(Closed) moving in together- how long does it stay hard?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 62
Member
1416 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Meh, we still fight constantly, it’s just who we are, lol, we are just both fighters. If you’re a fighter, and you’re around each other more hours of the day, more fights will happen. We’ve been formally living together for about 5 years now (although before that we dated for 2 years in college and spent every single night in each other’s rooms despite not being on the same official lease, so we’ve never NOT been around each other 24/7) and we fight constantly and then smile and laugh and love each other constantly, it’s just who we are (I’m the same way with my parents, we go between yelling and crying and laughing and hugging that’s just who we are and our style…) If it’s NOT your style, it should die down as you adjust to living with another person. But I definitely don’t think fighting or not fighting is really an indicator of a good relationship. I know many people who never fought and then divorced, many who fought constantly but will say they’re the happiest couple after 30 years of fighting, and vice versa, a lot of it is just a personality thing…

Post # 63
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

for us the transition to living together was really hard. we quickly found out that we relax in different ways. I like to do something to get over a crappy work day,he likes to be still and watch documentaries. it was hard as I constantly tried to make him do stuff as I couldn’t understand how he could be happy doing nothing.

It took at least 4 months and more than once I felt like calling off the engagement. However we talked a lot, he put up with me being a bitch, I appolgised for being a bitch and for the last 8months it’s been great.

I have no real advice except talk a lot and the transition is not easy for everyone.

Post # 64
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

So moved in a year and a half ago after dating for 9 months. We never had an argument and things went very well from day one. Maybe it’s because we are a bit older:)

Post # 65
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

No issues here we have lived together for a few months now but neither of us like drama and we are not into yelling so little things just get discussed and dealt with. Only issue we have had is we are both a little ocd so we sometimes beat each other to cleaning tasks more funny than anything I expected. So hasn’t had a roommate since college and I have had a do nothing roommate for years so i am used to cleaning for two and its weird not doing everything myself lol. In the year we’ve been together we have had a few disagreements and many discussions preemptivly but nothing I would call a fight so great thus far. Nice to see other posters who have been together longer also with no big fights.

 

I love that we can find more spontaneous things to do since we don’t have to drive 20 minutes to meet up. Makes little things like getting lunch or dinner, cooking together or catching a random movie or event easier. Kind of became inseparable once we moved in together but still each do our own things since we work very different hours SO 3pm to 3am and me 6am to 3pm most of the time. So living together has been great as far as finding more time to just be together and do quick things.

 

Good luck

Post # 66
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Were going on 3 years together and living together for 2.5 years. We moved in quickly together after 3.5 months. For us we rarely fight now, we have disagrements but wouldn’t call them fights. Were almost in our mid-30’s, in the begining we did have our share of fights but it takes time to know what makes the other one mad. It tends to be a period of transition. I do believe in the moto of not sweating the small things. In our place, we don’t get angry if the clothing isn’t put away once it’s out of the laundry. We know someone will get annoyed and put it away. Or if he doesn’t clean the kitchen I’ll end up doing it. Its about meeting in the middle. Life is too short to fight over, socks on the floor or the clothes are not put away… Or cutting the carrots the wrong way. I know that when he has a bad day at work, he does get testy so I don’t push his buttons. Rather tell him to get a beer and relax on the sofa. It’s about finding out about the other, it can take time.

Post # 67
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@daynalenore:  We’ve been living together for 9 months.  Our relationship hasn’t really changed.  We are still trying to learn each other’s habits, routines, who does what around the house, finances, etc – the basic living stuff.  We always say “pick your battles.”  It’s not worth telling him to pick up his clothes off the floor vs. leaving perishable food on the counter.  Don’t sweat the small stuff. 

Post # 68
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

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@daynalenore:  

DH and I moved in together when we got married. It’s been a year and a half now smooth sailing with no issues to speak of. A couple of small disagreements here and there that were quickly resolved and forgotten. However, we met each other in our late 40s and at that point in life, we had both matured and smoothed out all the rough edges on our personalities and habits (haha). So I think that is part of the reason why we have had such a smooth transition.

It sounds like you and your Fiance have been arguing over things that are work-able with and can be resolved in time. I agree with you that him doing his share of chores is very important — so don’t cut him any slack there, and stand your ground. If you keep working on him, he probably will get with the program eventually.

