Post # 1
Hey friends! I’m new here but I couldn’t think of anywhere else to post because my boyfriend follows r/relationships and I don’t quite want him knowing 100% of my thoughts on this matter yet.
So my boyfriend and I first met about 11 months ago. We DTR early November 2018. He is great, and I see a future with him. We’ve discussed having children and marriage, and are on the same page about that (that it is likely to happen, but not sure exactly when yet). He has a great career and throughout our relationship, it has been discussed that his career may take him (and maybe us) to another state someday. I have made my opinion known that I would want to get engaged at the least before ever moving out of state for love. He is totally understanding of this. We’ve also had recent conversations about getting engaged and I said I’d like to be together at least a year first.
Trouble comes in when you consider that he is looking at leaving his company SOON. He’s looking at jobs in other states, because I’ve said that if he needs to find a job out of state to further his career, then he needs to do what works best for him and we’d figure out the rest. I’m worried that making the tough decision to follow him out of state is coming up more quickly than anticipated.
Things to consider:
- I am a licensed professional so to transfer my career out of state will be a P in the A. I’ll have to get my license transferred over and that sometimes is very complicated and time consuming.
- He works in tech and has more opportunity than I do to work remotely.
- He makes about 2x as much money as I do so as a couple it makes sense to prioritize his career.
- He already lives 5 hrs from family but I would be moving more than an hour away from mine for the first time in my life.
- I’ve only been at my current job for 4 months.
I don’t want to move states for someone until we’re engaged. But I also don’t REALLY feel ready to be engaged yet either. And I definitely don’t want to get engaged/married to fulfill my silly rule so I can move across state lines with him. It’s looking like what may happen, IF he chooses to take a job elsewhere, is that I’ll hang back and we’ll do the long-distance thing until we’re both ready to get married, and then I’ll start preparing the transfer of my professional license. But idk man. Life is hard. Decisions are hard.
TL;DR: My boyfriend is looking at jobs in other states and it’s stressing me out! Do you have any hard rules about moving for a relationship? Under what circumstances would you move far away for love?
Post # 2
It took me 18 months to find the right job out of state. I would cross that bridge when he gets a job.
Post # 3
I think hard and fast rules are silly and don’t help—- the real question is are you treating each other’s needs seriously and making sure everybody is being treated honestly and given real opportunities.
My husband moved for my job when we had been dating for two years, because he was able to get a good job not far from where work was taking me. Neither of us was ready to get engaged. I was clear that I wasn’t ready to get married and that he didn’t HAVE to move, but he wanted to deepen our relationship and felt like it wouldn’t hurt his career.
Now that we are married my job once again took me elsewhere, but this time the location WOULD hurt his career, so I now commute a two hour flight to another city for four days a week (not every day! I head out for four days) and then come back to where he lives. He’s been clear he would move if I asked him—- but I love where we live the rest of the time and I’m not ready to have him sacrifice his career (and he mkes much more than I do but would take a hit for my career—who gets to advance their career shouldn’t be decided just by money!)
In each case we did what worked to balance our interests. No hard and fast rule would have helped us. What DID help was being upfront with each other and not asking anything the other person couldn’t give up without too much regret.
Post # 4
personaperson : It’s great to hear you’re making it work in your relationship! Makes me relax a bit about mine. Lol. To be fair, I don’t think me moving would stop me from advancing my career completely. I would likely be able to find a comparable job whereever we moved. It would just be a hassle! Haha. I think the bigger hesitance for me is jumping on the bandwagon of leaving friends and family behind for him. Tough choice to consider when you’re not quite ready to commit your life to someone yet.
Post # 5
I moved overseas to be with Darling Husband after one year of dating long distance. It was a great choice for our relationship and he proposed after being together for 2.5 years. However, I moved right after my undergrad degree and got into a masters program in his country, so I was definitely at a different and more flexible stage in my life. I can’t tell you what is right for your situation, but I just wanted to give an example of how my life turned out wonderfully when I moved to be with someone as just a girlfriend. I think a lot of bees have a hard and fast “no way” rule for this situation, but my experience proves one rule doesn’t always work for everyone!
Post # 6
Look, nothing is even happening yet. You’re doing what I used to do: worrying your head about things that haven’t even happened yet. Just because he’s looking doesn’t mean he’s moving anytime soon.
