(Closed) Mr. Bee’s Three Step Plan (and Backup Plan!) for getting engaged

posted 12 years ago in Waiting
Post # 122
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

@Lively19:  I agree! I wish I had found this sooner, along with the “Shut it Up” pact.

 

Thank you Mr. Bee! I found my own way to the Backup Plan after a long, tiring road of waiting. And I don’t think Mr. Bee’s suggestion is to ignore your SO. His suggestion is to find the spark that attracted him to you in the first place. I know in my relationship, we got so comfortable that I realized I wasn’t taking the time to go out or get dressed up because I was in a comfort zone as well. I needed to push myself to hang out with my girlfriends on a regular basis, amd schedule some “me time”. I encouraged him to do the same. And it makes our time together even more special.

Post # 123
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

This is amazing. 

Thanks! 

Post # 124
Member
793 posts
Busy bee

Yay! Thank you to whoever made this a sticky!

Post # 125
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

Oh bees. Cry

Im doing this and mr Bee is nearly over his dead line and once he is, I am leaving him.

We have been together for several years and are in our late 20s.

He knows I want to get married because I’ve had the “initial talk”..several times but all the signs he is giving me point to a big fat disappointment.

He knows I had hopes for starting a family over the next 2-3 years too.

We started looking at houses together and that has been put on a massive hold as he now isnt sure he is ready to buy. This was a big red flag in my head dispite the fact that he is using finances as an excuse.

We have a big holiday coming up mid july and if he doesnt pop the question at the end of it I am leaving him. 

The worst thing, these men have no idea how much this whole waiting thing has an impact on our health. It infuriates me.

It has caused me to feel very depressed. I have started day dreaming about other men. I would never cheat on him though because its against my values but I am definitely noticing other men more now… and i think its because i am supressing my unhappiness. I feel myself emotionally distancing myself from him as preperation to leave him and he has NO idea. He thinks everything is peachy and that Im just the best girlfriend in the world.

Im trying to follow this plan and not talk about it and as a result I am supressing my deep unhappiness with the situation.

 

Post # 126
Member
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@stelah: if its gotten to the point where you are going to leave if he doesn’t propose, I highly suggest having a talk about it instead of just throwing it away. I don’t think it’s fair to make secret deadlines in our head without telling them. As much as an ultimatum is never good, a silent ultimatum is just as deadly! Maybe he doesn’t know you’re in a hurry, maybe he just needs time to think it out. I know when I brought engagement up casually about sx months ago, my SO of almost three years had no idea it was even in my head. He just assumed that we love each other and plan a life together and figured that ought to be enough. Even since I expressed that while I agree, and I don’t love him any more or less with or without a ring, it is still something I would like. I am a girl after all :-p 

And even after all that still nothing. So while I intend to implement the finding myself steps of this plan (it will be super great for me and us I think) I think it’s best that I (and maybe you too) ought to just focus on bettering ourselves and not pressuring our men, silently or oherwise. If you have a great catch, you don’t want to lose him by being impatient (I know I sure don’t ether) It’s hard and grueling some days but we can do it girl! We can love ourselves even better and they will realize, we are girls worth marrying 😉

All in good time my friend, try not to go too stir crazy!

Post # 127
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

Thanks lalalyanneEmbarassed

He knows what I want and I have told him what my timeline is.. he knows I want to be engaged. We have had a few serious discussions. We have been together……get ready to be shocked.. T E N  years and we are both in our late 20s.

I think I have been pretty good though.. I havent mentioned it at all.. but lately EVERYONE IS ASKING ME. I wish people would stop.

His mother is asking me. His sister is asking me. His friends are asking me. MY friends are asking me. Its driving me absolutely nuts! 

We are going away to some very romantic destinations this year.. in a few months and if he doesnt propose its over simply because if he doesnt do it now, he never will.

Being quiet has gotten extremely hard for me.. because I end up bottling it up and then having a mini break down all on my own.Embarassed

The whole house stuff has affected me as well because I associate that with commitment. I know I shouldnt.

To top it all off.. my friend who has been with her bf for 7 months is about to get engaged.
FML!

 

Post # 128
Member
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@stelah:  Be strong, gf! And we can’t compare our relationships/timelines/engagements to others because it only drives us more crazy! Believe me, my best friend got engaged in FIVE months. They were talking about getting married and she picked out a ring in the FIRST month they were dating. Now my SO and I haven’t been together nearly as long as you and your SO have, but I’m still getting antsy. I compare my SO to my best friend’s husband because he was just so ready to commit to her and my SO won’t even move in lol. Like why is he different? Does he love me less? I could go on and on with the questions and comparisons, but it only makes me crazy/sad/whatever. I just saw this post last night and decided that I’m going to implement the backup plan. I’ve totally let myself fall my the wayside for my relationship and my man’s friends (we spend most of the time with them, not my friends). We’ve been spending less time together already because we’re both busy with school and work, but I need to take care of myself better. Maybe you should go to a spa or something and pamper yourself! Get a massage, mani/pedi, whatever! 

