Post # 1
Here’s some background: I’m 27 currently living with my parents, where I’m from the usual is living with your parents until you get married, is a very “traditional” society.
Even though I live with my parents, they don’t pay anything for me, I’m fully responsible of my own expenses.
I’ve been with my boyfriend (34) for 3 years already and we got engaged two month ago and we’re planning on getting married until October of next year.
My relationship with my mom is not so good, she’s narcissistic and very problematic, she’s always looking something to criticize me, for example she hates that I’m an engineer as is a “man’s job”, or that I don’t wear make-up often, etc. She’s a stay-at-home wife and thinks women should stay at home and have a husband to pay everything for her (rolling eyes).
Anyway, we keep arguing almost daily, so I barely spend time at home, I go to work from 8-6, then gym, I cook my food for the next day at my boyfriend’s house and I go to my house only to sleep.
My fiancé wanted me to move with him since long time ago, but I was scared of my parents reaction, but now since we’re engaged and my relationship with my mom keeps getting worse, I want to move with him, I’m just scared of how to tell them,
Do you have some suggestions on how I should let them know that I’m moving with my fiancé?
Thanks in advance!
Post # 2
Just break the news. I don’t think there’s a proper way to tell them that will lead to a better reaction. Perhaps you could consider having your fiance with you? Regardless, I would just let them know that you two have made the decision to go ahead and move in together. Make it a statement of fact that you are moving.
Life is too short to live somewhere you hate because you’re afraid to talk to your parents. Get it over with and get out of there. I moved in with my now husband at 19 for the same reason, and my relationship with my mom benefited so much from it.
Post # 3
This seems strange to me as I can’t imagine not living with someone before marriage. You’re an adult and it’s totally reasonable for you to decide where you want to live. What’s the outcome that you’re afraid of? You mentioned your relationship with your mom isn’t great to begin with, maybe not living under the same roof would make things less strained – it certainly did for me and my mother (I wouldn’t SAY that to her , just a thought lol). I would just tell them you’re doing it and be firm so there’s no room for debate.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
I really don’t think there is going to be any good way to break the news to them. Your going to do it anyway so just come out and say. You know how they are going to react so just be prepared for the worst. They might say they won’t come to the wedding so just be on guard for that if she is that kind of person. You are grown and it’s not the 1950’s. She doesn’t agree with anything you do so this isn’t a surprize. Just don’t back down and let her know that she has control over it. Stay firm and stand up strong to her or them I should say. This is where you start setting your boundries with her. Good luck bee.
Post # 5
how to tell them? you’re a fully-grown 27-year-old…this is easy:
“mom, dad, I’m moving in with my future husband”.
period. end of discussion.
are you afraid that they won’t pay for your wedding or remove some other type of financial assistance should you “disrespect them” and go against their patriarchal beliefs?
Post # 6
“Mom and dad, I’m moving in with my fiance I’m sorry you won’t be getting my rent money anymore.”
Post # 7
I come from a culture that is similar. I waited until we got married to move in with my DH who is of a different culture, but accepted my values. I got married when I was 33.
You’ve lived at home for 27 years. Personally, I would just stay there until I got married. No need to stir up drama or ill feelings the year of your wedding. I would sit down with my mom and explain to her that I love her and that this is going to be the last year we have living under one roof so lets make it amazing. I would also spend more time with her. She is OCCURRING to you (the way you described), that does not mean she is in fact that way.
Post # 8
to be contrary, wouldn’t you say that it’s time to put an end to martyring yourself just for the sake of tradition? why continue to subject yourself to negativity just because that’s when way it was done in years past? it is, after all, 2019…I would argue that it’s time to stop allowing people to call you unhappy and calling it “respect”, “tradition”, and “culture”.
Post # 9
My parents were like this as they’re very traditional. One day i got in a fight with my mum & grabbed my stuff to move in with my then boyfriend now husband. Ha my parents I think were just relived for me to move out. They never asked me home.
Post # 10
I agree with you. My situation was different, I get along with my parents.
I suggested OP not move out because I understand the drama and tension that can and most likely will occur if she moves out prior to marriage. Her wedding isn’t that far away. It would be unfortunate to have such friction at a time that should be celebrated in planning their wedding.
Post # 11
Getting married is a very adult decision. Part of being an adult is accepting that others will not always approve of your choices. Simply tell your parents what you’re going to do. Their reactions are theirs to deal with.
My father was VERY angry when I moved in with my husband before marriage. My father made a nasty remark which he apologized for after my husband proposed. My father’s reaction didn’t stop me from doing what I wanted and I wasn’t afraid to tell my parents because I don’t need their approval.
A friend of mine moved in with her fiance before marriage and her father talked to her fiance about whether or not he was going to marry my friend. I thought that was very intrusive. I would be wary of marrying someone whose parents butted into his relationship and controlled him like a child.
Post # 12
– I’d agree with the others:
“Mom and Dad, I’m moving on x date. This is my new address.”
Do you fear she/they will physically harm you in any way? If so, then I’d start moving things over to your FH’s place little by little and then, when you are as good as out, then tell them that you’re moving.
Post # 13
I’m more of an “ask forgiveness not permission” kinda girl, so I’d probably try to move as much as I could out early, and then when almost done tell them that I was moving out. Maybe take them out to dinner all 4 of you (public places are your friend in these cases!). Once youre sitting down let them know that you’re both going to be living together, you know its not the usual way but you hope they’ll be happy for you. Then jump into the menu and doesnt the tuna sound amazing?
Lolol at least thats what I would do. Moving out most of your stuff ahead of time also makes any sort of backlash less likely. They can’t hold anything hostage, or “kick you out”.
Post # 14
I agree. Some people find comfort in tradition but it can also be stifling.
My parents felt that only “loose women” lived alone before marriage.
I still moved out in my early 20s before I met my husband.
Post # 15
Bee, after reading your post I don’t think you owe your parents anything. It will be much healthier to just break it to them and leave. If you’re constantly fighting, living together isn’t helping the situation.
If I were you I would’ve moved out on my own sooner bc I don’t have the patience to listen to that crap. I commend you for dealing with that for so long!