(Closed) Moving in with condition of engagement?

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2011

We knew we were going to get married just about as soon as we met. I literally called my dad the day after our first date to tell him I had “met someone really special and that either I was marrying him or he was going to break my heart.” Still, I had lived with someone before and didn’t take living together lightly. I told him I wanted to be engaged within a year of moving in together. Well, the story has a happy ending as we got engaged 4 months after we moved in together and married a year after that. I’m all for being clear on what you want. If you don’t say it, your partner can’t mindread and doesn’t have the chance to meet your expectations. 

Post # 18
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Before we were engaged, Fiance was renting an apartment in Toronto and I was living with my parents in the same city. I was absolutely against paying rent with a perfectly good (and free!) living situation at home, so I told Fiance that we could live together IF we bought a home together, but I wouldn’t buy a home with him unless we were engaged first.

So just like some other posters, I wouldn’t live with him unless we were engaged, just not because I thought he’d get complacent – I just didn’t want to invest $400K in a condo unless we were 100% committed.

Post # 19
Member
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m a little different…I moved from one side of the U.S. to the opposite coast to be with my now husband before we were ever engaged.  It was a long distance relationship (he is in the Navy), and we’d only spent about 2 weeks together in person before I made a leap of faith to move in with him (we’d been in an LDR for about 6 months when I moved).  I’m sure to everyone else, it looked ridiculous…but in my heart I knew I was supposed to be with him (cheesy as that may sound).

HOWEVER, when it came time for him to re-enlist about 6 months after I’d moved in with him, and the threat of relocating to another base after I’d FINALLY found a good job near my new home came about…I told him how I felt.  I remember saying, “I don’t think it is fair for me to have to follow you all over the globe if we aren’t married.”  Shortly after, he proposed.  He said he was going to do it anyways, and we’d already talked about it…but it sure made me feel better about my decision to move in the first place!

Post # 20
Member
6533 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

Before we bought our house (this spring) he promised we’d be engaged by the end of 2011. So I was ok with that – we’ve been living in this house for about 4 months now and it’s been wonderful, I know a proposal is coming so it’s just been a happy waiting time 🙂

Post # 21
Member
2570 posts
Sugar bee

I wish I had done that, but in reality I am not sure it would have worked for us. We moved across country 1+ years into dating. I should have asked for a ring first and thought about it. BUT I didnt want the money to be spent since our future was unknown and I didnt want to be “that girl”

Wrong.

I waited another 3 years and several conversations and one real thought of me moving back home before a proposal came. (due to some miscommunication)

At least you have had a conversation about timing. I never did. So I would bring it up at some point that you meant that conversation and agreement and then leave it at that. 

Post # 22
Member
250 posts
Helper bee

i’m hoping i can skirt around this before it becomes an issue in my relationship.  for the past half a year or so, boyfriend and i have been seriously discussing living together after graduation. our futures are uncertain in regards to where exactly we’ll be (though we’re seeing a lot of opportunities in texas and california), so we can only speculate so much. i made it clear to him that while i would love living with him, i’m not sure if i could do it without some form of commitment first. i’ve always thought that cohabitation is something that goes along with marriage, but my mind’s been changing as it might just be easier financially. my hope is that we’ll be engaged by (or around) graduation and set to take our next steps together in deciding where we’ll live. i guess we’ll see one way or another in the next 8 months.

Post # 23
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

Yeah, I can see him definatly milking that as much as possible, only because he’s a man and they like to go as long as possible before they commit. (One of my gf’s actually took till the exact last day she would put up with him.) I don’t live with SO (formally) 

 

He has until the end of June, which will make it 2.5 years and I told him that’s pushing it for me because I really only want to give him 2. (But he’s slow and I want him to feel like he has more time but only because I love him) 🙂 

Post # 24
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee

I had that agreement with my fiancé, so I really pushed the engagement the month before our first year living together was over. So, as a compromise, we’re engaged. He wants to propose and ‘do it right’ when he’s ‘100% ready’ which is fine with me….he’s 21, so I don’t want to rush into it if he’s not ready. I just made him keep up our bargain. lol. No marriage before we’re 100% ready. And it’s hard to put a time frame on it….especially for young guys. There are a number of reasons I know he’s not just putting it off to get the milk for free, but it took a lot of compromise and discussion.

