Post # 17
Call me old-fashioned, but I’d be downright offended if the envelope insinuated that my husband had taken my name when indeed he hadn’t as it looks like when you write Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe. I would stick to the traditional, because even if someone doesn’t like it that way, it’s widely accepted rather than trying out a new weird way. If including the man’s first name is weird to you, maybe just Mr. and Mrs. Smith is correct, because as long as Jane has changed her last name to Smith, then this is her legal and preffered name. If she didn’t, them both names will need to be on there. As an unmarried woman I still bristle when I’m not given the option to go by Miss. Ms should be available to women who prefer it, but Miss can still refer to unmarried women of any age.
As a side note, ettiquette is about courtesy and making others feel comfortable and respected, not a set of rules. It is right to do what you think would make your guests the most pleased. I just would feel most pleased by the most traditional way.
Post # 18
I really don’t see how "John and Jane Doe" makes it look like John took Jane’s last name?
(on a side note: I would actually be delighted rather than offended if someone thought my hubby took my name!! Although it would never happen.)
Post # 19
um i dont see a problem with it – i like the mr& mrs… i dont see how that takes away my own identity and really – it’s splitting hairs to me
in the end go with what you feel comfy doing 🙂
Post # 20
We just sent out our invitations and didn’t use "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" either. One reason was because I was afraid I’d forget some people who are "Dr." and offend them. Instead, we just used everyone’s first names:
John and Jane Smith (or Jane and John Smith) – I think we generally put the person we knew better’s name first.
John Smith and Jane Doe – for women who didn’t change their last names.
Post # 21
The woman’s name is listed first in Jane & John Smith format because according to traditional etiquette it is rude to divide a man’s name in half. Silly, but that’s the reason as far as I know.
Post # 22
i love being mrs. his name!! 🙂
Post # 23
i agree with bride, i can’t wait to be mrs. his last name. but mrs. his first name last name? that rubs me the wrong way too. haha. we’re doing whatever (we think) people prefer to be called.
Post # 24
I think it is best to stick with tradition on this one. That way if someone is not a fan of it, you know they’ll just think, "but it’s tradition." If someone doesn’t like your modern take, they’ll be more offended. Just my two cents!
Post # 25
I agree with Haselwand. Either way, someone might get offended, but I think its better to just go with the same thing across the board instead of trying to figure out which couples prefer what.
Post # 26
Oh no! I’m not taking my husband’s name (catching a lot of flack on that here in Texas) and I consider myself a feminist but for some reason it didn’t register in my brain to deviate from formatted list my Future Mother-In-Law provided me! I did my family’s invitations that way as well, I think I just like the importance of having titles on there. Sigh- I guess we can consider that a nod to their generation. Luckily, I have not addressed the envelopes for my friends and I need to decide between His1st & Her1st Last Name or Mr. & Mrs. his1st & Her1st Last name. The latter is my preference for formality’s sake but is terribly cumbersome.
Post # 27
Recognize that much of the very prescripted etiquette rules were developed with reference to a formal event. Which would, by definition, be black or white tie – all the male guests in tuxes or morning coats, all the female guests in formal attire. I don’t know about you, but I’m not actually throwing that kind of party. If you are, then the correct thing to do is to address the envelopes as Mr. and Mrs. John Smith. If you’re not, then you can certainly address as Jane and John Smith if you like.
Prettykatie is correct that you do not separate the man’s name. This would also be the reason that you don’t actually write Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith. An envelope addressed to Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Smith would be more correct, and that is also the format you would use if, for instance the woman has a title that needs to be used (e.g., Mr. John Smith and Dr. Jane Smith).
But again, this all proceeds forth from the days when a wedding was a formal event. If you are expecting that at the most your male guests may wear a sportscoat, and your female guests will be wearing a cocktail or daytime dress, you should feel free to address the envelopes to Jane and John Smith.
Post # 28
I love how Suzanno can always jump in and make a great post that shuts everyone up (in a good way) 🙂
Post # 29
My fiance and I got into a huge argument over this topic. It was really unfortunate because it happened while at dinner with his mom. I’d told Garrett before that I didn’t like the idea of Mr. & Mrs. John Doe and that I didn’t want people calling me Mrs. John Doe after we get married. I am happy to take his last name, but I don’t want to lose my first name too!
He seemed okay with the idea until we talked with his mom about addressing the envelopes and she thought I was really strange for wanting to include wives’ names. I don’t see how anyone would get offended at being included on an invitation. I realize there are probably people who are really exciting about being Mrs. John Doe and I’m excited about being connected to my fiance once we get married and I want our kids to have our last name and whatnot, but I want to be included on invitations I receive, ESPECIALLY ones from MY friends. I can’t imagine addressing an envelope to one of my married friends and then not including her on the invitation. Plus, we’re not doing inner envelopes, our invitation wording is less formal (also it says Together with their parents, so we’re not making our parents seem ‘rude’, it’s clear that we’re inviting them), and it’s a post-official wedding party, so formality is kind of out the window.
I’m glad other people have struggled with this topic, but I wish it was more acceptable to just say “Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Doe.”
Also, not separating a man from his name? If my name becomes Jane Doe I feel like “Doe” is every bit mine as his now. If not, why lose my name?
Post # 30
Well, as one of those who won’t be changing her name, I personally don’t care how people address me. If they assume I took my husband’s last name and call me “MyFirst HisLast” that is fine with me. My fiance and I are a bit more “modern” and our parents just don’t seem to care either way. So we addressed our invites to Ms & Mr Jane and John Doe. We thought the ampersand looked cute.
I can’t personally stand the thought of being called Mrs John Doe. I actually get a physical reaction* to that, I am far too independent. But I am sure there are some women who get a physical reaction* to me not changing my name, so… what can you do? You can’t please all the people all the time, may as well please yourself!
Post # 31
This is so hurtful. It is just so wrong and sets such a bad example to young girls and boys, too. I find it insulting, ignorant and horrible on so many levels when women are addressed by their husband’s first name. I am a human being and I am a woman. I am not property of Christopher Braddock, I am not Mrs. Christopher. If your name is Emily, Lydia, Amanda, Jessica etc. you should be acknowledged as an individual. How silly does it sound if a woman is a doctor to say ‘Mr. and Dr. Christopher Braddock’ when someone gives me a place card or an envelope it should say Emily, it shouldn’t say ‘you’re nothing but your husband’s name’ never mind that you own a business, wrote a book and graduated from college. You’re just Mrs. Christopher Braddock now, no one would bother to address you as an individual with character and importance. This is so hurtful and insulting on so many levels. I want to spread awareness about this terrible old fashioned poor etiquette that doesn’t acknowledge that you are an important human being with a name and an identity. I don’t judge women at all for changing their last names, but seriously I am still a person with my own first name. Addressing me as Mrs. Christopher Braddock implies that I have no importance.