early so that we can save more aggressively for the wedding but our parents are not taking the news well. They are sucking the fun out of the whole thing for me. I want to do what’s right but what happens when what’s right doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. The only comprise that i can think of is going to the courthouse before we move in together… but i think that will make me resent our parents because i don’t really want to do that. Any advice?
Thanks a million!
Post # 2
Just move in together. You will learn so much about each other and it is an excellent tool before marriage. Let them live with frowny faces, leads to wrinkles anyway.
Post # 3
Did what the two of you feel is best for your relationship. Because after all, it is your relationship, not your parents’. I personally feel that life is too short to live by someone else’s values. I can understand if your family is traditional and religous. They probably waited until marriage to have sex, waited until marriage to move in together, had children, and followed those rules. They lived life by their values.
Do you share those beliefs? Because this is your life. Live it the way you feel is best for you and your future husband. Hopefully your parents can respect the way you live your life.
Post # 4
I felt a little weird about living together before we were married, but I’m so glad we did!
good luck to you!
Post # 5
My mom wasn’t excited about the idea of us living together before we married either. But I’m glad we did it.
You’re an adult… old enough to marry, so I think it’s clear that you’re old enough to make the decision to move in together. Obviously you’re not rushing into it. If your parents don’t want to assist financially with another scenario, then I don’t think their opinion is entitled to a ton of deference, respectfully.
Post # 6
I think you need to do some reflecting on what YOU think is the right choice morally and religiously. Do you have a problem with co-habitation? Are you saving yourself for marriage? It really doesn’t matter what your parents think. Your parents will get over it.
If you personally do NOT have moral/religious qualms about pre-martial sex or co-habitation I’d just put on your big girl pants and do it. Tell your parents and let them get over it.
If you DO have actual moral/religious objections to co-habitation, then I thik you have a few options:
1) Elope. I don’t love this option.
2) Get a temporary sub-lease or roommate sitation until the wedding. Even if it costs a few extra dollars it is probably worth it to be at peace with your moral/religious decisions long term.
3) You could live together but have seperate bedrooms until marriage. Even if it means one person having their bedroom in the living room until you get married, if that’s how you feel about things that’s totally do-able.
Post # 7
I think you’re going to get a lot of advice from bees along the lines of “If you’re ready to get married, then you should be ready to stand up to your parents.” If you and your fiance do not have any reservations, religious or otherwise, about moving in together before marriage, I think you should do what works best for you and stop discussing it with your parents.
Post # 8
My Muslim cousin had a nikah (religious marriage contract) with a very small family dinner a year before her legal marriage for this exact same reason. Not sure what religion you are from, but this might be a possibility, depending. I know people say to ignore your parents, and that’s what I would do, but I know that can be easier said than done.
Post # 9
oops i replied to the wrong thread lol
Post # 10
What exactly is your religion and background? It might make it easier to advise.
In the same vein as thegrandsophy, I’ve had traditional Chinese friends who blended their traditional Chinese engagement with aspects of the traditional wedding ceremony a year before the wedding. They then moved in with each other. For all of the family’s intents and purposes, it was like they were already married before they held the wedding ceremony and reception that they actually wanted.
I wouldn’t go to the courthouse myself. If your families objections are that you aren’t married “in the eyes of God,” getting a courthouse ceremony might not make much of a difference in how they feel.
Post # 11
My Fiance wanted us to live together first, but I hesitated. Mainly due to the fact that I wokrk be relocating to a city and state where I knew no one, had no job, no family or friends and on top of that, he works 28 days then off 2 weeks, so for that month in Heyert, id be completely 100% on my own, no job so no money of my own so I decided against it. I also come from a very traditional family. While it’s easy to say “it’s your life don’t let your parents tell you what to do” it always depends on the relationship youd have with them after. For me, my relationship with them would never be the same and if something awful happened and o needed help (health issues, children issues, etc) I wouldn’t be able to turn to them because of their “you made your bed, you lie in it” attitude. Or, backing up, if the relationship didn’t work out (I’m a realist, I know it can happen) that again, I’d be completely on my own without any support, including emotional. So I’d be burning a bridge if I took that that route, and to me it’s not with it for a total of being together about 3 months a year.
I know now that was a long rant, but just offering my experience and understanding of traditional families.
Post # 12
FI and I also both come from very traditional religious families and I was terrified to tell them that we were moving in together. FI’s family just pretends that it isn’t happening. My family expressed disapproval but once we actually moved in together, didn’t say much about it. They remind me that my grandmother would be very displeased and that I shouldn’t tell her, but I wouldn’t volunteer that information anyway, so it’s nbd.
I know it’s much easier for us to tell you to do what you and your Fiance want and that we don’t have to live with the comments. I had a lot of anxiety about telling my family, so I definitely am not minimizing your feelings, however you said that you would resent your family if you eloped now, so I think you should move in and get married next year as you and your Fiance planned.
Post # 13
I agree with previous posters. You are a grown woman and your parents cannot control your life. Unless you personally feel you can’t do this for religious reasons, move in together, life is easier this way. Honestly, it is the responsible thing to do financially.
I did this and asking my parents never crossed my mind.
Post # 14
I dont have a strict religious background… but I’ll tell you that living with someone is 100% your concern.
You don’t rely on your parents for money, so it’s not like you need them to be 100% on board with all your decisions. You and your Fiance are making a commitment to be each other’s famiy, you need to start making decisions about what is best for the two of you as a team.
Post # 15
I come from same background. I moved in with my fiancé right after we got back together (far from engaged) and I can say that living together is WHY we are getting married.
Just do it. They’re not paying your bills, let alone the wedding so do what you need to do.