Moving to a different city to be with my boyfriend…

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee

sagirl321 :  I must say I find it quite peculiar how it always “makes more sense” for the woman to give up her entire life and move for a relationship…

Post # 18
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee

sagirl321 :  well if that truly is the case, I’d recommend waiting another year to see if it still “makes more sense” for you to move, or if he can work out some arrangements between now and then. do not uproot your life and cut yourself off from your entire support network, secure income, and familiar location for a man you’ve only been dating 6 months. the risk is compounded by you guys being long-distance. you do not truly know someone after 6 months even if you’ve seen them 5x a week continuously—someone you’ve only seen intermittently over a 6 month period is still basically a stranger. you don’t know his habits, you don’t know what he’s like when he’s angry, frustrated, sad, or overjoyed because you’ve not experienced those moments with him in person on a consistent basis.

 

I’d say this is a bad move even if you’d been dating him in-person for only 6mos…but moving hours away for him would be a HORRIBLE decision, bee. don’t do it.

Post # 19
Member
2688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

sagirl321 :  OP I did this when I was 21. Met my then Boyfriend or Best Friend (now husband) overseas, got together officially a few days before I went home, and then dated long distance for a year. I then moved overseas so that we could be together, and we lived together straight away. I didn’t know anyone else in the country where I moved. And it worked out perfectly! After 1.5 years of living together he proposed, and we are now happily married living back in my home country. I like you would never get engaged to someone without living together first, so we were both very happy with the timeline in that sense. 

Two differences between our situations: he had come to visit me and we had travelled together for months at a time, so we knew that we were ready to move in together because we had already spent so much consecutive time together. Is there a way you could take a longer trip or something together before you move? I think it can really bring out the best and worst in realtionships. Also at 21 I didn’t feel like I was giving up anything career-wise, I had just finished my undergrad and was accepted into a MSc in my new country before I moved. So I moved for him, but I made sure that I had my own life there as well. I think its a very good call to make sure you have a job to go to before you move. 

Honestly.. if it doesn’t work out you can always move back. That was my exact mindset going in to the move, but luckily it never came to that. Good luck OP!

Post # 21
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

sagirl321 :  I hear you. Well than perhaps it would do you both some good to really talk through the big deal breakers just to double check there isn’t something obvious you aren’t seeing that would make the relationship tank. 

Do you both want kids? How many? Would you agree on how to raise them in a certain religion? Or with certain morals or beliefs? If you couldn’t have kids for some reason would you both be ok with adopting? 

How do you both feel about money and saving and spending habits? What would your family plan be? Would you want to be a stay at home mom? Or keep working? Which does he prefer? Does he have any strange family attachments to his mom that would make him choose her over you? What is his relationship like with his family? What about you? 

What would your lives look like in 10-15 years? Do you both have the same life plan and goals? Do you see marriage as the same committment and role as each other? Like to him is marriage a 50/50 partnership? Would he make decisions with you? or about you? 

If you are moving to his city at only 6 months in, do whatever you can to really assess if you are a good fit or not aside from emotions. 

Post # 22
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee

sapphire27 :  I must say—uprooting your life and moving away at 21 when you’re not really established in your career is not as big of a risk as moving when you’re 28 and have a steady career…when you’ve already made it into a specific career field and you up and leave, you may not have anything to come back to. It isn’t so easy to “just move back” anymore when you can no longer find a job in your old city.

 

I’m really not trying to be a negative Nancy, but for most people, moving your entire life for a 6 month long-distance relationship is not a well thought out life move. Sure, you should grow and take chances, but the catalyst for that change should not be just a boyfriend of 6 months. Throw living together/becoming financially intertwined into the mix with someone you barely know…who knows what you may get. The risk, to me, significantly outweighs the potential reward. If they love each other as much as they think, they’ll (by “they”, I mean OP since she’d be the only one taking a risk here) make it work and get to know each other a little better before making such a semi-permanent move. 

 

OP, is anything about the new location appealing to you besides your boyfriend? If so, could you afford to live on your own for a little while just so you guys can see each other more, but there’s not so much dependence on your behalf? 

Post # 23
Member
2688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

sagirl321 :  Yes absolutely, I do know what you mean. To be honest I think that travelling can be even more stressful than regular everyday life, but obviously sometimes the stress of living together for a long period is different than travelling. For example, I had a friend who I lived with for years in university without issue. We travelled together after graduation for a couple of weeks, and the strain that it put on our friendship resulted us not speaking for over a year afterwards. 

I just wanted to offer my perspective from someone who never did the standard: dating in the same city, gradually increasing sleepovers to 5 nights a week over the years, and then moving in together (sometimes even after engagement) timeline that many couples have. The transition from long distance to living together went great for us, and I was as confident as I could be that we would be compatible because we had spent a lot of time together travelling. Honestly, it was like a dream come true when I could finally see him every day! 

I also wanted to give you a different perspective from the majority of the opinions here. Sometimes you fall in love with someone who does not live in the same city as you. Sometimes people have to make changes or sacrifices for relationships. And sometimes you break up and sometimes it ends really well!

