Moving in with fiance – How to tell my parents!

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
9899 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Agree with the others, no easy way, just straight up tell them.

Not the point and not my business, but at your ages and incomes need the wedding be so far away? 

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espressopatronum :  

Post # 17
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

Have you ever considered just moving up the wedding date? Why wait another year? If your parents are traditional, they will not take living with your fiancee well. Deep down despite isssues, I am sure you really love your parents. This could create a rift that could take a long time to heal. Just tell your parents you want to start life with your new husband sooner. 

Post # 18
Member
455 posts
Helper bee

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Mary Ellen1 :  

If the OP keeps obeying her parents, she will spend the rest of their lives trying to please them even when she’s married and has a husband to consider. This might be the time to start living for herself. 

Post # 19
Member
2749 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

You just have to tell them that you’re moving out. They can complain, beg, plead, guilt trip. None of that matters because it is your decision. When I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) my family was very upset. The bottom line is it is not their life and it’s not up to them. 

Post # 20
Member
506 posts
Busy bee

I’m Indian, similar culture so I can relate/understand. I would second what you said. Wedding planning in traditional/ethnic/immigrant (if this applies) families is drama enough and you don’t want to add more drama to the fire. Unless it’s really bad, just consider if it would be worse or better if you moved out and how that would affect the wedding planning process, wedding itself, etc. I can say for a fact that at least in south Asian (Desi) culture, a wedding is as much or more about family then it is about the couple so you have to tread carefully.  

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caitlinbee :  

Post # 21
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Ugh! I can’t stand the controlling behavior of Asian parents or other types! It’s so old!

I spent my entire childhood knowing that one day I would get a good job, be independent, and never have to depend or need my parents again. I moved out at age 18. It was the best feeling of my life. My real happy life had officially begun. I know it kind of sounds sad, but I have only found true happiness as an adult independent of my parents.

Just tell your parents you are ready to move out. Make sure you have your fiance for support and help.  You can tell them you appreciate their love and support but it is time to move on as an engaged and married woman. I can’t imagine being around someone like your mom a minute longer. Good luck!

Post # 22
Member
506 posts
Busy bee

Can you move out but with a friend or a roommate instead of your fiancé at first (if you really care about what your parents will say)? I feel like it would be really good to learn how to live on your own away from them (even if you are financially independent and even if it’s only for six months or whatever, especially if you aren’t getting along) before you jump into living with a partner. 

Post # 23
Member
740 posts
Busy bee

I come from Similar culture, I moved in with my bf without telling my parents since we lived in different cities since I was in college. It was a stupid decision that caused many issues when they found out. I agree with PP, you have one year left, just continue the spend more time at your fiancés house without making any “official” announcements. 

Post # 24
Member
740 posts
Busy bee

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glutton :  I agree with this statement. For example I don’t have a relationship with my brother but I’m still expected to go to his wedding. I asked my mom if he would even be ok with me being there and she said what does the wedding have to do with him? Just don’t talk to him. 

Post # 25
Member
1884 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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happiekrappie :  100% this. Culture is no longer an excuse for unequal rights, bad behavior, or shitty treatment. NOPE. 

Post # 26
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I can relate to your post. My mom is also a narssisticst and UNTIL I moved out, I truly didn’t realize how controlling my parents were and how much of a backbone I didn’t have until I moved out. DH and I had already bought a house, but were renovating it and were trying to hold-off on officially living together until marriage out of respect for our religion as well. We actually moved in together 1 month before the wedding. 

I was 22 when I moved out. It was after a fight with my mom (at my parents house) where she got in my face and it was damn close to becoming physical. Ironically, she was upset because I gave her a date I would be moving out. This fight happened before we left for work. She ended up leaving after the fight, before me. So when she left, I packed up most of what I would need to get me through clothes-wise for the next few weeks, threw bags in my car and left for work and didn’t go back home. Went home to my in-laws house and stayed there until we moved into our home. I only went back a few weeks later with my fiance on the day I was originally supposed to move out to get the rest of my stuff and some furniture, etc. 

If you are “scared” of your mom for whatever reason, I would suggest just up and moving out and let her come home to find you gone. That’s just me.. doing it like that was the best option given my circumstance and I informed my now-husband every step of the way so he was informed and had my back as well. You are 27 years old, if I walked out at 22 you can definitely inform your parents you are moving out or just do it. 

Post # 27
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If I have a child who lives in my house until the age of 27 just because they aren’t married yet, they’ll be lucky if I don’t physically move them out myself. OP, at the very least move into your own place if need be. Granted, you’re a grown ass adult and you don’t need your parents permission, but if that would ease up their issues, it might be worth looking into.

I will say though, a lot of parents talk tough but if you call their bluff they back down. I’m referring to adults in adult situations whose parents use emotions to manipulate them into doing what they want. My parents didn’t want me to move to another city (less than 2 hours away) when I did at 24, but we still had a relationship that was essentially the same as before, despite them being upset. They didn’t want me to move in with my now DH at 25, but I didn’t want to not live with my future spouse before getting married. They got over it. I’m not saying all parents are the same, but when it comes to straight up disowning or refusing to talk to your own children because they made a decision you don’t like, a lot of them decide to keep their relationship.

Post # 28
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

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espressopatronum :  Hey Bee! I see you’re getting a lot of ” Just Do it!” advice. I understand that it’s not always realistic and much easier said than done! You know your parents best, but I think they would be traumatized if you just got up and left. That’s how my parents are. 

How I approached it was by easying into it. I started sleeping over one night a week, then two, then three, etc. It helped them get used to it and wasn’t such a shock to them when I was mostly moved in there full time. I would also start slowly moving in my things. Little by little. 

A few years later, my mom actually admitted it that it was easier the way I did it. That being said, she still cried the day I “officially” moved in – but she was just emotional rather than angry or sad. 

Post # 29
Member
506 posts
Busy bee

Not sure what ethnicity you are, but have you tried posting this on the sub-threads (there is East Asian, South Asian, Muslim, and many others). Or intercultural thread? Might give you some more culturally sensitive/relevant responses 🙂

Also, Love your idea  

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doodlesnflowers :  

Post # 30
Member
506 posts
Busy bee

And it’s so true that many parents talk tough but they come around eventually like you said 

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SoccerBee86 : My own dad said he would refuse to come to our wedding reception (which he paid for and hosted and so tough chance!) if I wore an “American” dress that he felt was very revealing and immodest. I shut up and complied but looking back I doubt he’d actually do that. 

Only thing is that may take time and do you really want that bad timing to come smack in the middle of your wedding planning / wedding date, that’s all. Again, wedding planning with family is hard enough as it is so be aware of how much more emotional stress you want to add to this process. 

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