Post # 1
Hello Bees, many of you know the struggles I’m having and how I have been putting off leaving my SO. For the past month, he’s been a stellar partner. Kind, thoughtful, compromising, and apologizing for things I wouldn’t even expect an apology for. It’s throwing me off. I keep wondering if he somehow found out I was thinking of leaving soon?
But, at the same time, all this Mr Nice Guy routine is making me soft. He came down with shingles the other day and he’s handling the pain as best as he can, but I feel for him. And, he’s even apologized to me for not being sexually available becuase of it. It’s all weird.
Post # 2
He may very well have gotten the vibe that you might be considering leaving. His reaction is called “hoovering”, a tactic used by controlling and abusive men quite often.
From the Out of the Fog website: “Hoovers & Hoovering – A Hoover is a metaphor taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship, gets “sucked back in” when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.”
This. Happens. All. The. Time. Don’t let your guard down because he’s temporarily behaving. Unless he’s been taking meaningful steps in therapy or has been medicated in some way, this is most certainly not going to last. He’ll be back to his old self in a couple months’ time, and you will have wasted yours.
Post # 3
My ex was always super sweet and nice when he felt like there was a chance I might walk away. It only lasted as long as it took for him to feel I was invested again. Then it was right back to the same ol’ shit. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Maybe he has changed, see what happens but keep your guard up cause likely he hasn’t.
Post # 4
@ssholes aren’t @ssholes 100% of the time. If they were, would you have gotten together with him in the first place? If he was just 100% pure @sshole from the start, would you have said “Sign me up for some of that! I like being treated like sh*t and disrespected!”
I’m going to guess the answer is no. Nothing has changed.
Post # 5
My ex husband was much more obvious and blatant about his attempts to shape up. My SO today just seems more agreeable. Like he just started taking an upper.
He’s being nicer to his kids, as well. You know, I know this is going to come off as me defending him but he foes take prednisone often for his RA and I swear his bad moods and acting like an asshole are related to his meds.
Post # 6
Is this the same guy who makes 3x your salary, but wants you to pay half of everything? Because that isn’t “nice”.
Post # 7
andromeda99 : he’s playing you, bee. And you’re taking the bait, just like he knew you would.
Post # 8
One of my exes was totally like this. Except not only would he suddenly transform into mr nice guy when he felt me pulling away, but he would somehow manage to get himself into situations that made me feel too sorry for him for me to leave, or would guilt trip me into coming back. Among other things he literally broke bones 3 times RIGHT before (or right after) I broke up with him. Which would also put him out of work.
You have to remind yourself that it doesn’t even matter if he’s periodically nice – even if it is genuine (which it probably isn’t). Being nice sometimes doesn’t negate being a dick the rest of the time.
Post # 9
andromeda99 : No offense but you’ve been contemplating leaving this guy for what? A year now? I doubt he suddenly sensed you’ve been having doubts NOW unless something changed… Have you made any steps towards actually leaving recently?
Post # 10
llevinso : Funny, but I wonder if he saw an email that I got from a realtor whom I had messaged about a rental home I was interested in.
I got home one day and he said he borrowed my computer and sent an outgoing email to his daughter. I did see that when I checked later and he’s never been one to snoop or go through my phone or ever act jealous…..but I did wonder if he happened to notice something.
So, yes, I am still looking. My son has changed plans and is going to be living at home next year which threw a wrench in my plans to get a smaller place. He’s had some setbacks emotionally and I’m not ready to move out yet. And, to be honest, I still love the man I’m with. And, yes, it may be dysfunctional but that’s obviously my cross to bear. I just don’t trust the super nice guy routine because I’m finding it hard to understand. Being nice is one thing, but being compromising has thrown me for a loop. That was a bit out of character for him.
Post # 11
Prednisone can impact behavior and cause outbursts and whatnot but you need to stop making excuses for this guy. He treats you poorly. Who gives a fuck why?
Post # 12
The saddest part about this thread is that you’re not used to him being nice or compromising with you, and that’s what’s causing you the most worry. It’s beyond dysfunctional.
Post # 13
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
My husband is on Prednisone (among other things) and has a history of not reacting well to it, however it’s unavoidable for him at present. He knows it affects his mood and makes him short tempered and liable to outbursts. But you know what he does? He is aware of it, he knows the effects it has on him and he actively works to counter that and doesn’t let it affect how he treats me and others. He’s sought help to manage the side effects of it, and has coping strategies in place. That’s what a responsible adult does. The meds are not at fault for your SO being an asshole, bee.
Post # 14
andromeda99 : So you’re so shocked by him being nice and willing to compromise on things that you think it’s all an act to keep you around??? Like him compromising is so normally out of the realm of possibility that it’s got your hackles up? It is so sad that you are so taken aback by him actually being a decent human being. Think about that Bee.
Post # 15
No, he’s usually a nice guy. It’s the willingness to compromise that is different. Usually, he’s very ‘my way or the highway’.
but, the niceness is just more exaggerated than usual. Like yesterday he told me he still hadn’t forgotten that he promised to take me on a date for my birthday (which was last week) and that once his shingles clears he wants to make it happen. In the past, I used to have to remind him of those kinds of things.
and he now likes to fall asleep holding my hand despite the amount of pain he’s in. He’s always thanking me for everything, he has just been going a bit above and beyond more than usual. He’s never been a complete asshole or I would not have stayed with him.