Moving in with fiance – How to tell my parents!

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
8195 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Good luck bee! 

Moving out was the best thing I ever did for my relationship with my mom. We were NOT getting along at all and the space really helped us. I like what pp said about culture not being an excuse for shitty treatment. 

Post # 33
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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espressopatronum :  I absolutely relate to your struggle. Based on what you’ve said about their reactions when you stay anywhere but at home makes it seem like a control issue then a cultural/religious issue. I mean, it sounds pretty spot on to my own situation and my parents aren’t religious by any means which is why I determined it was a control issue. They didn’t want me out from under their eye, they were jealous of the life I was starting to create and more. 

The reason I walked out how I did was because in a twisted way I knew it would be worst if I gave them notice. I would’ve been guilt-tripped, they probably would’ve held some of my actual personal belongings and who knows what else.

Since they are on a trip, I’d recommend writing down what you will say to them and practice it. Use it as a script, anticipate their responses and already have your answers ready to say so you don’t find yourself cowering down to them. Take the time they are away to prepare your stuff so moving out is as clean of a break as possible. Move what you can now and then when they get back, start the convo like this: 

“Hey, hope you had a great trip. I did a lot of thinking while you were gone and decided that I will be moving out on X date. Fiance and I have already discussed that this is the best option for our future.” if you want to be nice, throw in an offer to help you move. 

 

Post # 34
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee

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espressopatronum :  Just casually mention you and fiancé are going to look for a place together soon. If mom argues, calmly  remind her how old you are, and it’s your decision, and not up for discussion. Repeat these words until she backs off. I imagine they’re expecting you to move in with him anyway, so maybe it won’t be as much of a shock to them as you think. Explain it will be easier to establish yourselves first, then plan the wedding. Moving in after marriage seems a bit strange to you because you would rather have the wedding be the last stressful event to plan for. Also, you can settle in, then figure out what household items you may want to add to your registry. 

Post # 35
Member
2206 posts
Buzzing bee

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espressopatronum :  I don’t for a second doubt that just doing it is easier said than done. Most things in life have this condition; however, you have to live your life for *you*, and if your parents love you, they’ll get over it. They may not be happy, but you’re an autonomous human being who has a life with which you are free to do what you please. 

Worst-case scenario, what do you think their reaction would be? Do you think they’d react in a way that would ruin your relationship for the foreseeable future?

Also, when will you stop allowing their customs to rule your life? Will it stop after marriage? After children? After you die? You’ve gotta draw a line in the sand somewhere and stick up for your own personal beliefs of what is and isn’t proper. 

Post # 36
Hostess
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Your mother seems very critical of you (your job, lack of make-up etc) so you may as well do as you please as she is going to be critical regardless. 

Post # 38
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2020

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espressopatronum :  Same here moved out at 24 to live with 30 bf at the time. Mom was not happy at all anf thought I was rushing things. We are now engaged and planning our wedding for next year. My mom sounds alot like yours very negative and will never change. Do what is best for you, we cant always please our parents, once I learned that I would never be enough for my mom I stopped trying so hard to please her. Our relationship is terrible, I visit (only 30 mins away) for maybe 1-2 hours every couple weeks max (only can tolerate her is small amounts). However, since moving out my mental health has imroved almost 1000 percent.

Post # 39
Member
7322 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

It seems very strange to a lot of us because it’s not what we’re used to, but I can totally respect that in other culters it’s very much the norm. At this point how much worse can youre relationship with your mother get? Just tell them and make the move. 

Post # 40
Hostess
4460 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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espressopatronum :  I lived on my own for years and was still nervous about how my (very conservative, traditional) parents would react to me moving in with my now husband before marriage.  Even as an adult, it’s uncomfortable when our parents react poorly and think we’re making bad decisions – I totally get that.  I just flat out told them that my lease was up and D.H. (S.O. at the time) and I had signed a lease in x area that we were really excited about.  I honestly expected them to have a LOT to say since they had judged my friends pretty bluntly when they moved in with S.O.s, but they accepted that it was our decision and I never had any issues with them about it. 

Just throw it out there.  You and your F.H. should do what is best for your relationship and what makes you happy.  It’s scary, but once you’ve ripped off the bandaid, you’ll be much happier.  Make it clear that the decision has already been made and your mind cannot be changed.  Good luck! 

Post # 41
Member
455 posts
Helper bee

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espressopatronum :  

My dad would be cold to me when I spent nights with boyfriends too. 

I just ignored my dad. We were not living in some little village in his home country during the 1960s. 

I completely understand how scary it is to stand up to traditional and controlling parents. You just need to get to a point where you’re fed up and done with their ridiculous edicts. It’s time to start thinking like a woman who is getting married instead of a little girl who needs her parents to like everything she does. If you don’t change the way you think, your marriage will suffer and that isn’t fair to you and your fiance. 

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