Post # 24
Member
2688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

happiekrappie :  Yes absolutely, I agree with you on that point. That’s why I mentioned to OP that moving at 21 with no career is not the same as moving at 28 with an already established job. I just wanted to offer generally that sometimes people can take risks and move for LDRs, and it can turn out well. And I’m not sure what field OP is in and how true this would be in her situation, but many people often move cities and manage to find other jobs. But I also stated that I would absolutely not recommend she move without finding a new job first. 

Post # 25
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I dated my now-husband for 6 years long distance before we got married. Our situation was a little unusual; I was doing my medical residency in a city 1000 miles away from him and he had a good stable job he didn’t want to give up. Since we knew my residency had an end point, we just waited it out and I found a job in his city once I was done with training. I did move in with him (actually I married him) immediately after making the transition from long distance, but we had been together for so long at that point that I had zero reservations about it. We had spent weeks at a time together and traveled internationally together, and experienced a lot of important events together. You don’t HAVE to be in the same place for your relationship to progress. It makes it easier, but in a way, being long distance for so long actually strengthened my relationship with my husband. We’ve been married for five months, so still early, but things are really wonderful.

I do think the advice of previous bees is good. Moving to his town and getting your own apartment and seeing where your relationship goes is very reasonable. If you were living in the same town already, would you be planning to move in together after 6 months of dating? I wouldn’t move faster on that regard just because you’re moving to town for him.

Post # 27
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee

I did this for my now husband (then boyfriend). We knew each other for 4 years prior to dating, so we knew each other well besides our 6 months dating. We were driving back and forth to see each other every weekend or so which was about 8 hours worth of driving. I eventually applied to 1 job where he lived and another job in my hometown, and ended up getting the job offer in my hometown first. Moving there brought us 4 hours closer to each other. 2 months later I got the other job offer and he asked me to move up and find a place together. I took a huge risk and decided to go up there to be with him, and I’ve got to tell you it was not easy. It meant that the only people I knew there were his family members. We fought like crazy our first year living together. I hated the job I got originally and the next job I found wasn’t much better so our financial system was stressful. We had kinks to work out cohabitating together. I felt like I had no support system other than him, so no one to really understand what I was going through. However, we stuck it through and figured out how to communicate with each other. I eventually went back to school and made a support system. He supported me through that. We are now married and have a home together! The road wasn’t easy, but for us it ended up being worth it and even though my friends and family thought I was crazy for moving here after 6 months in my heart I knew it was right. If you think this might be the guy that’s “the one”, it might just be worth the risk. Lots of things to think about, good luck with your decision! 

Post # 28
Member
77 posts
Worker bee

That’s great that you have taken a long vacation together. I would still give it a bit more time. Maybe take your next vacation to stay with him and try to have interviews lined up. That might give you an idea of what regular life there would look like and see if you even like the area. It is a major adjustment to move away from your entire support network. What if you do get married and have kids? Would you be ok not being near family or would he consider uprooting his company at that point?

Post # 29
Member
11446 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

My Darling Husband and I met online and were long distance. We were on the same page while we were only communicating online and by phone that we each were seeking only a relationship that would lead to marriage. Like you, I had to be the one to uproot my entire life and relocate, since my Darling Husband had shared custody of his minor children and could not move.

We saw each other about two weekends a month for almost six months prior to our getting engaged. He knew very early on that I was the one for him and indicated that he planned to propose to me. I thought it was very likely that he was the one for me, but I needed more time. Although we looked at rings very early on, I didn’t want him to make a purchase until I was sure that I would say yes when he asked me to marry him. At the five month mark, I knew he was the one and let him know he could proceed with his plans.

I did not relocate until after we were married. In fact, I had to spend nearly the entire first year of our marriage splitting my time between his state and mine until I could sell my house and wrap up my job.

I will say that leaving my amazing and happy life in a city where I had lived and worked and made dear friends over a period of 25 years as an adult, relocating to another state, and starting a whole new life in marriage has been one of the most challenging things I have ever done. It absolutely is not for the faint of heart.

I would not ever have made such a move until I was married. But I understand why others would rather relocate first to get to know their SO more. 

Post # 30
Hostess
3768 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

happiekrappie :  I agree completely.  D.H. and I were long distance for two years (after dating for four years in the same city previously) and he moved to me.  I don’t get why it’s always the woman who is expected to move.  Everyone thought it was bizarre that I didn’t move to him (and uproot my city-specific niche career!) but thankfully D.H. did not share that mindset and was happy to make the move. 

Moving to an SO’s city after 6 months of long distance seems REALLY fast to me.  Even with 4 years of same city dating, I felt like adjusting after long distance was harder than the actual long distance portion.  It’s hard to explain, but relationships are very rose colored when you’re in an LDR.  We would see each other about once a month, and I would look forward to that as a vacation almost.  It was more fun than relationship building (which is fine too, we were super young!). 

I would personally not give up my career and friends and city for an SO of 6 months, but agree with PP that if you are completely set on it, I would absolutely not move without a good, exciting job opportunity secured, your own place, and a mutual agreement on your relationship timeline.  One of my close friends moved for her SO without a mutually agreed timeline, and she’s still waiting (I suspect she will be until they break up).  It’s much harder to move back than it is to spend another year in an LDR and make sure this relationship is going where you want it to go. 

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