Post # 1
I was wondering if any Bees have had experience with moving in with your or your FI’s parents having having a baby.
I was 11 when my parents divorced and my mom and I moved 500 miles away from my dad. They both remarried and I spent 3 months every summer with my dad and stepmom, as well as holidays. I have two adopted brothers (ages 11 and 3).
When I found out I was pregnant last week, my stepmother (who has been essentially like my mother, especially after my mother died) told me that she and my dad and talked and were offering to let Fiance and I move in with them. Their house isn’t very large, but they figured they could either clean up the basement and make a room for us or maybe build a garage and put a small apartment on the top of it.
I really appreciate the offer and, to be honest, it would really help. We’re barely making ends meet and my Fiance can’t find work in our area. My parents wouldn’t charge us rent and we could stay there and Fiance, or the both of us, could get a job and get a savings going. Then, once we have some savings built up and stability, we could look for a cheap apartment in the area if we’d like to.
FI’s on board with it and, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I still have some reservations, though. I would moving away from all of my friends, FI’s family, etc. And while it’s only suppose to be a temporary move (after we get enough savings build up we may be able to move back here) and would be the best thing….I guess I just don’t like change.
Anyway, I was just hoping I could hear stories maybe of people who’ve been through this? And how it worked out – things I should be weighing, etc? 😛
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2013 - The bride's hometown United Methodist Church near Kalamazoo
I’m going to be in a short-term situation like this right after we get married: Batman and I will be starting graduate school in September in a different state but I will have an (unpaid!) internship the summer before back in our home area, so it makes sense for us to live with my parents in a room they have converted to a mini-apartment. It just makes logistical sense, and both my fiance and I get along very well with my parents.
I definitely think the situation is doable as long as you have a good relationship with your stepmom and father and boundaries are established early on so no one becomes resentful of anyone else: everything about the arrangement should be discussed before you move in so you’re on the same page. Will you be expected to go to meals all the time? Help with chores? Cooking? Cleaning? How much independence will they give you; will they treat you like adults living with them (like they are) or like children? What about childcare? How long do you expect to stay? Not that I think any of these things will be problems, but I do think they’re good things to establish in advance.
Post # 4
I’m not in a similar situation, but best of luck. I guess some things to consider would be: Do you think they will be invasive? Tell you how to raise your child/have a marriage? How well do you get along with them? How well does your FI? Where will the baby sleep once it comes? Can your Fiance get a decent job in the area? What will you be doing?
I think it’s good to have a plan and stick to it. You don’t want to be living there longer than you can just because it’s comfortable or you don’t want to have to go through more change again. So as long as it really ends up being temporary, it could really be good for you and your family. Think about it since there is no need to rush the decision now.
Post # 5
Good luck with your situation! 🙂 And thanks – those are all excellent questions we need to ask. I have a good relationship with them and so does Fiance. The longest we’ve stayed with them as a couple has been a week. So I guess I’m just nervous about making a decision I’ll end up regreting.
Thanks! Also excellent things to consider. And you’re right – I don’t need to decide anything tonight. And I think that’s what I need to remind myself. I keep finding myself freaking out about decisions that don’t need to be decided on before the end of the day. I need to take it slow and weigh all my options as so I make the best one. Thanks for the reminder 😀
Post # 6
I wish you the best, no matter what you choose! <3
Like someone else mentioned, I think it really depends on the dynamics of your relationship. I know I personally couldn’t move in with either set of parents just because it would drive me nuts having someone there telling me what I should be doing all the time.
But when I have kids I think I would LOVE if my mom were able to come stay with me for the first couple of weeks to help me out.
Post # 7
@rachelmichelle: I know I personally couldn’t move in with either set of parents just because it would drive me nuts having someone there telling me what I should be doing all the time.
