(Closed) Moving out – Am I crazy?

posted 7 years ago in Proposals
Post # 46
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee

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MadamMiko:  ‘not right to stay just so your baby agenda gets filled’… I think you’ve just made it clear that you’ve made the right decision. If you truly loved him that wouldn’t be so easy to say. I get that kids can be a deal breaker, if mine didn’t want kids, it would be. But if a couple loves eachother enough, not being on the same page as to timing would be something to fight for and work towards to ensure you can stay with the love of your life.

I also don’t agree with the woman dictating everything about when they want to have a baby. Yes, it’s your body, but he is also going to be a father. If that’s the case, have it on your own as a responsible father won’t have a baby flippantly just because his partner wants one, but rather when they are both ready. 

Post # 47
Member
10222 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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MadamMiko:  

I seem to be alone here but I don’t like the way he treats you & speaks to you.

Post # 48
Member
614 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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mazzoffee:  totally agree with your point about responsible fatherhood…my husband’s first wife pressured him endlessly to have children before he was ready.  He eventually gave in and he still says, 15 years later, that he should have held strong.  He adores his kids absolutely, but he never felt properly involved in the decision to have kids, and that was the beginning of the end for that marriage.  It has to be a joint decision.  I understand the practical opinion (age, fertility etc), but BOTH patners have to be super emotionally ready, and financially ready, in order to have a baby.

Post # 49
Member
462 posts
Helper bee

I seem to view money and dating periods differently than alot of bees (based upon a thread I started yesterday and comments on this post) but I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to meet certain financial goals first or that if he doesn’t propose by x amount of time that he doesn’t love you. 

keeping that in mind I really don’t think you should have signed a lease!! And if you havnt yet please reconsider! Keep in mind that a lease is signing you up for a fixed financial obligation for a period of time. i don’t think you are in a great position to be making that kind of decision. Especially when it doesn’t work towards either of your goals. 

Neither his debt free goal or your time line goal are unreasonable, both are values you each want for your own life. They are just different and if neither of you are prepared to compromise then they can’t co exist.

i suggest you sit down and Both lay down on the table what you want from this relationship and what you are prepared to give. Would you stay another 6months paying off your loans if he will consider a proposal when the debt is under 10k ? Would he/you… Etc. If you guys can’t come to a set of common goals you may need to consider leaving. But don’t do it as an ultamatum or hoping it will change his mind.

See if you can stay with someone else or get a place for a few weeks – dont sign a contact, don’t lock yourself into anything. Spend those few weeks thinking about what you want and planning for your future. If you guys come to an agreement in that time great, you may decide you need a 6month lease to work it out or that it’s time to move on. But atleast then you are making an informed, thought out decision about where you life is heading. You are not simply reacting to the circumstance

Post # 50
Member
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

i think it is pretty selfish of him to have you move to a state completely on the opposite side of the country to be with him, move you into an unfinished house (why is he dragging his feet on fixing it if he does not have a mortgage?) and why is he okay with having kids with you (a financial burden) but will not marry you (hello benefits & tax breaks!!!!!) that doesn’t make any sense!!!! If he is worried about you defaulting on your loans maybe you can talk to him about what you are doing to pay them off and offer to write that into a prenuptial agreement. My friend had about $140k in student loans and her husband and his family were adamant about not being responsible for it should they divorce. She fully intended to take care of her own loans and she was more than okay with signing that they were her responsibility and hers alone).

I still think it’s wayyy rude that he’s saying all of this to you. I think it is clear you arent on the same page and I applaud you for taking the steps to get out of that situation, although I hope that you didn’t move out too hastily because your timeline wasn’t met. With that said, I don’t understand his logic whatsoever and in no way do I think you are the crazy or insane one in this situation. He seems like the kind of guy that people fall over themselves for and he gets his way more often than not and hes lashing out because this is a situation that he couldn’t manipulate and control.

I think a calm conversation with a definite resolution is in order. If you can’t come to some middle ground surrounding your relationship then it is best to move on now before either of you waste your time on a relationship that isn’t on the same page and doesn’t make either of you happy.

