Post # 1
Hello bees! I had an account when I was engaged and the ladies here were always so helpful with the wedding planning.. But I’m hoping to get a bit of different advice today. Two months ago I ended my 6 year relationship with my high school sweetheart. We were breifly engaged last year, and stayed together for another six months after ending the engagement before finally ending things for good. Long story short, there were so many problems; lying, hiding things from each other, extreme lack of communication, infidelity, basically everything that could go wrong did and we became just plain toxic for each other. We ended it amicably and haven’t spoken since. I was actually kind of relieved and happy to finally be able to work on myself and focus on my own happiness for once. Thing is, there’s already another guy in the picture and I don’t know how I feel about it. He’s a coworker who I met right after my ex and I had gotten back together and while he always respected my relationship and kept his distance, I always knew he had a crush on me. The second I became officially single he swooped in. I immediately let him know that I was not interested in any type of serious relationship and he said he understood but that didn’t stop him from constantly wanting to take me on dates and spend time with me. (side note: I’m not the type to constantly be needing attention or affection. That was actually one of the problems in my relationship, ex was extremely needy and I the complete opposite) I do like him A LOT however, and even though I fought his advances at first I’m slowly staring to give in. He’s so sweet and caring and funny, he honestly has treated me better in these past two months than my ex treated me in the entire 6 years I was with him. When I’m with him I don’t think about my ex at all, but the second I’m not my ex is all I think about. Not in a way that I want him back, because given the chance I would not go back to him but I honestly just miss his presence. He was my best friend. I never wanted kids and never dreamt of being married growing up, but for a brief moment I truly wanted all of that with him. I guess I’m still not over the fact that I’m not ending up with person I thought was going to be my forever. Now, this new guy already is talking about the future and how strong his feelings are for me and I don’t know how to go about it. He hasn’t been in a relationship for two years and has already had his time to himself, so of course he’s ready to jump into a relationship with me. I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t feel like my heart is exactly in the right place to be in a relationship just yet. Also I feel extremely guilty for moving on so quickly and I’m scared about my ex finding out I’m already with another person after only two months of breaking up.. So, Any words of wisdom on what I should do? Should I push my new guy away and stay single or give him a chance? Feeling very torn 🙁 Btw Sorry for rambling!!!
Post # 2
Hugs to you!! Ending a relationship is tough. Its so hard to be in a place where you never imagined yourself to be. I think since you are still so worried about how your ex will feel and you also still think about your ex in reality you are still grieving for that loss. You are grieving the loss of the life you thought you would have. You arent grieving for your ex but you are still grieving.
If it were me, I would tell your new male acquaintance that you would like to take things slow. This might be a rebound relationship. He might be a perfectly nice guy but is he filling a lonely spot in your heart so you dont have to think about the grief process?
You need to be read 100% before you enter a new relationship and it doesnt sound like you are quite there yet. Hugs and good luck.
Post # 3
Break ups suck. Like, they SUCK.
Since you are wondering how your ex would feel if he knew you are thinking about dating again after 2 months…you aren’t ready. ONLY once you could care less about what he thinks are you ready to date again. You aren’t at that point, plus he was your first love.
I can tell you from experience that dating again after only two months broken up with your first love is not a great idea. Plus him swooping in so quickly? That is actually a pretty major red flag. I started an online dating profile two months after I broke up with my first love. I THOUGHT I was ready. But I wasn’t. The guy I ended up dating pursued me, and pursued me HARD. I thought it was love, but after 5 months of a whirlwind romance we broke it off…and I realized I was just putting a band aid on my pain from breaking up with my ex. In all honesty — you’re not going to want to hear this — it took me probably about a year to FULLY be over him. I think it took so long because I jumped back into dating when I shouldn’t have and when I wasn’t ready.
Take your time. Grieve your relationship. Hold this other guy at arm’s length for now. You will know when you are ready…just don’t make my mistake and jump in again too soon!
Post # 4
This is very good advice. I think the part that bothers me is this guy is already talking about a future with her in just a short two months. That creeps me out just a little, I know some people who have had whirlwind relationships, but he knows she is newly out of a relationship and yet he is pushing her. It sounds more like he is wearing her down.
