Post # 1
I’ve talked about an ex-friend on the boards whenever someone has talked about a toxic friendship. I’ve explained how the toxic friendship negitively impacted my life and how ending it 2 years ago is one of the best things that ever happened to me. But, apparently, I’m not as zen about it as I thought I was.
Long story short: after YEARS of really a very one-sided friendship with “Blah” (who reveled in my misfortune, purposely gave bad advice to try to provoke drama and, finally, sent a horribly mean selfish text WHILE MY LITTLE SISTER WAS IN A COMA), I cut off all ties with her. My best friend and his partner had grown close to Blah and her partner over the years, so there was some discomfort related to them and I still once in a while hear about them because of my friends, but for the most part Blah is just completely out of my life and I’m the better for it.
Well, yesterday was a birthday brunch for my BFF’s partner. Blah couldn’t make it to brunch but she did show up at Starbucks, where a few of us were hanging out after. She hugged everyone (except Fiance and I) and said “Hi (myname)”. I said hi back but, honestly, my tone was really curt and I don’t think I even looked at her. Same when she left: “Bye (myname)” and me saying a venom-filled “bye” and not looking at her.
Here’s the thing: That’s stupid. I have no intention of ever being “friendly” with her, but I really REALLY want to stop feeling like I’d like to poke her eye out every time I see her! I’m tired of being angry at her. I’m tired of hoping something not catastrophic, but still sort of horrible happens to her. (Like when my BFF told me she was pregnant for the second time and I knew she ONLY wanted girls and was pretty devistated when her first was a boy, I hoped she had twin boys… who were hyperactive… and ugly.)
It’s petty and stupid and not at all who I am. So…. any great advice on letting that go and not wanting all her hair to fall out and not hoping her partner finds out she cheated three years ago and then convinced her family & friends that her partner was emotionally abusive so we would support her leaving for the person she cheated with? (See? I can’t help talking shit about her to perfect strangers! It has to stop!!)
TL:DR- How do you get past anger at someone you were hurt by?
Post # 3
@MexiPino: I’m bumping for you!
Post # 4
Oh lia! Honestly, you just have to learn to let it go. It’s perhaps going to take more time than you thought, and with all the negativity that the girl has thrown your way, I’m not all that surprised that you have a bit of negativity for her as well.
I have a hard time letting go of some of the anger that other people have created in me as well, but eventually, you just have to decide that it’s not worth your time or energy. I’m sorry I don’t have better advice, but it really is something you simply have to work through and let go.
Post # 5
@aithinne: I agree. It takes time. Honestly, we did this whole “break up” thing once before (and it lasted about 2 years). I actually went to therapy because of just staying really angry and hurt over it. Unfortunately, it helped me get over it to the point of letting her back in my life when she came crawling back! Definitely don’t plan to do that again so maybe that’s why I keep holding onto it. I dunno.
Post # 6
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Time is the only thing.
I’ve been in a similar place to you, and I think it’s great that you can recogniize that this anger is making you UN-YOU.
What I learned from my Hate Period:
1. no one really feels your hate but you, so don’t bother trying to get people to listen to you.
2. The person you hate is not worth the emotion/time/energy you are spending on her.
3. You can’t “turn off” the hate. You can’t “get over it.” Be patient and try try try to put your energy in other directions. Eventually you will move past it, but you can’t rush it.
4. Eventually, you will be so PAST the hate that you might even be able to be friendly with this person. I kid you not. It sounds totally insane, but it’s possible. At a certain point you will be over this and will totally totally NOT CARE.
Until then, let yourself feel what you feel.
Post # 8
Can you repeat whatever you did during therapy that led you to let go of it. Of course, now you have had the experience of letting her back in and regretting it. So, you know you won’t do that again.
I’m a proponent of fake it till you make it. Next time you have the opportunity to be around her or someone has a comment about her – make either a complimentary commment – or at least a neutral one.
Either that or find someone safe (and if your FI/DH isn’t the best choice – maybe a therapist is) and talk and talk and talk and talk about how much you hate her and what you hope happens. At some point hopefully you’ll get sick of hearing it yourself and allow yourself to move on.
Post # 9
@fascinated: That’s a good idea. I was in cognative therapy at the time and the woman gave me a workbook which I still have. I suppose I can go through it again.
I’m really good about being nuetral when my friends bring her up. My BFF’s partner was actually kind of talking shit on her a while back and I was able to tell him it was inappropriate to talk like that about his friends and she seemed happy so he should not put his expectations on her. It’s literally ONLY when I’m around her that I get this seething, raging anger. I think it’s because it was really like, she texted this horrible shit about how “no matter what is happening in my life, I shouldn’t be rude to her” because I told her I couldn’t deal with resolving a previous fight until after my sister woke up from her coma. So we just stopped talking after that and I never had that closure of telling her she’s batshit crazy and a horrible person, ya know? But I don’t want to have that conversation now… I just want her to, I don’t know, grow a third nipple on her forehead.
I’m more concerned because I really thought I was past it until yesterday and my BFF and his partner are getting married next summer so I’ll end up spending a whole weekend with all of them and I don’t want to just wallow in hate and anger the whole time.
