Post # 62
seconding crebre…i opted for ‘Plan D’ and it worked out great for us 😀
my guy is wonderful but, frankly, clueless. we’d talked extensively about marriage, our futures, babies etc etc, but it would have been a good ten years more before he even thought about maybe proposing (as insane as that sounds…he’s uh…special). no matter what i did. your ‘guide’ is written fabulously and might work for a lot of couples, but i just know it wouldn’t have worked for us! i am not one to needlessly put my life on hold, so i went and did the proposing myself. and he was pretty surprised, but very happy nonetheless!
Post # 63
This post is bombdiggity. Many girls I know are always nagging their boyfriends about marriage. These boyfriends (most were my friends pre-bf) in turn complain to my bf and I about the pressure and their annoyance with such heated discussions. They seem to grow resentful. I don’t talk to my bf about engagement because I am naturally laid back about our relationship. I love him, he loves me, and I’m not stircrazy about making it official yet. As long as I KNOW he wants to marry me, then that’s what matters to me right now in this moment.
BUT, to go back to the plan, yes I think its brilliant. Mostly because I do it naturally and my bf is now the one becoming a bit ansy. I get the feeling he will propose this year, or at least he’s thinking about it seriously, and I couldn’t be more ecstatic that he’s the one setting the wheels in motion!
Post # 64
LOL…Mr.Bee…you are so awesome and funny.
“Do all of these things (except for cut your hair)” … “go to the gym every day, even if you don’t feel like it”
hehe, great job on this!
Post # 65
- Wedding: June 2010 - The Mountain Terrace, Woodside, CA
Awesome post, Mr. Bee! Such fantastic advice!
Post # 66
Oh wow… Mr Bee, this is so true!
I feel like I just got it about a week ago, that it’s not gonna happen if I don’t let him BE THE MAN in our relationship and do things his own way! I don’t mean to stop talking about getting married, just to stop bringing it up so compulsively. I’ve been a professional nagger (embarassing to write, but true) for the last couple of months, and it’s never had any positive effect. In fact, I felt he just kind of emotionally withdrew from all the intensity of my demands… until it finally dawned on me (with much prodding from him!) that this was not the way things were meant to go, and that wedding talk had become a huge source of fighting– definitely not the context in which we want to get engaged. So I made the decision to shut up and focus on us. Amazingly, I’ve been almost a week in this new frame of mind… and it’s made wonders! I guess he must be thinking “thank Gd my girfriend’s sanity is back!”, but the thing is that, as a side effect, he’s been much more interested in talking about weddings we’ve been to, details that have made an impression, etc… and, honestly, it’s made us both much happier, which is the main idea of being together, right?
So I’m definitely sticking to “the plan”!
Post # 67
Mr.Bee- LOL I guess that would be helpful huh?
We’ve been dating continuously for 4 yrs 8 months, both out of school, but BF is trying to join the Coast Guard (bootcamp wont happen til Sept or Oct). I brought up ring shopping as an idea so I know what kind of ring I would like and what he can start saving for. We were thinking about going next week…should I just “forget it” and see if HE brings it up instead? (Like, “Hey were both off work today, would you like to go look at rings?”)
waiting patiently for your guidance and wisdom,
Post # 68
- Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion
Very interesting! I think it’s good advice for the most part.
I think you’re right about the whole “not feeling in control” thing. That is exactly how I felt while I was waiting for a proposal from the Dude! Because the guy proposing to the girl is so antiquated–these days most people have relationships as equals so it’s weird to leave such a huge step up to just one person in the relationship.
For me personally, I had set a time in my head by which I wanted the Dude to propose/thought he would propose. And up until that point I was very happy with where we were. But when it got to that point and it didn’t happen, that’s when I started to get frustrated. It got to the point where I was so upset about it I had to bring it up to him. If I’d only known that by the time I brought it up, he was already planning the proposal, then I would have been fine!
Oh well. My advice to all the waiting ladies is to take matters into your own hands (i.e. have a talk or just propose yourself!) if you’re getting tired of waiting. That is, if you haven’t talked about it yet. I’m sure a lot of you have already.
