Post # 77
fusciasparkles-why not make it into a general jewelry store trip? tease him that you want him to know what you like in case he wins the lottery and wants to buy you lots of jewelry…afterall, there are other rings a guy can buy a gal that aren’t engagement rings (of course many gals probably hope those rings are gifts AFTER the ‘big one’). Then afterwards you can go to whatever store he likes and have him point out his favorite type of whatever so you can know ‘just in case’ for future holidays etc. like if your guy is mr. fix it, have him show you his favorite brand of power tools and point out to you things on his wish list, or go to an electronics store or wine store or whatever.
and maybe when you go look at jewelry in general, maybe he will start to go look at the e-rings on his own while you’re there…you never know. 😉
Post # 78
I second that, Ms. Snuggie!! A Dear Mr. Bee section would be awesome! I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years but we’re both still in school and not ready to invest our time or money into a wedding yet so I’m not really waiting for a proposal any time soon. I’m just addicted to planning way too far ahead in advance for my own good, so I sneak around weddingbee looking for ideas for the wedding that will happen who knows when : )
Either way though, that advice is excellent for any relationship. It’s amazing how easy it is to forget to invest time in yourself! Thanks again Mr. Bee!
Post # 79
MrsK2Be mentioned using it in a job search as well…this plan definitely could help in other parts of life. If a person is feeling stuck career wise, and decide to take that pottery class they always wanted to on wednesday nights…well it could lead to a career as an artist, or it could lead to meeting someone who knows someone at a company that’s hiring, or it could just give you a new outlet and something to look forward to wednesdays during work.
i think back to all the after school clubs and stuff i was in when i was a teenager sometimes, and wonder why i let those sorts of activities go. sure, there never seems to be enough time.
mr. banana and i were both going through separate stressful career things back in the fall and i could feel that the negative stuff in the rest of my life was starting to affect all of my life, including our relationship. i had a moment where i realized if i didn’t do something new, try something different, then this scary situation that was happening was going to take away even more of my life than it already had, and i wasn’t about to give it that much control. i’d seen an advertisement for some Krav Maga (a type of Israeli self defense) class somewhere, so i decided to try out a session. i ended up not taking any more classes (it was too expensive at the moment) but the few “moves” i learned that night helped me feel more in control and safe, and it gave me some of my self confidence back. well, mr. banana was proud of me for taking that step and being strong, and also admitted he started having thoughts about all the guys in the class checking me out. i burst out laughing when he told me that.
Post # 80
@bananagirl – Your advice is right on target *if* you’re dating a guy who is ready and willing to commit!
My Plan/Backup Plans though, are aimed at guys who are a bit slower to pull the trigger. I wouldn’t advise that you lure a guy into a jewelry store to look at rings together, unless you guys have already discussed it ahead of time and you’re both ready to make that step.
Thanks guys for the kind words about a Dear Mr. Bee column! I’m touched by your vote of confidence. But most people don’t really listen to advice, so it would be somewhat futile. Waiting ladies are different though, which is why I wrote the post. 🙂
Post # 81
Ms. Snuggie… I’d love the idea of a “Dear Mr. Bee” agony uncle column… awesome and hilarious at the same time. You should totally put that up on the ideas board!
Post # 82
Just to avoid any suspense, I’m not gonna do a column… I may write a few posts on the Waiting board about all this, but that’s it. 🙂
Post # 83
@mrbee–i’ve been lucky when it comes to my waiting…a month after he told me he loved me he started asking me unofficially to marry him. but that was over a year ago..he’s had certain career and financial things he wanted to take care of before tying the knot, which i understand but at times it drives me crazy. so basically he decided i was ‘the one’ and he was ready to tell me that, but he wasn’t ready to walk down the aisle. he asked my folks permission and we picked out a ring, so it should be on my finger by Easter. of course life is never predictable and things can change (like the original timelines of NYeve and labor day).
i have my own backup plan of sorts….last month i told him if we weren’t officially/un-secretly engaged in five years, then i’d buy a fake ring and just tell everyone we were engaged. his reply? he told me in five years he hopes to start having kids so it certainly won’t be that long! hysterical!!!!!
Post # 84
mrbee – a HUGE thank you!! for starters, it’s incredibly refreshing to see a dude’s perspective here and I’ve been meaning to applaud you! second, your advice is amazing and i only wish i had read it oh, about 5 months ago!! it’s funny that i’m totally going backwards now (implementing the backup plan now that we’re already engaged!) but it feels good anyway. i think it’s good advice in general in any stage of a longer term relationship – sometimes we ladies tend to forget who we are and focus too much on who we’re with. your plan seems to be working for a lot of waiting bees out there, and thanks again for this gem!!
