Moving to a different city to be with my boyfriend…

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee

sagirl321 :   I did this. I sold everything and moved across the country for my bf. I don’t regret it. 

 

I wI’ll say, it’s harder than you think. Things haven’t followed the plan, I’ve had to be super patient and flexible. It is a source of stress. 

Post # 32
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

 I would get engaged first before making such a big move like that…. I would need some sort of reassureance or commitment because doing something like that is a big deal to me 

Post # 33
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

You seem like an intelligent and mature person, especially from your last post about only making the move if it would benefit you career-wise.

This might not be of much help to you because I’m coming from a completely different place, but I wouldn’t do this. As others have said, at 6 months you’re still in the honeymoon phase, especially in an LDR. I wouldn’t be confident that I knew the person enough to move in with them. But I do see how it prevents the relationship from moving forward, so I probably wouldn’t have entered it at all.

Getting your own place seems to be a good compromise.

Post # 34
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

sagirl321 :  this is 0 to 60 real fast. I mean, that coming from someone who moved across the country on a whim to be with my now husband after 4 months. But you’re so established where you are…what’s your relationship like? Are you over the moon in love, cant imagine your life without him, heartbroken when you have to leave eachother?

Post # 35
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

sagirl321 :  do you have vacation time built up at work or can you afford to take some time off and go stay up there with him for a couple of weeks/a month? Just to get a feel for the day to day life and see him in his natural environment? Or can you ramp up the visits to every weekend or during the week to get a more realistic experience?

Like most of the others, I would be concerned that 6 months is too soon to uproot your whole life. 

Post # 37
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

So I moved from my hometown 80 miles away to be with my partner. At that point we had been together a month and a half. We’ve now been together over two years. 

Was it fast? Yes. But did I feel it was the right move for us? Absolutely. 

No one can advise you too much on what’s best for you but you’re taking this seriously and making smart decisions. 

It was nerve wracking and terrifying and I was scared I was gonna regret it. I’ve yet to regret my decision. 

Post # 38
Member
41 posts
Newbee

Well, of course, it is risky and there is no guarantee that your relationship is going to workout – even with an engagement or marriage in place. Those are contracts and promises that can be broken. That’s life.

Now, what the others have suggested is a good way to keep the risk as low as possible, i.e. to still keep yourself independent of your boyfriend until you’ve seen he’s really somebody you can count on. At six months in it’s still early and you guys may or may not be still in the honeymoon phase. Luckily time is a friend in that case. Until you’ve figured out you want to “cement” your relationship you can just keep dating close – distance. If it doesn’t work out you’ve got your own job and your own place and from there you can figure out if you still want to stay around or pack up and move back home. Personally, if I moved, I’d stay as moving can be quite expensive. So what I’d do in your shoes: Figure out if I even wanted to move on my own – without considering the boyfriend. Is it a place I like? Am I ready for some change in my life? Do I want to put my knees into building a new life for myself? If the answer is yes, I’d just get cracking on it and the boyfriend is a lovely perk. If not, just wait a little longer.

Or you could do like some of the other bees, move anyway and hope for the best. The choice is yours.

Post # 39
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

I met my Girlfriend on facebook a little over 2 years ago (mutual friends)  we lived about 1000 km from each other, talked everyday (chat, phone, skype..) she visited me for the first time on Jan 11 th 2017, since then we found the way to visit each other for months until I asked her to move in with me, which she did (aug 2017)   We then both of us got job offers somewhere else (Tulum :)) and moved here on Jan 2018, we just got a House. 

I´m planning to propose on Jan 11 2019 (ring on the way 😀 )

Post # 40
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

ivyfall :  80 miles isn’t really considered long distance to me , you cannot compare a 80 mile move to a thousand mile move it is a huge difference. I am glad everything worked out for you but OP is talking about a major move. 

Post # 41
Member
369 posts
Helper bee

Haven’t read the other comments, but if you can swing the vacation time, go out there for a week or so, or as long as you can. Living with someone during “normal life” with work and stress and normal activities is way different than seeing them on weekends or going on a vacation. Trust me. It was eye opening for me and I was in a very similar situation. 

Post # 42
Member
341 posts
Helper bee

My husband wanted me to move to CA with him when we had been dating for 9 months, so that he could go to his dream grad school.  (We were serious, and talking marriage at the time.)  I told him I would never stand in the way of his dreams, but I was not moving to CA with him.  

I feel like men ALWAYS expect the woman to drop whatever they are doing to support their ambitions and careers.  My career is important too!  Given that I make more money currently, have an advanced degree, and have sacraficed a lot to get where I am, my career is at least as important as his.  By the way, he decided to go to a different school nearby which is also a top ranked instituion.  I also felt like it set a good precedent in our relationship.  Its not all about the man.  (I have seen so many women give up their careers for men.  Lady, a relationship is lovely, but the ability to support yourself and your future children is priceless.)

If you want to move to your boyfriend’s city for yourself, I might consider moving in your position.  If the city offers you good career prospects, and is a place that you want to live even if you and he break up, then go.  However, as PPs have mentioned, get your own place.  

Also, its a lot harder to break up once you’ve combined finances, living spaces, bought property…  Wait to do all those things until you are married.  Its also hard to find jobs long distance, so moving back to your home might be harder then you expect if things don’t work out.  Definately only move if you would be happy relocating by yourself in the long term alone.  

Post # 43
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I would be very hesitant over dropping everything and everyone for a man I’ve only met for 6 months, especially if:

(a) I love my current job.

(b) I am very close to my family and friends.

My advice is for you to make a cons and props list and think how this change could affect your life beyond your relationship with your bf: Do you make new friends easily? Is there a chance for you to find another job you’d love in this new city? Do you need a support system or can you deal with life problems alone? Etc.

 

Post # 44
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee

I just wanted to add to my last reply, I would NOT do this again without being engaged FIRST. It’s a huge sacrifice and committment for you to make, you should expect the same in return. 

MY Boyfriend or Best Friend had asked and promised marriage many times before I came. Really, our serious plan is WHY I came, I would not move my life for ‘just a boyfriend’. 

Our engagement was supposed to happen within 6 months. It never happened. It’s been 2 years since…and I am still waiting, despite several promises of proposal he reneaged on . 

He has actually said, why not leave them as they are now! So, when they don’t have to sacrifice or make the same 50/50 committments, things may never change… That is my only regret, that we were not engaged FIRST. Now, I will not move or buy a house with him without that engagement. 

Post # 45
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

If you’re flying he should be buying. I wouldn’t move without a proposal, job (you’ve already addressed) and some sort of financial backing. He should pay for your move and put up the deposit on your place there needs to be mutual investment in the relationship so that it’s not just you putting your whole self in while he gets to be undisrupted. It’s way too early to combine finances . What if it doesn’t work out? Don’t put yourself into a trap where you’re the only one with something to lose.

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