Post # 10
@MexiPino: I think it’s great that you recognize this is something you need to move past. The reason why time usually helps is that you grow to realize that you have other, valuable friendships and the one with the ex-friend was an insignificant part of your life. You might be able to speed up that process by spending more time with your true friends and consciously reminding yourself that your current friendships give you the happiness that your old friendship did not.
Post # 11
@somethingaquamarine: Thank you so much! I talked to my female BFF about this today and, I think because she’s invested in me, she was all over just letting myself be an outright bitch to this girl forevermore. 🙂 Thankfully I don’t see her often, so it is very easy to just not think of her and let her be a very insignificant part of my life. Hopefully in time I can be more civil for the sake of our mutual good friends. Or maybe I’ll just let her be my outlet for every bitch inclination I ever have. 😛
Post # 12
I held a lot of hate/anger/resentment towards a former friend too, because of her actions and lies about those actions. Thankfully I don’t have to see her much, but we do run in the same circle of friends and I have to remain civil. I can also understand your feelings spiking when you have to be around her- IMO, it sounds like you haven’t had a chance to be heard. I’m not justifying what she said to you, but she probably thinks that she was in the right by telling you not to be rude- but she isn’t considering your viewpoint either.
If there would be a way to confront her (in a healthy, mature way- “I have unresolved feelings from our disagreement, can we talk this out?”) maybe you would have an easier time working through that stuff. I know it’s less work and feels less threatening to just wish for third nipples and such (lol at that, btw), but in the long run, what will be the most constructive approach for you?
I agree with PP that a lot of it is just time. Time to let the anger boil away, and for the resentment to simmer down. In the meantime, focus on the good things in life- friends you enjoy, time with family, a good book and a glass of wine (or three), going for a walk or run, a hot bath –whatever helps you relax and feel more centered.
Post # 13
@MexiPino: Read the book Forgive for Good. It helped me tremendously I hope it helps you as well:)
Post # 14
@MexiPino: you need to get past this. accept was has happened, accept that you no longer have a relationship with her and move on. a good way is to think about how much better your life is now that she is not involved in it. what are all of the positives that has happened since? how are you feeling since? focus on the wonderful things in your life.
i suggest to really look at yourself. are you truly happy with yourself? what can you do to improve who you are? i ask this because when an individual loves and accepts themselves for who they are, they are much more forgiving and accepting to others and their faults.
Post # 15
@MexiPino: I’ve been in this situaton before and I know how much it sucks. The pps on this thread have given a lot of great advice that I’m sure you’ll find very useful.
Firstly, I’d like to say that I’m sorry you’re in this situation and I’m sorry you suffered with this friend for so long. It’s great that you got it together and ended the friendship and I think it’s incredibly mature that you want to work towards being civil with this…nasty lady.
I think one of the most important things you have to remember is this: it’s okay to recognize that this ex-friend wronged you, and it’s also okay to have negative feelings about her. You don’t have to forgive this girl 100% or even 10% for all the bad stuff she did, you just have to let go of your anger. It’s fine to dislike someone (especially if they wronged you) and you don’t have to hide it either as long as it doesn’t poison your other relationships.
If you want to be civil with this girl then you don’t have to like her or defend her or pretend not to dislike her. You just have to be at a point where you can interact briefly without making everyone around you wildly uncomfortable. Civility is a courtesy that you perform for others, so when you feel like gouging her eyes out tell yourself that you’re doing this for your friends. You don’t owe this girl anthing and the politeness you are showing to her is not for her benefit. I always find it easier to swallow my bad feelings and be courteous when I remember that extending brief politeness to someone who I hate doesn’t mean I hate them any less – it just means I know how to behave like an adult.
IMO this process should be more about resolution and closure for you than any kind of forgiveness for her which is why I think saying positive things about her like a pp suggested is a bad idea. If you want to get closure on your feelings then write a letter to your friend telling her about all of the bad stuff that she did to you and how it made you feel. Get it all out, cry and be mad if you have to, and then just let go of all of those feelings. The friendship is over so I don’t think you’ll ever be able to tell her how you really feel, but maybe that’s a good thing. It means that bad part of your life is completely done with.
Good luck, I hope you find the strength to move on (I’m sure you will). Keep us updated x.
Post # 16
I had a very ugly, one-sided, cruel friendship end about a year ago, so to an extent, I understand where you’re coming from – though yours sounds worse.
This is a key thing to remember:
With people THAT ugly, they’re eventually going to get theirs. I was the 3rd or 4th friend to walk away from my ex-friend…and given his personality, that’s only going to continue to happen as time marches on.
It’s giving them enough rope to hang themselves without your interference, is what I’m saying. For me, it also helped to realize that even if I WAS wishing horrible things on this person (for me, that phase didn’t last long), I’d never get to see it and get any enjoyment out of it anyway, as crass as that sounds.
I also just decided that if I ever saw them again and they spoke to me first, I’d kill them with kindness and act like my life is completely awesome – even if it’s not. It’s about not even giving them an iota of satisfaction about their behavior. Sometimes, living up to your very best ideal – if even only in appearances – is one way to knock them dead. It’s vengeance without the preoccupation on wishing harm.