(Closed) Moving in together – should we be engaged first?

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
1266 posts
Bumble bee

I moved in with me fiance (then boyfriend) 8 months after breaking up with a boyfriend I dated for over 3 years. They were completely different relationships. I wouldn’t worry about getting too comfortable to move forward. Moving in with my boyfriend actually made us realise how great we are for eachother and made us appreciate each other more. Though, If you are really worried about it, don’t move faster than you want just because he is egging you on.

Post # 18
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

hubby and i were together 2 years before we lived together, and then got engaged another year and a half-ish later. we weren’t explicitly talking about getting married when we moved in, because to me (and him) the natural progression was to live together first. but we did talk about us in a forever kind of way, and did things like co-parented a dog together and bought a car together. i don’t think you need to be engaged first, but it’s good to be on the same page

Post # 19
2402 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I don’t think anyone should get engaged or married before they live together.

living together is the only way you can know for sure if you can, well, live together. there is such a huge difference between visiting each other all the time and actually sharing a home. having less space and time for yourself can change things.  I’d rather find out before an engagement if we’re not compatible!

Post # 20
3997 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@janie-janie: I second that (:

Just make sure you’re both on the same page regarding engagement, marriage, kids before you move intogether.

Post # 21
26 posts
  • Wedding: October 2012

Definitely, definitely, definitely talk about it make sure you BOTH see it as a precursor to engagement and marriage. It’s probably too soon to go straight to a timeline, and if he’s commitment-minded he may not need or appreciate that extra push.

Six months is a very short time though, and moving in is a big kind of commitment too. Make sure it’s what you really want, not just something he’s pushing for to save money/have convenient sex/etc.

Post # 22
1019 posts
Bumble bee

@MuchGreater: I like that you wrote that in all caps. Gee, I wonder how you feel about people not living by the moral code that you use?

OP–Six months is not a long time. See where you are when your lease is up. Make sure you’re both on the same page. Have you actually talked about engagement/marriage, or have you just talked about moving in? I wouldn’t move in without knowing that the guy actually was planning on marrying me. That doesn’t necessarily mean getting engaged, but it means that you’re both looking towards that.

Post # 23
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

i agree with the other wise ladies here. i definitely think it should be something that should be discussed, not to scare him or anything, but you don’t think it is a good idea for you to move in if you don’t see marriage as a part of your future together. or, if that’s even what you both would want. i just think you both need to be on the same page. i was with my boyfriend for almost 3 years before i moved away from home to be with him and (while very hard as neither of us like this area and can’t wait to move) i would never have left my home to be with someone if i was unsure of his feelings toward marriage with me. we have been living together for almost 6 months and i’m waiting for my ring…hopefully on my finger by mid year!

Post # 24
99 posts
Worker bee

I think it’s a highly personal decision… I’ve lived with my love for a little over 2 years now, and have been “waiting” for my ring for a few months so far.  I know he wants it all with ME, and that’s what matters (to ME) hehe  Communication is key… Shane did know what I expected eventually… I didn’t give him a timeline or anything

Post # 25
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

My advice: live with an s.o. before getting engaged/hitched so you can see what kind of roommate they’ll be and if you can live with it.

Hubs and I bicker every week over chores/messes, and after 6 years of living together, we are finally figuring out how to argue constructively LOL.

Take your time, and get to know your other half. 🙂

Post # 26
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’ve lived with a boyfriend before, and all it did was make it hard for me to break up with him when I wanted to. I always knew in the back of my mind that he wasn’t the right guy for me though. (And being young and stupid didn’t help!).. Which leads me to now, where I’m asking the same question you are about my current SO.

Honestly, this time around I think that I’d want to be engaged before we move in together. Both of our parents’ are pretty old-fashioned, and I wouldn’t mind just having my own place for a while anyway. SO and I have already talked and know that we want to be married someday, so it’s not like that’s a question with us.

But, that’s my story. It all depends on YOU and what you feel is the right thing to do! If you both want nothing more than to marry eachother someday..do what you gotta do!

Post # 27
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Unfortunately only you can know the answer to whether it is time to move in or not.

I do NOT think that you cannot know someone well before living together.

My husband and I were together for 5-6 years and never lived together until about a month before the wedding.  We had no surprises and living to gether has been smoother than i would have thought considering I have lived alone for 10 years.

I learned nothing new by living with him then what I knew before hand.  

Post # 28
1384 posts
Bumble bee

I would have a chat with him, but not in an “omg we have to get married if we’re moving in together”, but just evaluate the seriousness of your relationship before taking the big step. you don’t even have to use the words engagement or marriage, just ask him where he sees you guys in several years. If it includes a continued healthy, loving relationship, then go for it! as much as I sometimes would like the ring and to just get married and get that part over with, i am thankful for the relationship i have with my SO and where we are at as a couple. however, since it sounds like your biological clock is ticking, have you guys discussed children? i think these are some pretty big opinions that need to be open in a relationship.

Post # 29
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

We moved in together about a month ago and few months before I did mention I didnt want to before we were engaged because I did that with my ex of 4 1/2 years and he completely took advantage of that situation. I couldnt put my SO in the same boat as my Ex because they are nothing a like at all. So I moved in  with him and it has been great. They way I see it, I did something I really didnt want to do  and I decided to try it and now is his turn to give me what I wanted ( he wants it too he just wanted to be living together for a while before proposing) So it all depends on the guy and the relationship. In a way I stood my ground and made my point to him before we moved in together so he knew where I was coming from and I told him that I didnt want to be your live in wife who cooks and cleans with no damn ring. He is a very smart man and he has a plan in his head and I am looking to see a ring in the next couple of months.

Post # 30
3 posts
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m 24 and my guy and I have been dating for 9 years and just moved in together. We met really young so after years of high school, college dorms and needing some me-time after graduation I finally got the urge to live together. I was getting antsy and tired of renting…so I bought a house like a big girl all by myself. He viewed it as an ultimatum (kinda was) and a month later he finally proposed after years of eye rolls and tantrums lol. We both knew that it was that time and it works for us.

Post # 31
57 posts
Worker bee

Six months is often still the Honeymoon phase – it’s easy to hide flaws and you’re often swallowed by all the hormones flowing through you. For me personally, I would never move in with someone before dating for a solid year. That shows to me that they can commit to something for a long time – and that I won’t be moving in with someone, then possibly breaking up shortly thereafter and dealing with the awkwardness of moving out.

But before you move in, you MUST discuss your goals about marriage, your timelines, etc. I moved in with my boyfriend without an engagement – and if I had the opportunity again, I probably wouldn’t. Even the man who INSISTS he is all for marriage often gets distracted – he has everything he needs in a marriage provided without the cost of having the actual ceremony for him. I really do think it is a case of, “Why bother?” I am dealing with that problem in my own relationship now. With my deadline getting closer, my boyfriend has shifted his needs for a proposal to other issues, including the infamous, “I want our relationship to be more stable.” Besides a relatively tame fight a month or two ago, we have had a rather easy-going relationship. Don’t put yourself into a position where his reasoning might perpetually change and you’ll find yourself living together…indefinitely. Because he knows it’s just as much trouble for you to move out as it is for him, so you’ll stay longer in the hopes he’ll marry.

I know I’m cynical, but for me personally I would never again move in with someone without an engagement and a date set. I have set myself up to me “The Girlfriend” forever, or until he finally decides he’s done doing God knows what else in his life and he wants to have a family.

My man has a better idea of having children than he does of having me. Don’t put yourself in that position.

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