 

I hope your guy follows through!

Post # 25
Member
3345 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

We had been talking about getting married before we moved in, and had talked about not getting engaged until we had been together for a year.  (We were a month and a half shy of a year when we moved in).  I didn’t make it a condition when we moved in, as I knew it was coming anyways.  His mother gave him his grandmothers engagement ring a while back when we had been dating for a few months.  And right wehn he was sapose to do it he did! If his mom didn’t give him that ring he told me that it probably would have been another year before he saved up to buy me an engagement ring… I’m glad that didn’t happen! 

Post # 26
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I was pretty adamant that we not move in until we were engaged.  We had been ring shopping and looking at apartments together, but he still hadn’t asked.  When we finally found an apartment, I was trying my best to be patient.  

Two weeks before we were to move in, he told me that he knew I wanted to be engaged before we moved in, but he had been “super busy” and wasn’t able to buy a ring.  I wanted to flip out but I told him it was fine, trusting that he wouldn’t let me down.

He proposed that night. 🙂

Post # 27
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

First of all, it is really ridiculous that people feel that they can judge other people’s relationships based on statistics.  What is right for your relationship might not be what is right for MY relationship.  I moved in with my boyfriend without hesitation because I knew that it was right.  We have just kept getting stronger and stronger.  Our relationship is in wayyyy better shape than most of the married couples we know.  We felt it was important to know each other as well as we possibly could, and I feel more blessed everyday that we made the choice to live together.  To those who say that guys will get comfortable and not propose because they don’t feel pressure to: that is crap.  Some guys might be like that, but my boyfriend is choosing to propose because he WANTS to marry me.  I didn’t force him into a decision because I TRUST him and I know that we are exactly where we are supposed to be.

For those interested: Studies are now showing that the likelihood of a couple that lived together before marriage to make it to their 10 year anniversary is only 3% less than couples that did not live together.  

http://articles.nydailynews.com/2010-03-03/entertainment/27057883_1_cohabiting-couples-marriage

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-03-02-cohabiting02_N.htm 

@Reign14: Just be open and honest with your guy.  I would remind him about the agreement that you had to give him a little nidge in the right direction.  Please don’t underestimate him because of what people who have never experienced this kind of situation say.  Have faith in him.

Post # 28
Member
85 posts
Worker bee

@Reign14: We moved in in june with the plan of being married in the fall… i always wanted to wait to live together until marriage… but we did long distance for 2 yrs it was hard with all the traffic and driving and snow storms last year!! we did move in…. it is great!! we get along great, we hardly ever argue, we MOSTLY split the chores lol, and we have so much fun. but on t he other hand i sort of wish i waited til we were engaged. it’s not about my bf getting comfortable… i know he wants to get engaged it’s just the money issue that is the problem. i think if we waited he might have been a little more strict about saving money. i want to be engaged already!!! lol

Post # 29
Member
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Ughh.. we bought a place together and I didn’t mention anything about getting engaged in a certain time frame after moving in. I really thought we were heading that way naturally though as we were browsing for e-rings not long before and after that.

It’s now been 18 months, and he only put a deposit down on an e-ring (because I was fed up of looking by then) 3 months ago.

He’s not the fastest of workers, but at least he is now on the right track I guess.. right? Oh dear.. hehe!

Post # 30
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I made it known that I didn’t want to move in together until we were engaged with a wedding date. He wanted to live together first, so we compromised.  We agreed that we would be engaged within the first year of living together.  We moved in together in May 2010 & became engaged in Feb 2011.  I think it’s important that expectations are discussed very early on..

Post # 31
Member
3605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

my then BF gave me keys to his house and said he wanted me to move in and i said not without a ring on my finger, which we bought a little while later and we were married within 6mths.   no religous reasons,  i didnt want to be only a live in girlfriend, i wanted more and that included the long term legal committment

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