Post # 1
I am with my Fi ( engaged now for 4 years, not married yet). I am 34 , he is 46. I messaged here several times before and I apologize for repeating but today i am really desparate for advice.
As many know, I for the longest part of our relationship ( 6 1/2 years) have lived on my own in an apartment to be close to work but moved into his house 2 years ago. He lives with his father and 3 sisters, a niece and nephiew – all in the house. 1 year ago, i got punched by the nephiew during an argument and I went back to my home country Germany for 1 year to lick my wounds. I couldnt find a job there though and we missed each other so i moved back to the USA this January into his house again ( he owns the deed 50/50 with his father).
Living with so many people is terrible because they dont work and I work for a big corporate and need my sleep. I have ambition and drive and just got a new job paying even more. But the drive would be at least 1h 20 min each way ( interstate ) and I would like to live closer. We have been house hunting but couldnt find anything in his town. He doesnt want to compromise and live closer to my work because he wants to be close to his family.
Now, some would just say – move out already – but the hard part is, i love that man after all. I am scared to be on my own., When i come home , we watch tv together and although we havent had sex in 3 years (he doesnt want to), its comforting having someone there for you.
I already applied to an appartment complex to move in next friday but i have so mixed feelings – being scared of being alone, new job, no one there at night.
But living in the house full of people is also not an option. Or am i being too dramatic? I dont know anymore. And if i do move in the apartment, how do i tell him? He says he loves me, but we dont have any intimacy. His family is tearing us apart. He wont move into an apartment with me.
sorry for the rambling but today is a bad day – i have to hand in my notice at my old job for the new one and i am due to sign the lease monday. I am soooo lost.
Post # 2
maxfluffy: Wait wait wait… You haven’t had sex in 3 years?! WHAT?!
Post # 3
Have you thought about getting a roommate? And as far as telling him, just remind him that it was his decision not to go with you. Stand your ground! One of the best things you could do for yourself is to get away from this toxic relationship.
Post # 4
When you are attached to someone and have been with him for years, breaking it off is a huge and difficult step. It is going to hurt. There is no way around that. But the sooner you do something to change your life, the better off you will be. In your heart, you know this is not going to work. You just want it to work, so you have been pretending that maybe it can.
Do you have a therapist? If not, maybe you could get one who could help you get the strength to do what you need to do.
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2018 - Omaha, NE
I’m sorry, but you’ve been engaged for 4 years and haven’t had sex in 3?!?! Move out dump him and his insane family!
Post # 6
somethingblueorgold: + 1
maxfluffy: Also, a nephew punched you?? And you left the country because of it, for 1 year??
Post # 7
personally I would have never moved in to a situation like that to begin with, his whole family living with him.
Post # 8
This sounds like an awful situation to be in. Between the assault, no sex AND his family being his number 1 priority I don’t see how you can live there another minute. Breaking up is scary and painful. The prospect of being alone is terrifying but you sound miserable. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? How is it that at 34 and 46 you’ve spent 4 years engaged and haven’t married and formed your own household? I’m sorry to say that this relationship looks like a dead end and it would be in your best interest to move on.
Post # 9
This isn’t a relationship. It’s something super dysfunction.
Girl, grow a backbone. Why are you settling for less than you deserve?
As for your question, pack your bags and tell him that you’re done.
He doesn’t care about you… he’s shown that by not moving out of an incredibly unhealthy living situation, by not putting your needs first, by not treating you like a fiancé (at all!!!).
This is not normal, it’s not healthy. Frankly, it sounds like he’s just using you, i’m assuming for money.
You deserve a real partner, you deserve to live in a calm environment that is a do-able distance to work, you deserve to be SAFE in your living space and you deserve intimacy.
Post # 10
This man is willing to do nothing for you. He never will. Don’t just move out. Break off this relationship completely, go no contact, and go build your self esteem. I highly recommend that you see a therapist as part of that process. There is something in you that makes you go back for more abuse from this man and his family.
Post # 11
Okay, does the nephew still live in that house with you?? If so, I just cannot believe that your Fiance is okay with your nephew still living with you when he PUNCHED you. If ANYONE punched me, for any reason, no matter who it was, my Fiance would take my side and would do anything so I didn’t have to associate with that person anymore. I really need more information from you on this incident because you kind of just breeze over it, but it is a really big deal to me!
Also, you haven’t had sex in 3 years?? What reason does your Fiance give for not wanting to have sex? Barring religious reasons (wanting to wait to have sex until marriage), I do not understand this. Are you okay with just never having sex again? If you have no intimacy, are you lovers or just friends?
Your job is an hour and 20 minutes away, your living in a house full of his family (who may include someone who PUNCHED you), and you’re miserable, yet your Fiance is unwilling to compromise by moving out? He does not sound like a man who is considerate of you, respectful of you, or a man ready to commit to you.
I understand that it is hard to be alone. But if you’re miserable as you are now, is it worth it just so that you have someone there at night? You may be scared and alone without him, but that will get better, and eventually you will find someone who is on your side and who does everything he can to make you happy. You deserve that. If your Fiance can’t give you that, it is time to move on.
Either way, it is beyond time to move out of that house. He will either move out with you (in which case I strongly recommend premarital counseling), or he won’t and you can learn how to be by yourself and find someone else.
Post # 12
I don’t understand what you are getting out of this, or why you ever moved into this situation not only once, but twice. It sounds like you are living in an awkward roommate situation. No sex, no interest by him in making any changes to improve the living situation, or to make any changes for you.
Super curious what HE did when his nephew punched you.
I am guessing you must help pay some of his expenses, because it sure does not sound like he is that interested in actually being your partner in life.
Honestly, just tell him. I doubt he will blink an eye.
You know who else will watch TV with you at night? A goldfish.
Post # 13
There is so much wrong with this. Dump him. Move out. Never speak to him again. It’s better to be alone thne in this hell.
Post # 14
maxfluffy: btw, his family isn’t tearing you apart. He is a grown man who makes his own decisions. He has made his – actions speak louter than words. Why aren’t you listening?
Post # 15
- Wedding: March 2018 - The Venue, Barkisland, UK
I’m sorry this doesn’t sound like a healthy happy relationship to me.
You sound like friends and you can be friends from a distance. If you were in what I personally would class as a romantic relationship, I’d expect him to be looking at how you can make this work and whether there is a compromise around one of you moving. It doesn’t sound like he’s willing to do that, sorry bee 🙁