Post # 1
Sooo…my SO and I have been together for about 3 1/2 years. I moved back home after college to live with my parents (I know, a bit embarrassing) so I can save money and pay off my student loans faster. Though, it doesn’t really feel like I live at home since I am over at my SO’s studio apt 5-6 days a week. If I am commuting from my parents’ home, it takes me about 45 minutes to drive to work. If I am commuting from my SO’s apt, it takes me about an hour to get to work. Either way, the long commute has been sucking my soul away and I sometimes come home very irritated and tired.
SO and I have been talking for ages about getting a place together once I finish paying off my student loans, which will be in 2 months (assuming that I continue paying 10x the minimum each month like I’ve been doing for the past year). HOWEVER, lately he has been hesitant about moving because he recently started a really good job (more stable and better pay than his previous job) and only needs to walk 15 minutes to work! Before he got laid off from his previous job, he had to commute about ~25 minutes by train (less soul sucking than by car though) and we talked about moving to the midpoint of where we both work which would have saved both of us commute time. After he got laid off, he tried looking for jobs in the area where I work but had no luck (this is true because I’ve helped him look for jobs in his field in my area but could not find anything). Now he keeps flip-floping on the idea of moving to the midpoint of both our jobs since he’ll be adding 20 minutes to his commute. We’ve [or rather, he] changed plans so many times that I’m starting to get annoyed; everytime I talk to my friends, I tell them something different about our moving situation. The other day, I nearly went off my rocker when he asked me to “put myself in his shoes” because “it’s great having to only walk 15 minutes to work.” I snapped back with “I would love to be in your shoes! I’d rather walk 15 minutes to work than drive an hour to work in bumper to bumper traffic!” >:0
Am I being unreasonable? I told him that I might just find a place to live on my own and we’ll just see each other on the weekends. He said that he might feel hurt for a little while since we won’t see each other as often as we do now, but that he will get over it if that’s what I really want to do. That’s when he also said “I never said that I didn’t want to move in with you because I really do. The problem is the location of where we’d be moving….”
Anyway, I know this was a long post. What should I do? I have a feeling we’ll end up moving in together, but it’s a matter of where and when, not if. I love my SO and we’ve made some noise about getting married someday (that’s a diff story :P)…I want to live with him, but I’ve been doing this stupid commute for a year now and it’s making me crazy and putting a strain on our relationship. Would it be better for me to get a place on my own for now until he’s willing to move? I have this job for at least another year so finding another job is out of the question as of now. Any thoughts? Advice?
Post # 3
to be honest he comes off kind of selfish in your post. Its ok for you to have to drive an hour to and from work everyday but he cant add 20 minutes to his commute to make your life a little easier? If he really wont do it then you should get your own place if that is what will make your life easier. He might find out that only being together on the weekends isnt enough for him and suck it up and move in with you. I hope he comes around and it works out for you 🙂
Post # 4
you are not being unreasonable but to be honest i also see his side of things (because im spoilt by my work commute), why would he want to move to inconvenience himself when its going to cost him more money and time to travel to and from work
i guess for now you focus on paying off the loans and then i think you should look for something closer to work – they say absence makes the heart grow fonder so hopefully you will find a compromise
Post # 5
Truthfully, he needs to suck it up. When Fiance and I moved the two times that we have moved together, we picked an area that would give us equal commutes. Yea, ok it’s great to walk 15 minutes to work everyday, but part of being in a relationship is giving and taking and making the other person’s life easier and better. Boo hoo for him, he would have to drive 20 minutes everyday. In the end, you would be happier because you have a less stressful commute AND he would get to see you everyday! Either he is looking for an excuse or he is just being lazy and really…could you imagine a life with someone who doesn’t at least TRY to make things easier for you? Relationships are about being a team. Don’t cave. He needs to learn to give a little.
Post # 6
@masqueradestars: Relationships are about compromise and if he’s not willing to do it now, then he won’t be willing to do it in the future. Get your own place and then he can figure it out down the line what he wants. You gave him his chance. I would make him commute to my apt though at night to see me. Either way he’ll have to give.
Post # 7
He should move. He may or may not have that job for a long time. He can’t really choose that. But he CAN choose to may or may not see you everyday and/or have you in his life.
My commute is similar to yours so I know the feeling. My Fiance is closer to his work. Only takes him 20 mins drive as opposed to my 1 hr plus! But it is my decision not to move. ANY closer and the homes go up in prices like ‘effin’ crazy. And I don’t wanna move just 5-10 mins closer. I wanna move AT LEAST 20 mins or more closer.
Post # 8
1. Can you take public transportation to work?
2. Is there any midpoint that would give you both a similar commute by public transportation?
3. What are prices like in the various neighborhoods you’re considering? Crime? Amenities?
4. Is there any disparity in hours at work? (Does one of you work part time and the other full, does one of you work 40 or 45 hours and the other 60?)
5. Are either of you in jobs with irregular hours or that require being on call for emergencies?
6. Are you considering renting or buying?
7. Is either of you dissatisfied with your current job/considering leaving within the next 24 months? (if possible, and for reasons other than location/commute)
I think living in a place where at least one of you can commute without a car is awesome, because it means you can be a one car household, which can make a big difference when you factor repairs/payment/insurance/parking/fuel into the equation. But it also means one of you will likely have a worse commute than the other.
Post # 9
I don’t think you should move in with him. I think you should get your own place closer to work and then I would make him come to you or at least take turns and defintely don’t give in and go to him if he whines about coming to see you.
Probably not everyone feels this way but I don’t think I would move in with someone unless it was more serious (I wouldn’t want to have the mess that would go with breaking up with someone you live with). And the fact that he would miss you at first but get over it sounds like the relationship is more just convenience for him and not taking you into consideration. I’m not there or know the whole story obviously so I could be mistaken I know.
Other things to take into consideration. Darling Husband and I are about to move from my 20 minute commute and his 45 min both driving to him having a 15 min walking commute and me having a 45 min bus commute. But this is smarter for us in that we will cut down on gas significantly and also, his job is permanent and he takes call at the hospital whereas mine is not. If mine were more permanent then we would find a middle ground.
Post # 10
I’m in the same situation as you, Talishazwi. My commute is about an hour and fifteen minutes each way, which sucks! My husband’s commute is only 20 minutes. However, his job is something that he could retire from (and pays twice what I make) and my job is horrible anyway, so I’m hoping to not be there much longer. If my job were more permanent, we would have moved closer to a halfway point for each of us.
Post # 11
Thanks for all the advice, everyone! I just sent him an email and we’re going to discuss this later tonight. I know ultimatums are not good, but I just gave him one! 😛 I said if he doesn’t want to move by November, then I’m getting my own place. Not completely sure, but sounds like he’s willing to move now! We’ll see!
@ Elvis:As of right now, I cannot take public transportation to work unless I want to add more time to my commute, which also means waking up earlier. Even if we did move to where I want and take public trans, it would still be another 2 miles from the train station to my job (so I’d either have to bike or take the bus). Both of us work full time regular hours, 40 hours. Sometimes I have to stay later, but I am able to leave earlier the next day if I do though this is maybe once a month. Also, I plan to stay at this job for another year and a half and then go to grad school.
It’s nice to hear from people in similar situations who were able to work things out with their partners!