Post # 69
- Wedding: September 2010 - Heron Hill Winery
SPOT ON MR.BEE!!! I totally went through some of those steps during my waiting process…Was pretty guilty of nagging myself!! It prob would have gone a lot smoother if I wasn’t with Fiance when he bought the ring. He held it in front of me like a piece of candy to a chubby kid and I threw my share of tantrums when it took longer than expected….in the end I went back to acting like there was no ring and focused on our happy relationship and then boom surprise engagement!
Post # 70
You’re pretty much Amazing, Mr.Bee!!!
Post # 71
fuschiasparkles – It’s a bit hard to tell where you guys are in the process… have you guys talked about marriage in the abstract, so that discussing ring shopping is the natural next step? If so, then that sounds completely fine. Only you really know the full context and what feels organic.
I did have two concerns from reading your psots:
1) The Ring
You mentioned ring shopping… do you have a sense for what kind of ring you would like, versus what kind of budget he has available?
The reason I ask is that if he has to save for the ring… he only has about 8 months to save up before he goes to bootcamp. Would you be open to a CZ or non diamond engagement ring? Because that could shave months off your waiting time.
How long do you have before the resentment over waiting starts to build up? Only you can answer that… if there’s not much time left, then you may want to consider starting the Backup Plan.
All that said, I get the vague-ish sense that you guys have healthy communication about your plans for the future and that resentment is at a minimum.
If that’s the case, just keep that ring cost to a minimum and the engagement should come soon! Good luck!
Post # 72
Ha, this is a great post. I brought up getting engaged every now and then for years. I got my proposal when I finally shut up about it. I even pushed it from my mind and decided I needed to just enjoy my relationship. A few months later, there he was on his knee with a ring.
Post # 73
THIS IS GREAT ADVICE! I attempted to be patient for a year waiting for my BF to propose and it never happened. It was like every holiday or major event i would think is it going to happen now and i always got let down.
So after I had my daughter and went through this scary ordeal with my delivery I felt more compelled to ask him. This New Years eve i finally did it!! What alot of pressure I tell you. Now I kinda see why it takes a guy so long sometimes just because you have to work up your nerve. Well I didnt get the full reaction I would have liked. He said yes, but also he wanted to propose and was planning on doing it this Valentines Day!!!! Long story short if I had just been patient I could have finally had my moment I have been waiting for! I know the wait seems forever, but sometimes he might truly be planning something. Since this all happened I am getting mixed reviews on the wedding planning do we dont we! Recently I have started trying to get my mind off of all of this and got back into focusing on me its not wrong to have time to yourself without constantly thinking about WEDDINGS! LOL..
THANKS MR BEE!!!
Post # 74
Mr.Bee – this is SPOT.ON!!!
Oh how I wish I had stumbled across this during my “waiting” period!! I admit, I committed all the sins of the cliched nagging Girlfriend wanting to get married!! We had been together almost 5.5 years, I was graduating from law school and it looked like we would finally be able to be together (we had been long distance all through law school). i was SURE it would happen. So as I waited, I checked off 4 (yes FOUR!) of my fellow graduates/friends’ engagements. Then the bar exam came and went…still nothing. I was so resentful and angry and confused. After all, we had been together for almost 6 years! And I vowed I would never want an engagement based on an ulitmatum.
FInally, I had a moment of zen. And, without knowing it, I applied your 3 step plan AND your 3 step “backup plan”. For the next 3 months I only focused on the great parts of our relationship, I made my own plans, I gave myself a post-grad makeover of sorts, I visited long lost friends…it was great. The next thing I knew, he was on his knee and the rest is history! We are happily married and he is wonderful! If only I had figured this out sooner!!
P.S. I think I’m going to apply this theory to my job search as well. After all, there are so many factors in my life that are out of my control right now, I’m going to focus on those things that I can control and just try to be positive! Again, thanks for this sage advice!
Post # 75
Awesome advice Mr. Bee. Hey… you should create a new Board called, “Dear Mr. Bee” in which you give us the male version of proposals, engagement, wedding planning, etc. Also, include some advice as above. Thank you for thinking of us “waiting” bees!
Post # 76
I wish you would have posted this while I was waiting!! 🙂 It’s an awesome plan!