Moving in with the boyfriend – is this normal?

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

thefuturedrat :  “While it may not be common or typical to live with parents until late 20s in US culture, it is definitely normal and okay to have feelings about the transition. It is possible to be sad about leaving the only home one has ever known AND be excited about starting a new life with a partner.”

I already spoke to these points, acknowledging that “it may be normal to feel strange or upset” when moving to a new place. 

As to your point about the ability to feel both sad and excited simultaneously, sure, I agree. But OP’s post very specifically doesn’t–in any way–suggest excitement, so I’d argue that your comment in reference to OP’s situation is misplaced. Had she framed her feelings as sad to leave her parents but also excited about becoming closer to her boyfriend and building a new life with him, I would’ve just agreed with everyone else and said that’s normal (because it IS). But if you read her post, there is little other than despair in it and nothing of excitement or hope. 

No, that’s not normal. In fact, it sounds problematic and unhealthy, but I’m not going to have a further discussion about that point. 

Post # 17
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee

I promise you the sadness won’t last, and you’ll never look back once you’re settled in. I mean you will look back with fond memories but not sadness. You have an incredible, exciting adventure ahead with the guy you love, who you will grow so much closer to. Enjoy those first few months ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 18
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

DeniseSecunda :  I don’t think it’s useful to tell someone that their feelings (or lack thereof) are problematic or unhealthy. If it is indeed accurate that she is questioning whether moving in with her partner is the right decision, then she could reconsider that decision. However, it’s not unhealthy or abnormal to have those feelings. 

Post # 21
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I think that’s completely normal and nothing wrong with feeling that way. Of course you’d be emotional and nervous. Also try to remind yourself that it’s normal and okay to feel that way. It’s a transition. We can also be excited, afraid, sad, nervous all at once. Like starting high school or a new job. Give yourself permission to know it’s okay and that I’m sure after you get there and the nerves wear off you’ll see more positive things and find it’s going to be okay 

 

Post # 22
Member
417 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

wingingit89 :  

Hi bee! Let me tell you, I feel you!  I lived with my parents until I was 32 years old! I moved in with my Darling Husband right before we got married (which was 9 months ago) and the transition was SO hard.  I still miss my home and my bed and my dog! Luckily, Darling Husband is patient and we visit them 3-4 times a week (we only live 10 minutes away) and that helps the transition.

You can always call home, text and they can send you pics of your doggo. Go home and visit when you can, and it makes the transition easier.  Life change is always a challenge! Focus on all the exciting parts to help you get through it.  Hugs xoxo

 

Post # 23
Member
8 posts
Newbee

wingingit89 :  I am not sure how common your feelings are but I think they are completely normal. It is a big transition and needs some time.

How are you getting on?

Post # 24
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

This is completely normal. You have spent such a long time with them, of course it’s going to hurt! That doesn’t mean you love your boyfriend any less or that you are not ready for the move. I felt the same way when I moved to the US to be with my husband. It hurt so bad while packing, the days prior to it and the days after the move (even the weeks). I slowly got into the swing of things but whenever we would be on breaks and our friends would go back home (a lot of them were international too), my first desire was to visit my parents as well. For a while, every time that happened, I questioned my decision to move here. Then, over time, this country became my own and it became natural to live here and not have my parents around. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss them, but I have gotten used to living with my spouse and not relying on them as much as before. I have replaced our time together with Facetime sessions every weekend and trips home whenever I can. In some way, I feel like I am even closer to them now, since I make the effort to call them every weekend and share so much with them. You are still going to be in the same country, so it will be easier. But I completely understand your feelings and it is completely normal ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 25
Member
1191 posts
Bumble bee

wingingit89 :  While I cannot relate to your feelings, my advice would be to give yourself a break.

It is normal to have these fears of the unknown.  You said yourself that home was a safe place.  You know your parents inside and out.  You’ve never lived with your boyfriend, and there can definitely be a transition in that.

I moved out for college when I was 18, then when I was 20 I got accepted into physical therapy school and moved again.  After that I moved in with my then boyfriend, so I had not lived in my parents house since 18 (I’m now 30).  It was scary and exciting at the same time.  When I found myself longing for home at the beginning, I called my mom to talk.  She assured me the feelings were normal and sometimes “growing up” can be scary.  She sent me my favorite throw blanket in the mail, and while that may sound strange, having a familiar piece really helped.  Now I can’t imagine living with my parents, LOL.

