- 5 years ago
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years. We moved in together to live in his house around a year after dating. Originally, I had told him that I am comfortable dating for roughly 2 years before needing to be engaged and planning a weddnig and a family because my goal has always been to get situated in my 20s. I also wanted to carry my first child in my 20s because I want to be able to carry in a young body and recover from pregnancy quickly.
I am going to be 28 and he is 34. Well, since dating, he’s had a career change and became a police officer and is enduring difficult schedule blocks, which I have come to accept and live around. I am originally from California and was visiting east coast for school but since he got a job in New Hampshire, I decided to relocate and move into his fixer upper home in order to move things along in our relationship and have reluctantly comitted to living in a state I don’t particularly care for in order to be with him. As a result, I changed jobs and am quite fond of my current company.
Anyway, fast fwd to our 2 year anniversary and there is no ring or no conversation around proposal although a few months leading up to it, I did remind him of my comfort limit. I then found out there was no plans of him popping the question. He said he still didn’t think we were on the same page about a lot of things – mainly because I have student loans (35k) that he wants me to pay off before getting engaged. And that is where our problems exploded.
To me, love and marriage has always been about loving the other person unconditionally – with or without loans. He made a lot of money when he was younger so he is debt free and owns his home 100% without mortgage. I loathe his house – 65% of it is gutted and is forever under construction – the part we live in is livable but in no means feels like a home to me. His expectation is that we raise a child here until our family gets too big and we decide to upgrade.
He wants me to pay off all of my debt and save up enough for a down payment before he considers buying a new home. Then he changed his mind to waiting to buy a new home until a family got too big.
While what he says makes sense to me, I can’t figure out why we can’t be married and take care of this together as a team. I dont’ mind paying off my own student loans but my goal has never been to be debt free before having a kid. I only have 35k left. And my salary is 85k. It won’t take long before they are gone but he won’t budge with the proposal until that happens.
I just don’t understand anymore and I am heartbroken that I feel he doesn’t love me enough to make a wife out of me. He shoulders all of our bills so I can take care of the loans but that is not really improtant to me – it is improtant to him and I feel like my needs as a woman who is wanting a family are not met. He constantyl pushes aside my desire to have children at a younger age always laughing when I stress “Well, I’m about to be 28 and I really want to be pregnant in my 20s” with “Oh yeah that’s sooo old”. That’s not the point. I’m the one that has to carry this child, not him.
So I decided to move out and sign a lease on a condo. He called me crazy and insane. I explained to him that I think he lost sight of what is important and Iw as really hoping up until the last minute he would realize I was walking out the door and propose. Instead, he said I was thinking like a terrorist by throwing this at him and that sent me over the edge.
I guess I am writing this in a sense to see if I am indeed crazy, but more or less I am seeking validation because I am beginning to doubt myself and the tears are clouding everything.
Thank you for your time.