This has been a battle for my sister and brother-in-law. My sister is a flight attendant and she often is away from home 2-3 days at a time. She was soooo sick and tired of coming home from her trips to find a mess, and spending her days off cleaning up while her DH went out to have fun or parked in front of the TV. A few months ago, she had a meltdown when she came home to a particularly bad mess. She hired a maid service and they came in and got everything spiffy clean for $150. She handed the bill to her DH…. and he’s been picking up the house nicely ever since, LOL! Just an idea you may want to file away for future reference!

Post # 70
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We only fought mostly due to his children and our relationship and where was it going. It wasn’t really fights though, just heated conversations and some crying. It was really tough. Once we got engaged and the water calmed with his children, then no more fights.

If it was just the two of us though and we moved in together, I assume there would be none as a lot of the issues we experienced were due to circumstances beyond our control and involvement of other parties in our life. His ex causing issues with the children.

I hope that it get’s better for you and that you guys will figure all of it out. Sometimes you have to let things go for the sake of having a peacfull relationship. But also, I believe that fighting is healthy for relationship too. It shows you both care for eachother a lot… and making up is fun 🙂

Post # 71
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@daynalenore:  

I hear you! My sister threatened to hire a maid for a long time but she really did not feel they could afford it. That’s why she put off making that phone call for so long. I think she ended up going through Merry Maids, which is a national company, and they tend to cost more.

There are maids who will do it for less. I think it is much cheaper if you hire someone who works independently vs. contracting with a service such as Merry Maids. My former neighbor had a friend who cleaned houses as a side business. She charged $17/hour. She would come in for an hour and just do basics, or hang out for three hours and for $50 or so she would do everything top to bottom — floors vacuumed and mopped, things dusted, bathrooms sparkly clean, dishes in the dishwasher, laundry folded from the dryer, etc.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I would like to find someone like that! Haha!

 

Post # 72
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Oh god, the first year sucked. I had been on my own awhile, we were LDR and he had never lived away from his family. That combo did not mix well but we got through it. It was definitely not what I imagined from hating LDR to having him there all the time, though. I went through the same things about the wedding… Trust me, it’ll pass!

Post # 73
Member
3051 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Things actually went pretty smooth for us moving in together. We didn’t fight hardly at all until after 6-8 months living together. But I lived on my own before. And it wasn’t much of an adjustment for me since I’ve adjusted to MANY roommates before. My SO had to adjust though because she was coming from living at home with her mom. There’s things there that she’s STILL adjusting to. It’s hard being patient sometimes, I’ll admit that. Sometimes I’m like “come on you should know this by now, we’re in our mid twenties” but I guess it’s stuff she just wouldn’t have learned at home.

He’s young so he’s probably not as excited as you are. Or at least just not as into building a home together. I don’t have much advice but I’m sure it’ll get easier over time =) Good luck!

Post # 74
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think it really depends on the couple but we have been really fortunate to see eye to eye on so many things (ie. money, cleaning, etc).  We have been living together for 6 months.  The first few weeks to a month were very trying, especially because I moved into HIS house rather than moving into a new place together.  I/we had 2 big meltdowns in that time where I had to make it abundantly clear that he needed to make space for me and my things so it stopped being his house and became OUR home.  Since then, things have totally levelled off and of course we bicker on occasion but nothing significant.

 

Post # 75
Member
3507 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@daynalenore:  Anyone who tells you that they don’t fight more with their man since they’ve moved in together is LYINGGGG!! It’s hard because it’s sucha change and that’s okay as long as you work it out. When Matt moved into my apartment I was in a panic no matter how clean your man may be he is going to do things that will annoy you. In my case, Matt would leave the shower curtain open which he still does a year later and honestly it doesn’t drive me as crazy any more. Learn to pick and choose your battles. You’ll be fine.

Post # 76
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee

Fiance and I moved in together after 5 months of dating long distance. We lived in a tiny, one bedroom, 600 sq ft apartment. It was never hard for us, even in such a tiny space. We’re very similar when it comes to cleaning, money, etc, so we hardly ever fight. We’ve lived together for almost 3 years now (in a bigger place, thank God!).

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