(Closed) Moving in together – should we be engaged first?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

I don’t think anyone who wants to get married doesn’t because they get “too comfortable” living together. Have you guys talked about whether that’s somewhere you actually want to end up (i.e., being married)? If you have, you’re fine. If you haven’t, you should do that before you make this move, unless it doesn’t matter to you. Personally, I would not live with someone I didn’t expect to be with forever, but I’d want to make sure that expectation is mutual.

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
797 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I think you really need to talk to him about marriage before you move in together.  My bf and I have an apartment together, and before we got it we agreed that we both saw our relationship as a forever relationship, and that even though he’s not ready for marriage yet it will come eventually.  Just make sure you’re both on the same page.  Good luck 🙂

Post # 5
Member
248 posts
Helper bee

Yeah, I would talk about where the relationship is going first.

For me, if I had to do things over again, I think I wouldn’t have moved in with my SO. (We have been dating for just over 2 and a half years and we moved in together after dating for 3-4 months.) I think moving in together has made him more comfortable with our situation and I bet it is a reason he has prolonged our engagement. I bet he sees it as “why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free?” Lol. We live like a married couple in almost all ways (except we have yet to fully combine our finances). If I hadn’t had moved in, I would have had more of a bargaining chip towards the engagement process (not to say getting engaged is about bargaining, but you know what I mean). I think it would have made him more eager to spend more time with me. Also, it would’ve been nice to have my own place to relax when we needed time apart and I would’ve felt more independent. I’ve been in relationships before where we did not move in together as well, so I’ve seen both sides. Also keep in mind that there is always a chance (even if it’s extremely slim) that things in the relationship will go bad, and then you’re left with a scramble to find your own place and move out.

Post # 6
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m a little concerned that you ended an engagement not all that long ago and you’re thinking of it again so quickly.  I know everyone’s relationships are different, but please take your time, and don’t rush into things.  I rushed into moving in with living together with someone once before and I regretted it (ours was quicker than yours would be, though I wasn’t coming off a long-term relationship) because it can be hard to break up when you are living together.

I think it’s valid (and important) to have a conversation about why you are moving in together and what you see as happening.  That’s not the same thing as needing to set a timeline for engagement.  It’s making sure you’re on the same page together as to what the step means and where your relationship is going.

I’d also say you still have time.  I’m 31, started dating my boyfriend 3 years ago, same time as you did.  I want to have kids so I don’t want to wait too long…but you also don’t want to make a mistake trying to rush things.  Before moving in a few months ago, we talked about our reasons for moving in and agreed we both saw it as a big step forward in the relationship and that at some point we’d want to get married, without actually setting a timeline.  One big stumbling block had initially been the kids question and we needed to resolve it and talk it through.  (On a funny note…all of *his* friends quiz him about our moving in together and what it means, mine don’t do that so much to me.  He’s told me about a few, but the other day I heard his half of a phone call from a friend whom he hadn’t talked to in about 8 months, first explaining that I moved in, then clearly answering the “are you going to get married?” with something along the lines of “Well, I don’t think either of us would take that step without thinking of marriage as the end goal.”  Clearly kids topic was up next with a few questions, including a query about my age as the caller was remembering I’m a few years younger – but also telling my bf to get a move on.)

Finally, you say it’s something “HE” has been talking about.  Is it something you want as well?  Everyone has different feelings about whether it solidifies a relationship and is key to developing a stronger relationship or if it delays marriage.  Make sure it’s something you are comfortable with.

Post # 7
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I would bring it up in the sense of how you both envision your future.  Not necessarily a timeline per se, but making sure that you both view cohabitation as a step toward eventual marriage.  Otherwise, I’d leave it as is.

Post # 8
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would definitely have a discussion about where you both see your relationship headed in the future before moving in together. You want to make sure you both are on the same page. I live with SO and the only thing I regret is that I didn’t talk to him more in depth about our future together. We’re on the same page now, but it’s been a long anxious wait and I feel that if I brought the topic of marriage up earlier, it would have saved me a lot of anxiety.

Post # 9
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My husband and I moved in together relatively quickly. I was nervous because I’d lived with a previous boyfriend and it made the breakup really difficult (I found a place to live on Wednesday, broke up with him on Thursday and moved on Saturday).

About a 2 mos before I moved in with my now husband I totally freaked out because I didn’t want to get “stuck” again. He assured me that marriage was definitely in the future so I trusted him. He ended up proposing the next month before I even moved in.

I think so long as you have had a discussion about what you want and expect (marriage) then there’s not a problem. But it can make a guy think he’s got all the time in the world because you’re already living there and “nothings going to change” by getting married.

Post # 10
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think that both parties should be on the same page with respect to marriage and future timelines prior to moving in together. I talked about that with my now-husband, and we stuck to our plans. We were engaged 8 months after moving in together.

Only you can decide what you are comfortable with, though!

Post # 11
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

My Fiance and I moved in together after 10 months and got engaged around 3.5 years. However, we were much younger than you guys are. If we had been older and already out of school, I imagine the engagement would have come sooner (as those were the reasons we didn’t want to be engaged yet). I don’t think moving in together impedes engagement, nor do I think engagement is necessary to live with someone. I *DO* think that it needs to be something open for discussion and that you need to have already discussed being on the “same page” about marriage. I never would have moved in with him so early (or at all) if we had not both talked about our intent to be married some day; though it was later on down the road. To sum that up, talk about it, but being engaged isn’t a necessity to living together. Good luck. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

My fiance and I had been together for seven years before I finally decided to move in with him.

I’ve been living with him since May of 10′.

It was at the end of the sixith year that i realized that I wanted to be living with him and told him I wouldn’t terribly mind if we were engaged just as long as we got married after he finished nursing school, which would be in about a year and a half.

He proposed at the end of summer 2010. So, as long as you voice you concern/opinions, if he really loves and cares about you and your future, he’ll listen and honor those feelings.

Post # 13
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with letting him know moving in with someone without any plans to become engaged makes you nervous. Maybe let him know that doesn’t mean he needs to propose tomorrow, but you need to know where everything is going in order to feel completely comfortable with the situation. It’s a smart move. I forgot to ask and spent months worrying. We eventually talked, but I wish we had earlier. Hope it goes well.

Post # 14
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Talk and actually start making plans…. HEY GET MARRIED ALL TOGETHER before you move in. I was reading this article about why pay for the cow if you are getting the milk free it was really interesting.

Post # 15
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Honestly i would leave the talk for another time. Your realationship is still new and you don’t need to be engaged if your living together. We lived together a year before we got engaged and i wouldn’t have it any other way. You don’t truly no someone until you have lived with them. Marriage is huge don’t rush something that is so perfect right now.

Post # 16
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@Macintosh:

I don’t think you have to worry about having to wait on marriage with this guy.  He seems smitten and goes for what he wants (to be with you every morning when he wakes up).  If you feel the same, don’t hold back and go with it:)  I think it’s important to live together before getting engaged.  Old traditions or religious beliefs that state otherwise are very silly to me and not realistic at all.  Life is too short, do it right.  Move in and see how things go.

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