Post # 16
I think moving out is the right thing to do. Not because of the loan stuff, but because you told him you would live with him for 2 years, then you needed to be engaged.
But I do wonder…how do you feel about the fact that more than likely now you wont have kids before turning 30? The chance you will meet, marry and get pregnant in the next 2 years, possible but not probable.
Post # 17
He called you “crazy & insane” and a “terrorist” in response to your telling him how you feel about marriage & children. That doesn’t sound like such a nice guy to me.
I don’t think you’re crazy for moving out at all. I think you took your power back. I have to wonder if the PP isn’t correct–is the loan debt just an excuse?
In any case, you deserve a man who is dying to marry you & start a family. Does this man make you feel cherished?
Post # 18
If he is shouldering all of the bills so you can pay off your loans, you could have those paid in NO time making 85k a year. Let’s be realistic here…utlimately if you have a kid in the next two years, you will likely stop working for a period of time and he might have to help pay them. I personally don’t think having to help make payments for a while is a big deal, but do you plan on working after having a child, or have you made it clear that you don’t want to work for a while (deferring the debt to him)? That might scare him a bit. It sounds like he is very practical and wants to be in a good place as debt free as possible before having a child…and no one can really blame him for that since it is in your reach. Is this the only issue? You did give up a lot to move across the country and be with him, and I do think he should be reassuring you more and discussing his concerns about the loan debt.
Post # 19
You are not crazy or wrong, and neither is he. He is entitled to have his goals and expectations, and so are you… you are wanting to marry and have a family asap, and figure out the financial stuff as you go along, and he wants things to look a certain way financially before he marries. It sounds like you aren’t able to meet in the middle – if that’s the case, this is the wrong relationship for you both.
Post # 20
I think you made the right choice. It sounds like he wants to make all the decisions and I guarantee that when the student loans are paid off there will be another issue that he wants resolved before a proposal. It’s never a perfect time to get engaged. If you are managing your student loans and budgeting well it shouldn’t be a problem. My brother is quite well-off and took the maximum amount of time to pay off his student loans because his investments were making more in interest than he was paying in student loans.
You moved for him, you live in his house (which sounds like a less than ideal place to live), you made your terms and goals known. I give you a lot of credit for taking control of your own life and doing what you need.
My ex was one who always had another mountain for us to overcome before an engagement. Finally he admitted that he just couldn’t get himself mentally in the right place to marry. My fiance knew that moving in meant that things were moving toward marriage. He told me he didn’t feel it was appropriate to move me in and wait more than 6 months or so to propose (he proposed 4 months after the move).
Many men see moving in as a means of seeing how things go where as women see moving in as a step to marriage.
Post # 21
Quick math. He shoulders all bills, so your expenses are 0 (probably incorrect, but we’ll go with it). Your salary is $85k. Let’s say 30% tax rate, so you’re left with $59.5k. Your student loans are $35k. Not counting interest, you would be able to pay them off in 7 months. Let’s say 8 for interest purposes. So I think it would be safe to say you could pay them off in a year assuming minimal expenses.
You are 27 now (as you said you’ll soon be 28). You would be 28 if the loans were paid off. if he’s waiting for the loans to be paid off, then he proposed right then. You get married at 29, and potentially have baby #1 or are pregnant by 30.
New situation: You still have your loans to pay off, but now you gave to pay for your condo, plus associated bills. That will definitely extend your time paying your loans off, possibly by years. Probably by years, actually. You leave him and need to start the dating sequence again. You have approximately 2 years to find someone who will marry you, and then get pregnant.
Mathematically you were better off staying. But obviously that’s not the only thing at play, and certainly not the most important.
People often get married with student loans. But they do it because they’re on the same page about finances.
Is he truly holding off on marriage just because of the loans? Do you think it’s how you handle finances overall that scares him? It’s not unreasonable at all for him to not want to buy a new house if he doesn’t have the down payment. Do you want a big ring or fancy wedding that he can’t afford? Do you want to stop working once you have a baby, even temporarily? What are your savings like?
And another thought: how is he getting the milk for free if he’s paying all the bills? That’s what strikes me as odd here. If he wasn’t committed, wouldn’t he be making you pay your share?
Post # 22
I don’t know why people are making out this guy is the bad guy here. They discussed that the OP had a two year limit but it also sounds like they discussed that he had the expectation of the OP being student loan debt free before a proposal. And then it sounds like he made it possible for that to happen by shouldering all the bills whilst the OP used her $85k salary to pay off the $35k in student loan debt.