This is my biggest concern. 😛 I mean, we all get along well, but I know I can be defensive and stubborn about things. And I have no idea at this point how I’ll feel with a baby. I think if we were able to live above a garage or an addition, it would feel better than in the basement. Simply for the privacy aspect. But I kno my stepmom would be a huge help and it may be worth the potential aggravation financially. Lots to consider 😛
Post # 8
LOL yeah, gosh… I’m almost afraid of my Future Hormonal Self after giving birth.
If it’s anything like when I was briefly on the pill, I fear for my poor Fiance lol.
Post # 9
As long as they acknowledge that you’re an adult, and aren’t the type to lord over you with, “This is OUR house,” it could probably work. I would say that you should probably sit down, and establish a set of rules that everyone lives by, that way everyone knows where they stand, from the beginning.
Honestly, this is the type of family tradition I’d like to see return to practice… family helping and supporting each other. Not just the parents helping/supporting their children, but also children helping/supporting their parents, later. Extended, interacting, families used to be so much more common. It’s sad that we’re so isolated, anymore… abuse cases aside.
Post # 10
@Chaoslight: Honestly, this is the type of family tradition I’d like to see return to practice… family helping and supporting each other. Not just the parents helping/supporting their children, but also children helping/supporting their parents, later. Extended, interacting, families used to be so much more common. It’s sad that we’re so isolated, anymore… abuse cases aside.
Yes, yes, yes! 🙂
Post # 11
DH and I were in a similar situation when our DD was born. We moved in with my parents for financial reasons and I will never live with them again. I’m glad they gave us the opportunity because i don’t see any way we would have gotten by had we not lived in their home but I constantly clashed heads with my dad. DH got a teaching job 4hrs away about 3 1/2mo later so as soon as we were able we packed up and moved. There was a lot of tension and we didn’t feel comfortable. Things are lots better since we moved away.
Post # 12
Don’t feel you have to answer if you don’t want, but was the clashing of heads with your dad something that happened in the past or did it stem from something related to your daughter?
Post # 13
@DrTeeth: We plan on having my mother live with us once we go back to the states- about a year before we start trying for a baby. But my dad died when I was 9, and it was just me and my mom after that… she’s my best friend and an amazing person. We’re both fairly independent and don’t get in each others’ way, and we get along really well when we do things together. We have similar temperments, as does Fiance. We’re all really looking forward to living together… out of desire, not necessity.
So, I def think it can work for some families. It’s VERY common here in Latin America for multiple generations to live together… for financial and cultural reasons. You have to consider personalities, personal habits, schedules, etc. And you have to be willing to find a way to leave, amicably, if you feel it not working out.
Post # 14
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
Honestly, if I were in your situation, I would do it. I’d also be pretty honest about setting some groundrules about the situation to clearly establish that you respect their home, but you are also adults. It will be amazing, I think, though also stressful, to have family so close and to have help there when you need it. You could take this opportunity to really set yourselves up well for when you move out and are on your own with the baby.
Post # 15
My Fiance and I live with my Mum and her SO, FI’s two kids are with us every second weekend also (if ever we have to go out we have bulit in babysitters lol, we do trade chores for babysitting which keeps it fair and everyone happy). Our situation it is a little different though because we all rented our house together to help everyone out financially. Our house is big enough that the only rooms we share are the kitchen and laundry, to make it easier to use these ‘common rooms’ we have a bit of a roster for cooking and cleaning. This arrangement works well for us and I think as long as you can all sit down and discuss the logistics of the proposed arangment you shouldn’t have any problems. Good Luck!
Post # 16
@bulbasaur- It wasn’t anything related to my daughter at all they’re head over heels in love with her. The best way I can explain is my dad is a little OCD about cleanliness. We kept our room as clean as possible but with DH, DD and I and all our things including a crib we were so cramped. There was also an incidence where he went into our room and took the q-tips we had bought because he thought I took them from his restroom. Q-tips are no big deal but he didn’t ask and then I couldn’t find them so when I asked my mom she told me and I went off. There were also other incidences where we would get blamed for things my siblings did they’re 15 and 13 mind you. I would get yelled at for stupid shit. My dads a difficult man to say the least.