Bee I hope you do what ljm308 says and grieve and take your time. Only because if this relationship doesnt work out, you will only be hurting yourself more.
Post # 5
It seems like you aren’t ready to begin a new relationship. I think it would be a really good idea to tell the new guy that you need a few weeks/months whatever to be alone and think about things, even though you like him and would like to be with him. Perhaps tell him you understand if he doesn’t want to wait, but because you just got out of a serious relationship you don’t feel like this is the right foundation to build a new, healthy relationship on.
However, I do have a similar experience. Sorry, this will probably be a novel.
I was with my high school sweetheart for a few years after high school. It was an awful relationship but of course I didn’t entirely realize that at the time, and wasn’t willing to let go. I was about to transfer to a new college when I finally realized that I was done, and was ready to get out there and meet new people at a new school. He didn’t love me enough and couldn’t give me what I needed, so we broke up.
It was incredibly difficult. I barely ate a thing for weeks, I cried daily, and was still walking around nauseated and confused when I began classes at my new college. I was NOT in the right mindset to be dating, by any means. And then two weeks into school, I met a wonderful man. He was cute, nice, smart, hilarious, and totally understood me. I began hanging out with him on campus and he was asking me out regularly.
I remember texting my best friend, confused because I liked this new guy even though she had just been with me comforting me through my breakup only days before. She encouraged me to date him and have new experiences and not take the relationship too seriously. So I was honest about what I had going on, that I was still getting over a break up but he was too good to pass up. He told me he loved me a few weeks in, and I waited much longer to say the same because I just wasn’t totally ready yet.
In 3 weeks I will be marrying that man. It was probably a poor decision to head into a new relationship while still thinking about someone else. I am not sure I can advise you to do that. But in my case, I’m so thankful I did. It was poor timing, but I knew I had found someone so special and had to go for it.
Good luck Bee.
Post # 6
what struck me was when you said in 2 months he’s treated you better than the past 6 years with your ex-FI. That’s because this is the honeymoon period, the “butterflies in your stomach” feeling of having someone give you an emotional boost. I know you’re not trying to, but don’t rewrite the past to try and make this guy seem perfect compared to your ex.
Personally I think it’s too soon and the fact you’re questioning that is wise.
Post # 7
You dated your ex for six years and were high school sweethearts. So basically he’s all you know and you’ve never had a chance to be single. Plus, you’re still very young. I say it’s time to be truly single. Figure out what you want out of life. Figure out who you really are/who you want to be. I get that you like this new guy but I honestly think it’s too soon.
Post # 8
I don’t think you are ready to move on at all. And honestly, if this other guy is so caring, why isn’t he respecting your wishes (to not have a relationship) instead of constantly pushing you to date? The fact that he rushed in as soon as you ended your relationship doesn’t say much about him. He should want you after you’ve healed and if he still does, then great. Otherwise, he kind of sounds like a creep.
Post # 9
Thank you for your honest replies ladies. I decided I’m gonna talk to him and tell him how I’m not ready to be with him while my heart is still invested in my past. Because I thought about it and while he is truly a sweet guy I think I was just hyping him up in my own mind to make myself feel better about losing the person I was convinced for so long was perfect for me. Hoping he understands but if he doesn’t, it will show me a lot. I wish I could just speed up this whole healing process. Only two months in and I’m already so tired of missing my ex and everything about our relationship. This really sucks.
Post # 10
I think your story is absolutely amazing! Congratulations. It sounds like you were so right for going with your heart. I don’t know if ill end up in the same position with my new friend but I really do hope to find someone as special as you did one day.
Post # 11
I would just hang out with mr office as friends. Go out to dinner and drinks, ice skating, movies ect but be clear they are not dates. Then if things naturally become more then great. If not you will have a good guy friend.
as for the ex finding out , he is your ex so has no business to tell you how to live, feel, love or who you can date or hang out with.
just. My 2pence worth. Only you know what feels right for you . Xxx