While you say you’re excited about moving in with your boyfriend, the tone of your post does not come across that way.  You do sound really sad about moving out, and I don’t think working from your parents’ house did yourself any favors; in fact it probably is making this transition a lot scarier or sadder. Your boyfriend is understanding and supportive, but there’s going to come a point where he may get tired of the sadness.  Make sure to focus on your relationship as that will help “distract” yourself from your sadness.  I like Horseradish’s idea of making sure you call your new place “home” and refer to your parents’ home as just that. De-personalizing their space will also make things easier.

Good luck.

Post # 25
Member
1198 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I totally get this! I got married at 27, and moved in with Darling Husband a month before the wedding. I did live in a dorm during the school week throughout college, but then I lived at home again as a college grad and started saving for a house. People always gave me crap for living at home in my late 20s, but I wanted to avoid “wasting” (in my opinion) money on rent, and instead get a home. The rent at my parent’s house was much more affordable than standard rent, and I saved money on things like the phone bill, because I just paid my portion of the family plan. After a few months of dating Darling Husband, he told me not to buy a house, because he was planning on marrying me and he already owned a home.

What’s funny is that even Darling Husband was shocked that I lived at home so long, as he moved out for college and never went back home. He’s of the mindset that everyone should live outside of home after the age of 18. Of course, I always remind him that I wouldn’t have been able to go into our marriage with the amount of savings I had if I hadn’t lived at home.

Anyway, it was difficult for me, as I’ve always been very close to my mom, and it was difficult for my mom. But, it’s been fantastic. I now live 30 minutes away from my family and am sure to see them once a week.

Don’t worry. As someone who was also in a LDR with my husband before marriage, I can confidently say that your feelings will pass and spending that time with your SO will be amazing!

Post # 26
Member
835 posts
Busy bee

Aww bee! This is completely normal. I cried like a baby when my parents dropped me off at my college dorm which was only 40 min away from their house lol. I cried again when they sold my childhood home. I cried when I moved in my Boyfriend or Best Friend (now DH) 1.5 hours away. And I am going to completely lose my shit when they move to Florida later this year (which is a 3 hr plane ride away!) since they are both retired now. It will be an adjustment, but hopefully your Boyfriend or Best Friend will become your primary family. And you can always visit. When I first moved in with my Boyfriend or Best Friend I would come home for at least 1 weekend a month. Good luck bee!

Post # 28
Member
20 posts
Newbee

wingingit89 :  Hi there! congrats on the move! I’m currently 26 years old, and my bf and I are moving in together after our engagement, which will happen this year. Like you, i’ve also never left home, or my parents. It’s a scary feeling to leap into the unknown, but you’ve been with your boyfriend for 3.5 years, which is amazing! I have been with my boyfriend for that long too! You will be fine, i’m sure you will get to see your parents every now and then! It does not mean that you will just leave them and never look back ๐Ÿ™‚ This is normal! You are feeling super sad to leave them. You must have an amazing relationship with them! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 29
Member
9648 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

It’s normal! I felt some sadness when I moved out with Fiance (we each lived with our parents prior to moving out) and, likr you, it was the house I lived in since I was born. We were both 27 when we moved two and a bit months ago.

Mainly though I was chomping at the bit to move out. Moving out meant we could move forward with other things, like planning the wedding!

We have a family dog too although she is more my baby than anyone else’s. We had an older dog too who passed in December and if she was still around I would have left them both with my parents. Since it was just the younger (she will be 11 next week!) one, I took her with me. I can’t imagine how hard it would be leaving her behind. I am sorry, I hope you can visit a lot!

Post # 30
Member
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

wingingit89 :  I would just like to tell you it is completely normal to cry or have feelings of anxiety. When I moved out for the first time when I was I think 23 into a townhome with my then boyfriend (now ex), I was so excited….yet freaking out inside. We worked opposite shifts (him evenings and me nights) so we weren’t home at the same time. I would get home, sleep and then wake up in the afternoon, when most times he was already at work. He would get home and I would either be at work or asleep, and on my nights off we would get some time together in the morning before he would leave for work. Anyways, because I had every evening shift alone (other than Saturday and Sunday), I felt it….so so much. I was used to having my time alone during the day when I lived at my parent’s and then when they got home from work there was always someone there….either my parents or siblings. I felt alone and cried a lot in the evening at first for probably a few weeks. I would call home just to talk to someone every couple of days. I second guessed my decision. I felt like a weak person in general. BUT THEN I started to LOVE that time alone so I could “recharge my batteries” and do things for myself, and then dedicate our time together to just being together and having fun. 

Be kind to yourself. Spend time with your boyfriend and make new traditions in your new home. And remember, home doesn’t always mean with your parents. Eventually, home will become wherever you’re with your SO and family. Things WILL get better. 

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