Sounds like the only person here sabotaging the relationship is the OP. They both had expectations and it sounds like he did everything to help both sets of expectations to be met in order to move forward to engagement. But what did the OP do?
Post # 23
It sounds like he owns a money pit though. Even with no mortgage, a house that is 65% in renovation is a lot more of a liability than $35K in student loans. To me it sounds like he’s being self-righteous about his lack of debt while having taken on significant financial risk himself.
He’s also in a position where he can put off a proposal indefinitely. It’s risky to move in without a wedding date and hope that a proposal will happen at some point. To me she’s just taking it back to where it should be at this stage. BF/GF with no proposal in sight (if marriage is the goal) should not be living together IMO.
Post # 24
I don’t think that’s a fair point. He pushed his point and made it possible for me to pay off my student loans but that is assuming I was on the same path as him. 85k is a recent job acquire. Before that, I was paying off a car I had to buy in order to make the 3 hour round trip commute to my work in order to be able to live with him and still have a job. So I spent the last 2 years paying my car off – which I did and now I own 100%.
We never agreed for me to be student loan free before getting married, that is a new thing he’s thrown my way.
Post # 25
But we don’t know what the money pit that he owns outright is actually worth or that it is actually a money pit. It could just be that the OP wants the marriage and a better house so if embellishing the truth. But regardless he owns the property outright so there is equity there, equity that he wants to use towards a family home. Sorry but I think it is extremely rude to say that he isn’t going to propose. None of us know this guy and the only one in this situation that isn’t living up to expectations so far is the OP. She has has ample opportunity to pay off her student debt yet hasn’t even though it is the one thing standing between her and emgagement. Yet he is the bad guy? Come on.
Post # 26
Thanks for the breakdown, that was interesting to read.
To answer your questions – 85k is a new job. Actually as of 12/1/14. Before that, I was making less and I was paying off my car, paying for our three dogs, and our groceries as well as trips to visit family to and from California.
Before that, I had a lot of school.. had to go from Berkeley to Harvard and jump from job to job to figure out what i wanted to do before settling for a company for the last 2.5 yrs (60k salary plus rent for the first 2 yrs we dated). Plus, I had a medical condition that would make me dish out 1k a month to cover expenses. I’m in recovery now.
Point being, I’m not stingy and I’m not spend happy but there have been a lot of obstacles that I had to overcome and I am still doing ok.
I told him if wedding costs are an issue – no problem, let’s downsize. If ring is the issue, ok no problem we can work it out. But he told me he has the money for a ring eh just thinks we are not ready.
I asked him what happens if I pay off my loans? “Well, we still have other issues.” And every time Ia sk him what they are, he just goes back to talking about how he wants to stay in his crappy house and I truly believe it is because he has a stubborn need to see a project through but when my parents visited it, they pulled me aside and said this house will not be done in 10 years. They said life is short and sometimes it’s best to take out a mortgage and buy a house you both like and raise a family, which I agree with 100%. But he blatantly doesn’t want a mrotgage.
I’ve volunteered to contribute to the bill payment I even said hey let’s get a house and Iw ill pay the mortgage off but he is doesn’t want that.
Anyway.. hope that answers your questions.
Post # 27
ok so now that you are able to pay off your debt and he has given you time and supported you whilst you get a good job and pay off your car 100%, why can’t you compromise to a year of debt repayment and savings so you can both move towards an engagement? Why is it such a big deal to do that?
Post # 28
I apologize if I haven’t stated this earlier – but I have suggested “OK”, I just don’t get why it is that improtant for someoen to wait for my loans to be gone before engagement.
I’m Russian and maybe it’s a cultural thing but where I come from, if you love a person, you marry them for their heart not their financial stability. And may I add, aside the student loans, I am financially independent and have no further debt. I’m very confused why this would be a showstopper.
Post # 29
If it were me I would have left him when he said I had to be debt free before marriage. I think that is an assonine request and I wouldn’t put up with it. So, I don’t think you’re crazy.
Post # 30
viws are for “richer and poorer.”
if he doesnr want you at your lowest (student loans) then he doesby deserve you at the highest (debt free). Just using moneh since that’s his main point. If he has no issues marrying you when you have more money and spending your money, he should have no issue marrying you and taking care of bills as a team.
im sorry that people use your salary against you. people often look at my sslary, but if they saw my medical bills, and my husbands medical bills, they would shut up.
he new your 2 year deadline, he is lucky you just moved out. I would have left.