(Closed) Moving out – Am I crazy?

posted 5 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
3586 posts
Sugar bee

He said you are not on the same page and clearly you guys are not. He wants one thing and you want another. I’d just be like look this is what i want and if we can’t compromise on something i am leaving. Can we call you crazy? I am sure a few people will sit here and say you are just being selfish but really who is to say that you are asking for to much. It’s about what you want and making your self happy. You are not even married to this guy and he can’t committ so why stick around. They say in order to be happy you need to make sure you are happy with your self but it sounds like you are not in a happy place. Do what you feel is best for you. If kids and a family is what you want and he wants your loans paid than your priorities are completely different. But here is another question . Can you see your life without him? If you can let go that easy do you really love him?

Post # 3
Member
1234 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

MadamMiko:  If “he shoulders all of the bills”… what are you spending your salary on other than student loans?

Post # 4
Member
9586 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I guess I can see both sides. On one hand I think two people should work as a team to pay off debts if they’re getting married. But if you’re making that much money, why is it taking so long to pay off the loans if he’s shouldering everything else? I personally can’t see moving out of the house when you could have the loans paid off in 6 months and this would be a non-issue.

Post # 5
Member
684 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think you are crazy at all. I’m sorry that this happened. Unfortunately a lot of times partners are only concerned with what they want. I had kind of the same problems as you not so much with the loans but the need to have a family young. I was with my husband for 14 years and always expressed that I wanted a family he was never ready it wasn’t the right time, he wanted to buy a house there was always something. 

 

I decided I wanted a divorce and we ended the relationship. What you did was very courageous and you should be proud of standing up for what you want and how you want your life. 

These decisions should be made together. 

Post # 6
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee

MadamMiko:  You are living in a house you don’t like with a man that doesn’t have the same values as you. Seems like you have made alot of the big compromises. Move out, heck move back to a state you like again. I’m 37 and still waiting. I may never have a kid at this point. Life is too short.

 

EDIT-If you paid off your student loan today do you get the feeling he would propose? Or would there be some other excuse? Some food for thought.

Post # 7
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee

MadamMiko:  I think you did the right thing.

and it’s insane that he expects you to be debt free before getting married. The average American does not have their college tuition payed for and they get married.

my husband married me despite my student loans. And he had payed of his loans (since his college education was only 2 years of loans and mine were 8 years of loans). But he came with other debts: an amazing car.

i don’t mind paying his debts and vice verse. We pay more than the minimum and tackle it as a team.

i think if a man wants to marry you, he will. If a man doesn’t want to marry you, he will find excuses. Some people don’t pay off their loans still their 50, how long would he keep pushing it back….

Bravo for moving out. And hugs, I’m sorry that he is acting this ways

Post # 8
Member
3225 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

MadamMiko: To me, your moving out is equivalent to an ultimatium and I don’t believe in giving ultimatiums in a relationship. I don’t think you’re crazy for knowing what you want, but I think you should have broken up with him and then moved out – not moved out in a tactic to get what you want. I also have to agree with PPs – what are you spending your 85k on (if not any bills) if not your student loans? 

Post # 9
Member
11574 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I can see both POVs here. It seems reasonable for him to not want to get married, and thereby assume responsibility for your debt, until it’s paid off. I can also understznd your feelings about starting a family in your 20s. But you know what they say about the best laid plans. 

so were you paying off your loans while he supported you? do you think he would really marry you if you paid the debt off?

as for the down payment in order to get a new house, he has a point there. I get that you don’t like his house but it seems like you’re not willing to pay off your bills and help out financially, at least from what you’ve written. That isn’t really fair to him. 

If that is incorrect, then he might be dodging. At any rate, I’m sorry you’re going through this I know it hurts. 

Post # 10
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: Local Resort

Wanting to start a life with someone who has taken care of their financial responsibilities is very smart. But student loans don’t get paid over night. It’s been more than 2 years. I’m wondering if he thinks you are irresponsible with money. 

Any way way you play this out, it sounds like he is 

a. Trying to change who you are to teach you some kind of lesson?

b. Stalling for time

c. Not ready because he can get the milk for free

 

i think you did the right thing. I also think you were right to trust your gut and move. This entire story is very déjàvu to me. I was in my early 30’s when it happenEd to me though.  I had a very uncomfortable conversation with him and my final question and statement was “I’m not your mother, I will never run your house the way you think it should be done, and your emotional hang ups over me not doing what you want me to do fast enough isn’t going to happen.”. 

 

i packed up, moved out with nothing in the bank, a piece of junk car and I was heartbroken. hindsight is always 20/20. 

Post # 11
Member
1787 posts
Buzzing bee

He knew you had a 2 year limit when you moved in- if he wanted to change the plan at any time he should have done so before now! before the end of the 2 years! –so to me this feels like he’s making excuses and dragging his feet. I would move out.

Post # 12
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

If your comfort levels are capped at two years of living together without a proposal, and he’s used that goodwill up, then yes, it makes total sense to move out. You made your position clear from the beginning and he promptly ignored it while making no attempt to reach a compromise until your deadline had already passed. If he had told you that his proposal was going to be based on having loans paid off a year or two ago, I suspect they would probably be close to paid off now. As it is, he’s led you on and then blindsided you.

I’m sure he is a nice guy in other ways, but his communication sucks and so does his lack of respect for your previous requests and timelines. That alone is enough justification for moving out, In My Humble Opinion.

Post # 13
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

You told him your expectations, and he didn’t respect them – but it seems he has very good reason to. You’re NOT on the same page – you have a “timeline” to stick to, he has unrealistic expectations about debt, for example.

You’re not crazy, but you are both hurt. You absolutely should NOT get engaged to this man – if you can’t get on the same page about things, I don’t think you should be with him at all.

Post # 14
Member
4505 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You are not crazy or insane, and the fact that he would say that to you tells you volumes about the kind of guy he is. You absolutely should move out at this point. 

And he is wrong about insustung that you pay off your student loans before engagement — huh? Why? Some of these loans can take 25 or 30 years to pay off. My husband married me with $100k in student debt (mine).

Post # 15
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

MadamMiko: you aren’t crazy, you were just on different pages. It’s not unreasonable of you to have your expectations and frankly, he can have his own set of expectations as well. 

The issue is your expectations don’t have enough common ground. I hope you take the time to figure out what you want and how to get it, with or without a partner. Your partner will come and you will build plans together. 

Stay strong!

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