Post # 129
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

@stelah:  We are two peas in a pod where this situation is concerned…I feel for ya because I’m currently in the same dilemma. My SO and I have been together for 8 years this October. During that time I’ve seen babies be born, cousins get married even two of his friends that were on a path to become priests got married instead. His brother met a girl and proposed within 6 months and didn’t even tell my SO because he felt bad for me. We found out at a mutual friends wedding from another friend. Plus like you said everyone asks WHEN?  I know he hates that question. I’m currently back in school pursuing a Nursing degree. Yeah that keeps me busy but I have felt the itch since year 3.  I go out with my friends take vacations with just the girls but it seems like nothing will get him moving.  I recently asked him to move out and not really sure where this is going…..

I hope you have better luck than me. Just know where here rooting for ya.

Post # 130
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

@stelah:  Any update, hon?  Hoping that you got engaged!

Post # 131
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

This is my first post and I just wanted to mention that I think it’s brilliant to take a step outside of the relationship and view it from the outside in.  It’s so easy for me to just be in my own head but when I realize what I’m doing by viewing it from his perspective or just any person’s perspective, I realize how silly I’ve been!

The last few days have been a rollercoaster because a friend of mine went ring shopping with her  boyfriend.  I started bringing it up and depending on my boyfriend’s response I would either feel happy or sad.  So I’m really glad I read this thread because I’m deciding to not bring it up anymore.  And it’s not that I don’t have a voice in the relationship but I’ve already mentioned it and whether I like it or not, this is now the waiting period.  He knows I want to get married so it’s all on him now. 

Some think on here that the backup plan is cruel and manipulative, but the way I read it agrees with other advice I’ve read about not being at his beckon call, having a life outside of the relationship, and taking care of oneself.  These are all great things! 

So yesterday I said no to lunch and also no to spending time with him last night.  I already feel more confident and in control of my life.  This morning he sent me a good morning text message which he hasn’t done in months!  So you know, I think it works as long as you don’t take it too far and as long as you’re not doing it with hopes of him proposing soon.  That’s something that might not change, but what will change is my level of confidence and level of enjoying my life.  I’m going to get lunch with a friend today and I’ve started reaching out more to my friends who I’ve missed.

I’m not hoping for an engagement tomorrow or any time soon because it probably won’t happen, but I’m hoping for a better version of me.  And the more I love my life and myself, the more he will likely love and respect me as well!

Good luck to the waiting crowd!  It’s tough and emotional and heartbreaking at times but I hope we all keep enjoying the wonderful lives we have. 🙂

Post # 132
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee

I’m still on the fence about all of this.

I do want to get married, obviously, and I want to have kids.

I have decided to move forward with this plan.  Here’s what I’ve done so far, and where’s what I am going to do:

1)  I graduated from my University in August.  I am 30, I’ve been getting anxious and was REALLY hoping Mr. Veryberry would propose sometime after that.  No luck.  I’ve decided that it’s time to worry about the next step of school-getting my masters.  (Mr. Veryberry and I had a talk about it last night, and quite honestly, Mr. Veryberry seemed excited with me talking about this and provided pointers).

2)  I’ve been taking ‘fun’ classes with my dogs and my friends who have dogs.  I plan to keep this up in some capacity.

3)  I’ve been reconnecting with friends.

4)  I’ve not dramatically changed my hair–yet.  I have been keeping up with my hair cuts and playing with highlights, as it just plain makes me feel good about myself to have this done.

5)  Depending on where Mr. Veryberry and I move to (We are def moving, could be cross country), I might be getting a new job.

The only thing that I think I have changed about this plan is that my personal timeline has changed.  I wanted to be engaged by 30 after I graduated.  Mr. Veryberry wants to be done with school too and relocate first.  While I was hoping he might propose before the move-I know that I’ve made my wants VERY clear, he’s let me know that he knows I want to get engaged and married, so there’s nothing else for me to do.

I’m going to drop it, focus on myself, and shut up about it.  I see a lot of support for Mr. Bee on here, and I’ve seen a lot of women say they may be following this without a follow up if it worked or not!  So, I’m going to be a test case I suppose. More to come…

Post # 133
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Thank you Mr. Bee! This is amazing advise, I also wish I figured this out sooner as I’ve been with my guy for 5.5 years and living with him for 3.5.  Thank you so much for taking the time to help the waiting bees!

Post # 134
Member
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

This is amazing! I just posted a thread looking for advice but I wish I would have read this first. This is perfect and straight from a man. I think I can handle doing this for a while. Wish me luck, bees!

Post # 134
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Just wanted to resurface this post.. its a great one

Post # 135
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
travelbee:  thanks travelbee, I haven’t seen this before. I think The Backup Plan will be among my New Year’s Eve resolutions so your timing is terrific.

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