(Closed) Moving out – Am I crazy?

posted 7 years ago in Proposals
Post # 33
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

It sounds like you two are not on the same page about a number of things and I think that should be your primary concern, not just that he won’t propose before you clear your debt. You should move out, especially as you hate where you’re living and maybe take some time to really think over your relationship and your partner and see if you two are truly compatible and if this is who you really want and believe you can spend the rest of your life with. Please don’t insist on staying and marrying this man just because you want to have a child in your 20’s. 

Post # 34
Member
1000 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

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MadamMiko:  After seeing your other answers as well, I think that you’re making the right choice.  It seems to me that he is stalling overall and is using this as an excuse.  It sounds like you’ve really worked hard to get a great job and going back to school like that isn’t easy!  I live in southern New Husband…if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to PM me.

Post # 35
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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MadamMiko:  You asked what happens after you pay off all your loans and he said you still have other “issues”? I’d move out and move on. He’s not ready for marriage and is stalling on the engagement. 

 

Post # 36
Member
8601 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

yes I think hes using your loans as an excuse to drag his heels. You are not crazy for moving out.

Post # 37
Member
7555 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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MadamMiko:  But the thing is in a relationship it is not about one person’s view, it is about two people’s views.  You have things that are important to you and he has things that are important to him. From what you have written (your words) it sounds like he is more wiling to compromise than you. His goal of being on the same foot financially before becoming engaged does not mean he doesn’t love you but it means that he wants you to start your lives together on an equal footing. He is thinking practically and you are thinking emotionally. 

 

Post # 39
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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j_jaye:  It’s only worth something if someone will buy it.  Selling a fixer-upper can take awhile if you get stuck on recovering renovation costs.  Property taxes in New Hampshire can be pretty prohibative too. . .like the equivalent of a modest mortgage.  

This guy doesn’t sound like compromise is part of the equation.  If she wasn’t paying her loans in favor of a shoe habit it would be one thing, but it sounds like she’s worked hard on her degree(s), and may be limiting her opportunities to live where he purchased a home.  For better or for worse can’t be controlled.  Life just doesn’t work that way.  

Post # 40
Member
955 posts
Busy bee

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MadamMiko:  honestly you sound like a catch. What makes you think this guy is good enough for you? Find someone who has the same values and doesn’t have so many excuses. 

Post # 41
Member
2013 posts
Buzzing bee

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MadamMiko:  It sounds like you guys have way different money priorities. I personally am a frugal/investor type and would also have reservations marrying someone with such a relatively high salary as well as a relatively large amount of debt. For me, it would matter how large the debt was a couple of years ago and what it was from. If it was school debt, that started at $95k but that you had paid down to $35k in a few years- that would be totally understandable to me. If it was credit card debt that you’d been carrying/super duper slowly paying off over years and years with no end in sight…it would make me nervous. He sounds like kind of a frugal minimalist type, this mindset could be scary to him. 

That said, money differences really show priority differences. If you aren’t compatible then you aren’t. and you deserve to have the life that you want (and you’re operating on a tight timeline). What if you share with him HOW you’re paying down the debt and how long it will take to get rid of all of it?

Then maybe also share some stats on preganancy/viability for first time pregnancies with relation to age. If he’s a facts guy this will appeal to his sense of reason and may cause him to reconsider. 

Post # 42
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

I agree with many post but has anyone stopped to think her loans could have been just as much if not well over her current salary. And she says she only has 35k left which means clearly she has been paying on her loans. Bottom line we dont knw where she started at. And or what private bills she has of her own aside frm just the house bills he pays. Secondly like many others he can come up with more excuses as to why he is not ready to be married. If he so called wanted a future with you I would think whether he was buying a house or not he may have put a little thought into whether or not it was even habitable for children and or something you would like bt you clearly were not apart of that thought process to him. And loans have nothing to do with spending your life with your soulmate thats not what you should be thinking about when you look at the person you want to spend your life with. I mean ofcourse u both budget and set a plan but that doesnt hinder your future with someone. To sum it up hes bullshitting and you shouldnt waste your time if he doesnt value you enough over a dam loan. 

Post # 43
Member
8454 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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MadamMiko:  His argument doesn’t even make sense to me, for three reasons:

  1. Presumably, the education you received in exchange for the loans is going to allow you to get lucrative jobs and live a comfortable lifestyle. Is he going to excuse himself from enjoying the benefits of your education since he is refusing to help pay for them or even marry you while you’re paying for them? This seems very short-sighted of him.
  2. Except that he is helping pay, by taking care of all the bills. Practically speaking, if he is paying all the bills so that you can pay off your student loans, then he’s contributing to the loans. Why is he ok with that scenario, but not ok with you two getting married and both contributing to all the bills, including your student loans? He’d be spending the same amount of money.
  3. Even in community property states, debt you take on before marriage stays yours after the marriage, so it’s not like he would suddenly become liable for your student loans. If he’s worried about getting stuck with them if you get divorced or something, that wouldn’t happen.

So what exactly is his objection to getting married while you’re still paying your loans? You put up with his nonsense longer than I would have. Best wishes on your search for someone with more logical priorities and values that align better with your own. He’s out there!

Post # 44
Member
395 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like you guys just aren’t really compatible on some issues that are really important to each of you.

The debt-free thing is actually a (major) reason my parents got divorced. My dad had bought his two bedroom apartment early on in his life, paid for it in cash, and settled in for the long haul. My mom works with very rich people who gave her the advice to basically buy a house, live in it, buy another house, move and rent the first one. My dad is still the kind of guy who pays for his cars/etc in cash and could not stomach the idea of taking on a mortgage or being a landlord. Neither of them were wrong in the things they wanted nor were either particularly willing to compromise, they just had different perspectives that couldn’t work together. I think you and SO are similar on this front.

It’s fine to prioritize starting a family ASAP, even if that means delaying paying down debt as you would otherwise be able to. It’s fine to prioritize not getting into any debt. It’s just that these two things don’t seem to be able to coexist in your relationship. Probably time to move on and find someone who can thrive with what you bring to a relationship, I’m sorry.

Post # 45
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think either of you is right or wrong As such, but yes, you are clearly on different pages. I personally don’t agree in Setting a ‘comfort limit’ as to when you want to get engaged and married, just like him not proposing because you have a debt, you are also not loving him unconditionally. If he is expected to love you and want to be with you regardless, so should you. Two years isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of things and he may feel pressureD. You may jave made it clear to him this is what you wanted, but as a man who loved you ‘unconditionally’ perhaps he was hoping that your conditions of your love would work out as the time went on. Seems like you both have some things to work through and hopefully this time apart does that. 

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