Mr Nice Guy routine

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

He may very well have gotten the vibe that you might be considering leaving.  His reaction is called “hoovering”, a tactic used by controlling and abusive men quite often.  

From the Out of the Fog website:  “Hoovers & Hoovering – A Hoover is a metaphor taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship, gets “sucked back in” when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.”  

This. Happens. All. The. Time.  Don’t let your guard down because he’s temporarily behaving.  Unless he’s been taking meaningful steps in therapy or has been medicated in some way, this is most certainly not going to last.  He’ll be back to his old self in a couple months’ time, and you will have wasted yours. 

Post # 3
Member
8582 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2016

My ex was always super sweet and nice when he felt like there was a chance I might walk away. It only lasted as long as it took for him to feel I was invested again. Then it was right back to the same ol’ shit. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Maybe he has changed, see what happens but keep your guard up cause likely he hasn’t. 

Post # 4
Member
2660 posts
Sugar bee

@ssholes aren’t @ssholes 100% of the time.  If they were, would you have gotten together with him in the first place?  If he was just 100% pure @sshole from the start, would you have said “Sign me up for some of that! I like being treated like sh*t and disrespected!”

I’m going to guess the answer is no.  Nothing has changed.

Post # 6
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee

Is this the same guy who makes 3x your salary, but wants you to pay half of everything? Because that isn’t “nice”.

Post # 7
Member
450 posts
Helper bee

andromeda99 :  he’s playing you, bee. And you’re taking the bait, just like he knew you would. 

Post # 8
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee

One of my exes was totally like this. Except not only would he suddenly transform into mr nice guy when he felt me pulling away, but he would somehow manage to get himself into situations that made me feel too sorry for him for me to leave, or would guilt trip me into coming back. Among other things he literally broke bones 3 times RIGHT before (or right after) I broke up with him. Which would also put him out of work. 

 

You have to remind yourself that it doesn’t even matter if he’s periodically nice – even if it is genuine (which it probably isn’t). Being nice sometimes doesn’t negate being a dick the rest of the time. 

Post # 9
Member
5720 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

 

andromeda99 :  No offense but you’ve been contemplating leaving this guy for what? A year now? I doubt he suddenly sensed you’ve been having doubts NOW unless something changed… Have you made any steps towards actually leaving recently?

Post # 11
Member
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Prednisone can impact behavior and cause outbursts and whatnot but you need to stop making excuses for this guy. He treats you poorly. Who gives a fuck why?

Post # 12
Member
2461 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

The saddest part about this thread is that you’re not used to him being nice or compromising with you, and that’s what’s causing you the most worry. It’s beyond dysfunctional.

Post # 13
Member
2511 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

My husband is on Prednisone (among other things) and has a history of not reacting well to it, however it’s unavoidable for him at present.  He knows it affects his mood and makes him short tempered and liable to outbursts.  But you know what he does? He is aware of it, he knows the effects it has on him and he actively works to counter that and doesn’t let it affect how he treats me and others.  He’s sought help to manage the side effects of it, and has coping strategies in place.  That’s what a responsible adult does.  The meds are not at fault for your SO being an asshole, bee. 

Post # 14
Member
5720 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

andromeda99 :  So you’re so shocked by him being nice and willing to compromise on things that you think it’s all an act to keep you around??? Like him compromising is so normally out of the realm of possibility that it’s got your hackles up? It is so sad that you are so taken aback by him actually being a decent human being. Think about that Bee. 

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