Post # 1
I met a guy online in May, we hit it off really well, started a relationship and things are going great. However, he lives in a different city, roughly 870 miles (1400km) away. We both have stable jobs and are 28 and 34. We have discussed one of us moving, and it makes more sense for me to move to him because he has his own established business with a stable customer base and employs a number of people.
However, I am scared about the move. I love my job in my current city and all my family and friends are here. If I move, it means getting a new job, making new friends and not having my family and friends as a support system near by if I need them.
I am willing to take the risk because I love my boyfriend and believe we could have a great future together, but I am still scared of giving up the job I love and not having friends and family around me.
Another thing that concerns me is that we have been doing the long distance relationship thing for the past 6 months, seeing each other every second weekend, sometimes every weekend. So when I move in, it will be the first time we are with each other for a long period while working, and experience ‘real’ life and not just short weekends.
Any advice from fellow Bees who have done the long distance thing and then moved to be with your SO?
Post # 2
sagirl321 : I would be very hesitant to move to a new city with someone I’ve been dating long distance for only 6 months, who you only see a couple weekends per month. I get that a long distance relationship must be hard but I would give it some more time.
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA
I would not move to a whole new city away from friends and family to live with a guy I’ve been seeing long distance for such a short amount of time, either. If I did move, it would be to my own place in said city, but I would not live with him that soon.
My advice, Bee, is to secure a job there and begin looking for a place of your own to live. Move when you find the job/place. That way, you’re close enough to see each other often, but not living together when you aren’t even sure at this point that you two will co-habitate well. Grow your relationship from there. You can always choose to move in together later on, but if you go with no job and no place of your own and things don’t work out, you’re stuck in a new city with no job, no friends, and nowhere to live.
Post # 4
futuremrs2020 : Thank you for your comment. I know we have only been dating for 6 months, however what will waiting longer achieve? We will still only see each other every 2 weeks until then. I believe you only really know someone once you live with them. Logically the next step in our relationship is to move in together, however the decision would be much easier if we lived in the same city.
Post # 5
somedaymrsj : Thank you, this is good advice. I would never move without a job, that is far too risky for me, even if I was going to move in with him first. But, I do like your suggestion about getting my own place first and going from there.
Post # 5
Considering you haven’t known each other for even a year yet, I really think you might be moving a little too fast. I would only move for someone who is seriously committed to me, and I just don’t think you can know someone that well in less than a year, but especially when you’ve done long distance throughout your entire relationship. You don’t know how you both like to live your life as far your home goes, habits, flaws, etc. because you’re still in the honeymoon phase. As much of a great idea it seems to move to him, you’re putting yourself out there and taking a HUGE risk, and also being the one to sacrifice everything for him. Where is he sacrificing for you in this?
Post # 7
somedaymrsj : 100% agree with your second paragraph.
OP, get your own place once you have found a job there.
Post # 8
I would be very, very hesitant to move in WITH him at this point.
Nothing wrong with making the move to see if it works out, but given that he will already be your main point of contact and support system there, it seems like a really bad idea to move in with him instead of getting your own place. What happens if it doesn’t work out? At least if you have your own place, you will have your own space to be able to sort out what to do from there. If you are living with him where will you go if it doesn’t work out?
It just doesn’t strike me as a wise move at this point.
Post # 9
I dated a guy long distance for 2 years, and he found a new job and relocated to live with me. We lived together for a year, and we eventually broke up. I’m not saying this will happen to you, but the transition from seeing each other on the weekends every few weeks to living together was VERY HARD. Not only that, we had dated for 2 years prior. I agree with other Bees – if you’re going to move to his city, get your own place.
Post # 10
If you choose to move, I would definitely get your own residence (and a job) rather than cohabitate with him. It will allow your relationship to develop more naturally. I’d worry that moving in would be too much of a shock and you’d quickly regret it. Good luck, Bee!
Post # 11
I agree with the others. I don’t have any personal experience with this, but to me it just seems too fast.
Post # 12
Is marriage on your mind? A future engagement? Do you have a hope or a mental timeline in place? If so… discuss these things before you move.
Do not uproot your life to be with a man who isn’t explicitly on the same page. And I mean super explicit, along the lines of… “If we like each other as much by x date in y year, we will be engaged. If we are not engaged, we will break up and you will provide me $Z dollars to move back. You will put this cash in an account in my name, with incremental payments each month.”
If you are thinking “this is the first big step toward forever”, it makes sense go through the hassle of packing up your life, move into a man’s home (thereby limiting your dating and social options), get further away from your support and social circles. However, he has absolutely no skin in the game beyond emotions. If you break up, you’re the one out on your rear. Protect yourself.
Post # 13
sagirl321 : I mean i wouldn’t ever move for a guy to another city where I had to uproot my life without an engagement but that is just me. Not worth it to start over with no solid promise of forever. I know that puts you in a hard place but think carefully about how much you are investing by moving for him. It is A LOT.
Post # 14
ladyjane123 : I know what you mean. We have spoken about marriage. We are both older, and we know what we do and don’t want in a relationship and have been clear about that from the very beginning. I feel it’s a bit of a catch 22 as I would not get engaged to someone without living with them first, but moving to a new city is risky. That being said, I like everyone’s idea of moving to my own place first and taking it from there.
Post # 15
- Wedding: May 2020 - Clarksville, VA
sagirl321 : My now fiancé and I were four hours apart until I moved 8 months into the relationship. I moved from a small city to a tiny town. I was able to transfer with my job, but I work an hour from home. Before I moved the longest we’d spent together at once was about 48 hours. We typically saw each other every two weeks in the beginning, for about 19 hours at a time. Then it turned into weekly for either the 19 hours or about 8 hours. I was definitely a little worried, but I also knew he was the one, so I went for it. I have zero regrets.