Just cross that bridge if/when it comes. Seriously. I don’t really see a problem here tbh- you prefer to be together at least a year before getting engaged. It’s been 11 months. If you’re still not ready to get engaged, no problem! Just give it more time. Chances are you will both be engaged before (if) he even moves states. Worst case scenario, he moves and you go LD for a few months.
Also, as someone is also a licensed professional, and who is also in the process of applying for licensure in two other states at the same time, if you eventually have to move, it’s not that big a deal to get your license in another state. Yes it takes time, but you’re worrying too much about it. I have to get my license in two other states in order to process cases in other jurisdictions. And I’m not even moving anywhere lol. If I can do it, so can you haha.
Take a breath and let things happen. Everything will unfold the way it should. That’s how it’s worked out for me anyway!
Post # 7
zl27 : I appreciate the input! I don’t think it would take him that long, to be fair. I think the fields might be different as he’s getting multiple emails from recruiters a week. That being said, you’re absolutely right that he hasn’t decided yet, and I should chill a bit and worry only when I need to.
Post # 8
bathbombsnfacepalms : If I were in your shoes, and he found a job tomorrow, I wouldn’t move out of state with someone I don’t yet want to be engaged to. At this point, I would put my career first, and stay where I am. I would try the long distance thing, and if it made me feel like I absolutely couldn’t be without him, I would consider moving only if we had a commitment of engagement. If he does get a job offer, I would probably consider getting my license in his new state to make the transition easier. If you applied for employment, your license would allow you to transfer more quickly. But like other Bees have suggested, cross that bridge when you get there; he’s only entertaining the idea.
Post # 9
sapphire27 : Haha, your example means a lot to me! I think it’s good for me to hear other stories of how people handled similar dilemmas. Happy to hear t worked well for you!
Post # 10
neverbeenstungbee : Thanks for the reminder! I am a chronic over-worrier and I need to stop it. Lol. Also- best of luck on your licensure!
Post # 11
Are you only moving 1hr away? That’s not a lot, you could easily do ‘long distance’ for a while.
Post # 12
Post # 13
I moved from New York to Australia for Darling Husband back when we were just boyfriend/girlfriend. It was nervewracking and I did feel a bit uneasy and like I was assuming way more risk. But our circumstances dictated that we had to do long distance for 14 months before I could move and man… that was hard. At the end of the day I reasoned that my quality of life was way higher with him than without him and so I went. We wound up getting engaged about 6 months after I moved over and I’m glad we didn’t do it before just because. I think I would have felt insecure that he was proposing just to please me rather than because we were both ready and certain had he done it before I moved over.
Like other bees have said, there are no hard and fast rules that can be applied to every relationship. You have to measure the circumstances as they come. I also had to apply for licensure for my field in Australia and it took me about 6 months to find a good job. But, kind of like your situation, my Darling Husband is the bigger earner and he basically paid for nearly everything until I got my feet on the ground. Considering the sacrifices I made, I was comfortable with that and felt it was fair. Just do make sure you’ve had those discussions before you make a choice.
Also FWIW, Darling Husband and I had only been together about 6 months before we were separated by his job. So, just because you haven’t been together long enough to be 100% sure, doesn’t mean it won’t work. Doesn’t guarantee it will, of course. Just thought I’d share my happy ending. 🙂
Post # 14
It sounds like the two of you communicate very candidly and openly which is a major plus.
Usually I say ‘no move without a commitment’ to Bees who are contemplating moving for a boyfriend- but these are generally Bees who have been with their partner for literally years while he makes excuses for why they can’t get engaged. But you sound like the exception to the rule- this sounds like a healthy relationship with a guy on the same page as you, so I could see this working.
However- I do think you need to take a wait and see approach until you have more concrete information to go by. If he’s only an hour away, that’s a totally do-able commute on a regular basis, there would be no need for you to move when you can continue to see each other semi-regularly. I’ve had jobs where I’ve had a daily commute of 1 hour * each way. Even a 3 or 4 hour distance would allow for semi-regular visits, though admittedly not as often as a 1 hour distance. If he’s moving clear across the country, then you may want to consider moving with him, getting your license there etc.
Post # 15
- Wedding: July 2020 - City, State
I think it’s great that you are already thinking about this becasue the more you weigh pros/cons, the more you will be ready if he decides to relocate. Good luck!