Moving in with the boyfriend – is this normal?

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5583 posts
Bee Keeper

I think moving out of your families home for the first time is a transition for everyone no matter what age you choose to do so.  I was 22 when I moved out on my own and I moved 2 hours way from home into a small apartment with no other roommates. I barely had a thing to my name and I remember feeling pretty sad at times until I got more situated.  At first I would travel home once a week to see family.  Eventually I adjusted, became familiar with my new home, created friends and routine and I visited home less and less.

Its okay to feel sad.  You are moving on from an era but home is still there, your parents are still there.  You can still visit.  Be kind to yourself as you make this transition and try not to focus on what you are leaving behind but focus on what you are gaining and the excitement of the progression you are making in your adult life and with your SO.

ETA: In those early days of being on my own I went home to visit our family cat more than my family. I missed her so!

Post # 3
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

This is totally normal. I lived at home until I was 22 and then moved clear across the country with no family. I cried the entire day I moved and the whole first week I lived in my apartment. It got easier with time. At first, I called home every single day, but eventually I realized that wasn’t helping, so I went to every other day and so on. 

2 years later, I moved up the coast to be with my now fiance, and it was the exact same way. It was a bumpy transition. It’s messy and scary and completely normal to be sad. Just know that it does get easier and your family will always be there for you, whether you drive to see them or just FaceTime πŸ™‚ 

Post # 4
Member
1555 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

My husband and I never lived together before marriage. I lived in my parents house and he lived with his parents. We bought our nrand new house before we got married and we moved in when we got back from our honeymoon 

Post # 5
Member
907 posts
Busy bee

I think the older you get, the more difficult it is to move out from partners. I moved at 18 when I went to uni. then moved back after graduation when I was in between jobs. Once I got a job so got my own place again. I feel like that move was more difficult Even though I had already lived alone for 4 years. I also think it is more difficult for youngest kids. Older kids don’t have to worry about parents that much since there is the younger ones staying. Youngest will be the one actually causing the empty nest.

what you are feeling is normal, but try to think more about the things you gain than the things you will be leaving behind. 

Post # 6
Member
794 posts
Busy bee

wingingit89 :  It’s normal πŸ™‚ I still daydream about living at my childhood home and spend a few weeks there during the summer. But it’s only an hour away! That’s not bad at all. You can go “home” for dinner if you want to! Or visit on the weekends and “ween” yourself off. I would be transparent with your boyfriend so that he can be as supportive as possible and encourage you to visit if you want. 

Post # 7
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2023

I was ready to go before 18. By 19 I was married the first time and active duty military. My sisters on the other hand (twins) are 30 and both still at home. They went to a community college and one finally got her first real job last year. Neither have ever really had a boyfriend and I don’t see them ever leaving my parents. Not something I could do at all. I need my independence way too much. 

Post # 8
Member
787 posts
Busy bee

Well, it may be normal to feel strange or upset about moving to a new place for the first time, but I wouldn’t say that it’s normal to be more upset about leaving one’s parents (at such a late age) than excited to move in with one’s SO. At some point, it’s not at all normal to wish that we’re with our parents than to wish that we’re creating our own lives and families with romantic partners. That you’ve been crying through all this doesn’t suggest that your happiness about being with your boyfriend has in any way overcome your sadness at leaving your parents. At 28 years old, I would not say that this is normal, barring a few exceptions.

What is your cultural and religious background?  

Post # 9
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

In some places, generations of families all live together under one roof! Longer lifespans with this sort of culture, as the old people get a lot of respect instead of lonely.

I think it’s really great, and sweet, that you still enjoy living with your parents. I feel heartless reading your feelings because when I moved out during college, I didn’t miss home at all. Didn’t miss my friends, dog, nothing. It’s so interesting how people are so different, and there’s no ‘normal’! If this is what you feel, then it’s your ‘normal’, don’t worry about it too much.

Your boyfriend sounds very understanding of your situation, so feel free to take it at your own pace! An hour away isn’t far at all… πŸ™‚

Post # 10
Member
3138 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

It will take some adjustment but think about all of the exciting new experiences you’re about to have rather than what you’re leaving behind. I moved out when I got married at 26, and as an only child it was definitely hard. My parents and I are very close. However, I was so excited to finally be living with my husband that it kept the sad feelings at bay. I call my parents every day and see them most weekends. Occasionally, when my husband travels for work, I’ll stay the weekend with them. It’s nice, but you learn to develop your own daily routines and whatnot, so it’s sometimes aggravating going back home for a few days at a time, no matter how much I love my parents because they have a tendency to want things to go back exactly like they were when I lived there. 