Post # 85
FH says that girls have a better chance of being engaged if they can just enjoy the relationship without worrying about getting married, AS WELL as being trustworthy, respectful, and not greedy. He says keep in mind that the whole “I want to get married in Hawaii with a honeymoon in Europe” approach is going to fail, MISERABLY, and will send guys running.
He does say one thing that helps is on occasion and naturally to flirt with the idea of getting married. For example, if you two are happy and in the heat of the moment, say something like “lol yea our kid could wear this..” or something like that. And that if it goes over badly, then implement the backup plan.
Post # 86
LOVE that this has been stickied– haha! Way to go Mr. Bee!
Post # 87
This is GREAT….haha, I would never have enough patience to make it through this process but it sounds like a great plan!!
Post # 88
Mr. Bee – I really love your tone of voice when you write. It seems as though it comes natural to you, and it felt like you were literally having a conversation with us (one that could have been had in the “If He’s Not Marrying You” section of He’s Just Not That Into You). I think it’s really good advice, and I appreciate you taking the time to share it with us – while I have heard of both ultimatum and girl-proposing-to-guy being successful, I definitely think you’re onto something. Thank you….you rock!
Post # 89
I wish I would’ve seen this a year or so ago!!! Very helpful advice, esp coming from the male perspective… I tried hard to be patient, but I did find myself bringing it up often and we’d get into arguments sometimes. We moved 2 states away from our families, to where my Fiance would begin law school, and ppl were giving opinions about engagement about from that point on! It was hard to have moved to be with him, and still not be engaged… But I made my own life, had my own friends, a good job.. We also went through some major life-changing events along the way, such as the loss of my father, so getting engaged took the ‘back burner’ for a while. We had some ups and downs, and almost ended it last summer when things were especially tough… But through it all we still wanted to be together… still enjoyed each other more than anyone else…. and still loved each other. Things started to get better, and were going very well from that point on… I got an amazing new job, and was pretty focused on that… We were enjoying our time together, and arguing a lot less…. He proposed at Christmastime (4 months after that turning point in Aug), and I was definitely surprised!! But, I had also got to a point where I was not focusing solely on the engagement, but enjoying our relationship and my life because I wanted to be happy. But thanks for your advice.. very helpful to those in a similar position to me, waiting and not sure what’s going to happen, but not really wanting to make an ‘ultimatum.’ Thank you!!!
Post # 90
Great advice, I’m trying my best to be patient.
Post # 91
I’m new here and I have a question for your Bees (and Mr Bee): how do you know if your guy is the type to need to implement the Plan/Back-up Plan?
I know my guy wants to get married, he brought it up a lot when we were first dating. He also said he’s never be with someone more than 6 months if it wasn’t a possibility. And I never felt strongly about marriage before I met him, btw.
Then it hit me that he could be the one. Around 6 months in we talked briefly, we’d had so many ‘general’ discussions about marriage that he initiated that I wanted to know how it applied to his life. He freaked out a bit and said he wasn’t ready (maybe in 6 months to a few years), although he wants to get marreid in theory as a future plan it was overwhelming to think about him ACTUALLY getting married. He took my curiosity as trying to pressure him. I said I didn’t mean it that way I just wanted to know his thoughts. Then he asked me what my timeframe and I said I didn’t know how to put a timeframe on it becuase I never wanted to marry anyone before him, obviously wouldn’t wait indefinitely but I’d wait as long as I could before starting to feel like an unequal relationship. Maybe 4-6 more months would be ideal. Not meant to be an ultimatum. Then I completely dropped the topic and we haven’t spoken about it since.
We’ve met each other’s family/friends, gone on trips, everything is great! I’m so happy, he’s my dream guy.
Now we’re coming up on 10 months being together (counting backwards, i’m getting near the ‘window’ of when I said I would want to be engaged).
Is there a way to check in on how he’s feeling without it being totally loaded? or do I just pick a date for the back-up plan?
All my friends say I have absolutely nothing to worry about, they know he’s going to marry me. I just don’t know if he needs a nudge or the Back-up Plan. It’s kind of crazy to be able to talk about everything but us gals can’t talk about wanting to get married, there’s this stigma on it.