(Closed) Moving in with Fiancee – Parents will not approve

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Unfortunately, people can be set in their ways, and have a hard time seeing anything different. I don’t have much advice, but I suggest you do what YOU want to do, and not them. Move in together, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! I think its the best choice before marriage!

Post # 3
Member
4062 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
bridetobe07162016:  Honestly, if you’re old enough to make the decision to get married and move out, you should be able to have an adult conversation with your parents. You’re 26. You’re not a child. You don’t need their approval. Just tell them. You already said it yourself, they are going to disapprove. And that’s ok. Just tell them that while you appreciate their feedback, you are going to do what you feel is best for you and your Fiance. And leave it at that. 

Not trying to be harsh, but you have to stand up and have a backbone.

Post # 4
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

Your parents will respond one of two ways:

1) They will be very upset and it will permanently change your relationship with them. They will punish you in ways that will affect you long term, they will not get over it, and your relationship will never resume as normal.

2) They will be very upset and it will temporarily change your relationship with them. They will punish you in ways that will affect you short term, they will get over it, and your relationship will resume as normal.

My SO’s parents made a show of being scandalized that we were living together (it had been happening for a while and wasn’t any kind of secret), and were upset. His mom refused to visit and his dad fired him from the family business. But you know what? They got over it. We respectfully stuck to our guns, didn’t burn any bridges and followed the ‘show not tell’ rule to display that we were both responsible adults. Having their son in their lives became more important than righteous outrage, and we’re all on good terms again. I can’t say that your parents will respond like that, but you have to own up to your decisions as an adult and accept the fallout of those choices with grace. Someone else being upset about it is their problem, not yours.

Post # 5
Member
701 posts
Busy bee

There comes a point in your life where you have to stop living for others and live for yourself.  

I was in a situation similar to yours.  My mom is very old school and completely disapproved living with my fiance (he was just my boyfriend then, he hadn’t proposed yet) and wasn’t afraid to let me know.  You should have heard her the first time he spent the night at my apartment!  That was a fun phone call when she drove by and saw his car.  In the end it was my life and my decision- not hers.  I moved in with him and it was the best decision I ever made.  

They’ll get over it eventually.

Post # 6
Member
1383 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle

You are an adult and therefore are allowed to make decisions for yourself. If you want to live together, by all  means, you should. You just have to be okay with your parents potentially removing themselves from your life because of it. Maybe they’ll get over it, maybe they won’t, but at some point you have to live for you, not them. 

Post # 7
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Living together before marriage is a great idea because you really get to know each other and learn how to function together in the day to day. It can be difficult so transitioning before marriage is helpful. You are an adult and can make your own decisions. You need to just let them know what your plans are, but you don’t need to get their approval. 

Post # 8
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Your parents may not like it, but you’ll have to learn how to make decisions they disagree with and live your own life sooner or later… may as well start here! Hopefully their reaction will come as a pleasant surprise! I have many friends who thought their parents would be really upset about a decision, and found that instead of being mad, their parents conceded that they’re adults and can make their own choices, whether or not they agree with them. 

Post # 9
Member
3441 posts
Sugar bee

People will tell you “you are an adult, you should do want you want,” etc.  That is true, but it won’t change you parents’ opinion.  Perhaps a trusted family member could speak with them and say something along the lines of “This is what is happening, we need to support them, going forward only positive things will be said” type of deal.  Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
3900 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I would never marry someone I didn’t try living with. And if you are okay with living together then you should live together. There comes a time when everyone has to start living for themselves and not their parents. I moved out of mom’s and in with bf (now FI) right aftet my 27th! Bday. I was done being a kid and i did what i want. Life is too short. Enjoy it!

Post # 11
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

I think it is an excellent idea to live together before marriage. It lets you adjust and work out all of the fiddly details (when do the dishes get done? which way to roll the toilet paper?) without the upheaval of also just being married. Regarding how to tell your parents do you still live with them? 

 

If not I would tell them about your decision in a quiet but public place so they can’t rage at you too much without causing a scene, and so you can easily walk away if they do. If you still live with them then I would wait until I was 3/4 moved before breaking the news so that you could make a quick exit before they could get going on the excoriation. For what it’s worth I don’t grasp their perspective at all — they may well disapprove of people living together before marriage, but you are 26 not 18. There comes a point where they have to respect that you are an independent adult and no longer a child who must obey their dictates. 

 

Whichever route you choose I would have some neutral party there (a close friend or family member, not your FI) and break it to them in a calm, relaxed manner. The other person wouldn’t have to be involved at all, just provide a tranquilizing presence so you can say something like “With all due respect for your beliefs Fiance and I have made a decision which we believe is right for us, but which we know you will disagree with…” and tell them. Then I would refuse to let them throw me off balance, and carry out any further conversation from a very centered perspective, letting them know I respect their opinion but will not change my own. You can practice saying things like “I understand and appreciate that you feel this way, but the decision has already been made.” If you listen to them, but then politely disengage before they can get too worked up — keep the meeting short and have a planned exit  — you can minimize their initial reaction as much as possible.  Make it clear that what happens after that is up to them.  They can treat you with respect and be loving parents (even if they don’t support your decision they can still be there for you in other aspects of your life), or you can take a break from each other as necessary.  

Post # 12
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I think that you should do what you feel is the best decision, but I don’t think that you should do it in a disrespectful way to your parents. I think you should sit down with them and explain to them why you and your fiancé decided to move together and listen to their concerns and have that discussion with them so that maybe you can put some of their concerns to rest. everyone on here is telling you to do what you want to do but I don’t think you should have that attitude with your parents, they raised you, they are the reason why you are the person you are today, and you should respect them. They may be really hurt, they maybe angry, they may cry, they may yell, I think that you should listen to it and remain calm because this is a very difficult time for them, that you were going against the way they raised you, and on top of that, you’re getting married now, and it’s hard for parents to see their little girl turn into a woman. 

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