Post # 51
Member
584 posts
Busy bee

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MadamMiko:  Seems like there’s a lot of debate going on here about who is right and who is wrong, and that is missing the point.  From what I’m reading, you simply have different values and different ideas about your priorities when it comes to both getting married and having a life together.  While everyone has to make compromises in a relationship, when you’re not even married yet and the differences are this big, personally I think it’s time to move on and both look for someone you are more compatible with so you can both be happier.

Post # 52
Member
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

just to add to my original comment, maybe try to find something that is month to month without the commitment of a lease so you can work on your relationship without living together for a bit. Since he’s made his expectations of you very clear, I think you need to be very clear about the things you want… for example a timeline that the house is going to be liveable. If he doesn’t have a mortgage why isn’t it getting fixed? If he wasn’t planning on marrying you in the timeline you had discussed why didn’t he tell you this sooner? I don’t think bringing a baby into this world with the amount of problems you are having right now is the answer. I think that you can realistically expect to pay off your student loan while still having money to live in about 2 years. If you had at least a year engagement then it will definitely be paid off by then and that would free up income to renovate your home. I agree with him that it is smart to not have a mortgage, but not if you are essentially squatting in that home because its a construction zone. Tell him you can love the house but X needs to be done. I think you both have a clear idea of what each of you wants, but I don’t think you agree on how to get there. This definitely needs to be resolved before you can move forward together in any capacity.

Post # 53
Member
2409 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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sassy411:  you aren’t the only one!

Post # 54
Member
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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bitsybee:  Same here! Regardless of whether or not the OP and her boyfriend are on the same page with regard to finances and children, this man called her names when she attempted to talk to him about how she felt. He called her terrible names. I think she is right to move out. He’s stringing her along and clearly has no intentions of moving forward with the rrelationship. Plus he sounds like an asshole.

Post # 55
Member
1062 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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sassy411:  I agree. I read the OP and all subsequent posts from others and she’s absolutely doing the right thing!

Post # 56
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

Say no more…just walk. If he lets you stay gone, then he wasn’t the right man for you. If he realizes what he has, then he’ll come running. Nothing will stop him from making it right. But once you walk, go silent. Don’t make a big to-do about it, just go. You will know soon how he truly feels. It’s a risk, but the alternative is not good. So, if I were you, I’d take that risk and see if he will let you stay gone or step up to the plate. Either way, the next go roung with either him or someone else will be much better. 

Lots of luck to you!

Post # 58
Member
222 posts
Helper bee

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MadamMiko:  <hugs> I’m sorry you regret your decision but it sounds like you’ve grown a lot in a short amount of time. Try and be patient and give him time to do his ‘soul searching’. I know it sucks so try and hang in there.

Post # 59
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee

I know you are in pain and the only thing that seems to be the answer to your pain is to go back…But I also don’t think someone who loved you and truly wanted to work with you would be shutting you out this way. It sounds like he was looking for an even bigger reason to break things off and you gave it to him. First it was the loan, then the baby thing, and now this.

You’re right, though. This is a learning experience. A very painful one! <3

Post # 60
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

I see both sides of it.  I don’t feel it’s fair to dangle a proposal over your head- I’m not a fan of “do this and I’ll do that”. If he loves you and wants to marry you it shouldn’t matter if you have student loans or not. Having someone with decent credit and the ability to buy a home together is something that should be important, but student loans are not that big of a deal- ususally they interest rate is so low- most people take their sweet time paying them off. Paying all the bills so you can work at paying off your debt is nice, but it shouldn’t be a factor in him proposing.

My Ex husband told me I had to pay off all my debt before our wedding- he even used to pull my credit monthly to see my progress- I let him do it, because I was young and naive- now I realize that was a huge red flag and the control only got more as the years went on and we were married- that was a huge factor in me getting a divorce. There is a fine line between wanting to help you, and hanging that over your head.

In terms of a family you guys don’t sound like you are on the same page- and he needs to communicate that with you- I understand you have your timeframe and you want to have a baby in your 20’s- but please don’t let that run your life. Women in their late 30’s and early 40’s are having healthy babies everyday- it’s much better to bring a child into a healthy loving relationship, who cares if you are older.

I think time is good for you right now- you need to think about do you really want to be with him, even if it doesn’t match up to your timeframe? You aren’t going to change him- it sounds like he needs to communicate with you, and he may need to compromise a bit- but he’s not going to change.

 

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