Post # 11
Member
7289 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

This may be common, but I don’t think it’s healthy, so I don’t think I can call it “normal.”  It’s totally normal to have some anxiety when going through one of life’s many transitions (graduation, new job, new house, marriage etc) but you should be eager to take on a new challenge and grow, not terrified. Especially when it’s a pretty common challenge that almost all young adults go through. Allow yourself a little melancholy and nostalgia but don’t indulge in the fear or melodrama. And start planning now how you will cope when you are inevitably homesick; a visit to your parents now and then is great, but if you visit every time you feel homesick, you will eventually strain your relationship with your parents and with your boyfriend.

 

I’ve shared my concern a bit with my boyfriend, and he’s very supportive and said I can come home whenever I want to when I’m feeling homesick. <— your new apartment is  now “home” and the house you are leaving is “your parents’ house.”  Starting to call your new place “home” will help remind you that you are moving your life forward, and that it’s a permanent decision, rather than moving into a dorm or some other temporary setup where you are really anchored somewhere else. It may sound pedantic but referring to your place (and only your place) as “home” is very powerful.

Post # 12
Member
2432 posts
Buzzing bee

In terms of societal influences, there is more pressure to move out/live in than not to, BUT, in terms of ultimate results of doing either, the results on future relationships are pretty much the same, ie a lot of marriages are successful and a lot aren’t whether couples have lived together or not. 

My point is that if you think you should move out OR you think the best thing for you is to stay put for a while longer, NEITHER SET OF FEELINGS IS WRONG.

I think what might be concerning could be if, by staying in the family home, you began to feel that you’d only be able to marry your Boyfriend or Best Friend if HE consented to live under the family roof. 

Otherwise, don’t put a whole set of shoulds or shouldn’ts on yourself or your Boyfriend or Best Friend. He sounds like a good natured laid back guy. Discuss it some more with him, do some soul searching on your own, don’t feel so pressured to act just yet if you don’t really feel ready. Ultimately the idea of having an environment of your very own for just you and Boyfriend or Best Friend will appeal enough that you’ll find you don’t have to force yourself to decide. You’ll just know.

Post # 13
Member
77 posts
Worker bee

DeniseSecunda :  While it may not be common or typical to live with parents until late 20s in US culture, it is definitely normal and okay to have feelings about the transition. It is possible to be sad about leaving the only home one has ever known AND be excited about starting a new life with a partner. It’s important to acknowlege that the new place is unknown, and things that are unknown tend to scare us, it’s how we’re wired. We are drawn to the easy, the familiar, the comfortable because it makes our brains work less hard. That’s why you see so many people staying in abusive relationships – the bad known is better than the unknown. 

Anyway, OP–moving, or moving out, is hard at any age! I moved out at 18 for school but then moved back for a bit at 21 because I missed it so much. I wasn’t ready at 18 even though that is the cultural norm. When I moved back I only stayed for 6 months, but it was long enough for me to grow up a bit and get ready to move out on my own for good. Now, I haven’t lived with my parents in almost 15 years and I couldn’t imagine living with them again and having them know my every move haha! I think you’ll like independent life a lot, but it’s okay to feel all the feelings about leaving right now. While you are gainng a lot you are also losing something, and it’s okay to grieve that. Be kind to yourself during the adjustment, and be prepared for it to take a few months. Things will eventually settle into place, I promise. πŸ™‚

Post # 14
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: A vineyard

I was 28 when I got married and I did this too. In my father’s culture and family, children, but especially female children will often stay with the parents until they marry. So when my mom passed away and both my brothers became disabled it became a no brainer for me to stay at home to help until I got married even if it looked very wierd to everyone else.

I felt alot of the same things you do when I left. I miss my kitties at home terribly and still consider all of them to be mine, even if I have a new one with my husband. If I miss anybody the most it’s my dad and it sucks because I know he’s been struggling a little since I left last summer but there’s not alot I can do from here except call weekly and make sure he’s doing okay and give him any reminders that he needs. So I definitely suggest calling your parents at least once a week, especially at first. πŸ™‚ it may help the homesickness.

I definitely agree with the be kind to yourself advice of prior posters. It will get better for sure once you’ve adjusted to not being with your family all the time. If you can maybe loosely start planning for a trip home sometime after the first year togerher that might help too. My dad and aunt came to visit us for a weekend about 6 months after we married and it was nice to see him even if it was just a bit. We will probably go to him at some point next year. We owe husband’s family a visit first and that’s fine with me. 

It takes some time to get adjusted to not living at home, so just try and be patient! Happy to talk if you ever need to!

Post # 15
Member
4974 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

wingingit89 :   Big hugs to you!  You are making a huge life change, and I can’t imagine how hard it must be to leave your beloved dog.   It is wonderful that your partner is supportive.  Lean on him, and make trips home when you need to, but also make special moments with your partner in your new home.  You’ll adjust.  Be kind to yourself, this is a big step!  Wishing you all the best.  

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