moving into partner & ex wife house

posted 1 year ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
914 posts
Busy bee

I know I personally could not do it. I agree with your friend. Instead of creating a new life you are just filling in a spot in the life he already created with someone else. But at the same time its silly yo let this house sit empty and pay rent if it isn’t selling. I see both ways. I just know I don’t have the emotional maturity to move into his ex-wifes house. 

Post # 3
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

It’s just a house. I don’t have emotional connections to things, so I never get why this makes people feel a certain type of way. How about you decorate it and make it your own? Or since it didn’t sell, fix it up and put it on the market, down the road? 

Post # 4
Member
6414 posts
Bee Keeper

I couldn’t. The fact that the house didn’t sell means he and ex wife own it jointly.  What if she wants the property to be sold down the line?  Or he then has to buy her out to keep it?  Personally I couldn’t do it.  4 years of memories are in that house.  Think of this, they could have sex in every single room in that house.

Post # 5
Member
2257 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

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beeeyonce :  I definitely could as long as she had no further rights to the house. Repaint. Take up the carpets. Make your own memories.

Post # 6
Member
3317 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

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beeeyonce :  my Future Sister-In-Law did basically just this with my brother. He owned a house with his ex (not married) and was unable to sell it. He rented it out for a while and then moved in by himself for a while. After he met his now fiance he tried to sell it again after moving into her place but was unable to. Her place was easier to sell in the current market so they sold hers and moved into his (after he bought the ex out). 

Myself, I’d have a hard time with it but I think I’d get over it once we were moved in and I made the place my own. But I can 100% see how it would bother a lot of people. My Future Sister-In-Law on the other hand is one of the chillest people I’ve ever met and nothing really fazes her haha 

Post # 7
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

It would bug me too much. Even if I redecorated, there would just be something about it. I’d want a fresh start. If you can’t sell it, can you rent it out? 

Post # 8
Member
1654 posts
Bumble bee

Perhaps if you paint and clean it and make it your own. I know I would have difficulty if I moved into someone’s home and their furniture, their imprint so to speak.

But really, it is just a dwellling, the home is what you put into it.

Your friend is being an insensitive jerk.

Honestly when we bought our last home my ex and I, it was a fire sale, the family was in financial and medical and emotional distress. The aura of the home bothered me, the purchase was hairy and I needed to spiritually cleanse it. I smudged the entire house, rock salted all the corners and thresholds, left all the windows open and rang bells.

 

I know it sounds bizzarre, but it put my mind at ease. Even the smell of the home, prior to my methods, bothered me emotionally it was like it carried their stress.

Post # 9
Member
2707 posts
Sugar bee

It might be tough at first, but I mean, it’s a HOUSE. You can’t toss a house out because it has ex-wife cooties.

I would just bring in your own furniture, repaint and recarpet and then the ‘tainted’ feeling will wear off with time as it starts to feel more like yours. They didn’t even buy the house together and he lived there several years without her so it’s really not much of a stretch to think of it as HIS. It’s not like it’s the ‘dream house’ they built together from the ground up or anything. 

Post # 10
Member
1307 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

my FH now lives in the house I owned with my ex husband. I let him change whatever he wanted to make it feel more like his but otherwise, weʻre living happily in it

Post # 11
Member
730 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

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beeeyonce :  I don’t think it is a big deal. Every house you purchase belonged to someone else, their family and their story. Would you not move into a purchased home because you found out the couple had a nasty divorce?

While I understand it will be initially difficult to look around and not see their prior lives, simply take the time to make the house your home. That is the big difference here. It was their home. It is now a house and will become your home.

Add a fresh coat of paint to the walls with your partner. Revamp the kitchen by adding new handles or painting the cabinets. Get a few new furnature items. Add a big ass beautiful photo of you and your partner above the bed. Make it your own! By the time you are done you will not only have a home that is yours, but all the memories to go with it! By then I’m sure you’ll be saying “exwife who?”

Post # 12
Member
1616 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

Wouldn’t be my first choice but in this case make sure he owns and controls it and that any marital rights she had in the house are legally and properly dissolved. 

Then remodel it.  Change things around, redecorate it and if you’re not happy in a year or two sell it and get a new place. 

Post # 13
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

I did this with my ex fiance. He was very similar to yours – his ex wife and him were both on the mortgage, tried to sell, it wouldn’t and refinanced to get her off the mortgage and he took it over. We were dating about a year when he had to move in and take it over (she was going to let the bank foreclose on it like an idiot).

I totally get your feelings of it being their house. But it’s just a house. You and your partner will make it a HOME. We re-painted and changed out the blinds and got new carpets. We put our own touches on it and made it our home. Once the changes were made, I thought much less of this was their house to this was our home.

 

Post # 14
Member
406 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
beeeyonce :  when I first moved in with my DH, I moved into his house, which he previously lived in with an ex girlfriend. So this may not be exactly the same since her name wasn’t on it and she didn’t have any ties to the property, but I was worried about it at first. But honestly, it really wasn’t that big of a deal. If it bothers you, just do some stuff to make it more your own, like paint it or change the carpets/flooring. Besides, just because it didn’t sell now doesn’t mean it won’t in the future, so you can always sell it down the road and then look to move into a different house together. I would just have your boyfriend make sure that the ex will no longer have any legal ties to the house, just so that there are no problems down the road. 

ETA: This might sound like some woo woo hippie stuff, so if you’re not into this, totally disregard it lol. But I’ve heard that burning sage in a new place can get rid of all of the negative energy that was previously there. I was looking into it at one point when we moved into a new house and then totally forgot about it. If you don’t want to actually burn any, they sell a spray on Amazon that’s supposed to do the same thing. Just make sure you keep the windows open when you burn or spray. I know it sounds strange but it might help if you give it a try. 

Post # 15
Member
1344 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Well, your friend is a jerk. I moved into the house my FH bought with his ex-wife. Was it weird at first? Hell yeah. But over the last year, he’s let me change and update pretty much anything I’ve wanted. He’s never made me feel anything but at home in our house. New paint, new floors, new furniture, new decorations, pictures of us. All of her stuff was gone when I moved in, she was no longer on the mortgage or deed, so it really wasn’t her house any more. It’s just a house, move in with him and make it a home for both of you.

My only word of caution is that if she’s high conflict at all, set boundaries now. My FH’s ex broke into our house a couple times and trespassed on the property more than a couple in the beginning (yay for cameras).

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