Post # 1
Over the past few years that I’ve been with Fiance, I’ve come to realize that I’m a much more adventurous person than he is. I’m not super wild, but I like to do something fun impulsively once in a a while. I also like to be creative and challenge the accepted ways of doing things. I don’t like to follow rules just because they’re there. Now again, I don’t want to get in trouble with the law or take huge financial risks or anything, but I feel like Fiance and I are on opposite extremes. He is completely fine with a routine life. Some examples:
1) I really wanted to go to Thailand for the honeymoon, and he agreed it was perfect, but refused to go because he was scared of political unrest. I showed him posts from people on this forum and others saying it’s NOT DANGEROUS AT ALL, but he refuses to go so we decided to go to Hawaii instead.
2) I brought up a dream of mine which is to spend some time abroad before having kids. I would be fine with getting jobs in Europe for a couple of years or just taking 3-4 months and backpacking around South America, Asia, or really anywhere he wants. But he won’t hear of it because it’s “too crazy.” When we were dating, he said he wanted to travel too, but now it turns out he was thinking more like vacations every year. But that’s not what I want – I want to take a more unconventional route and I need to not just have the typical upper middle class house and two kids life in order to be happy.
3) And a smaller example of how it affects daily life. I’ll want to do something random on the weekend, but he refuses because it’s too “out there”. I just suggested going skiing for one day tomorrow (found package that includes everything for $100/pp). He says no because he wants to be responsible with money. But we are honestly doing fine financially, so I feel like it’s just an excuse.
I am so frustrated with all this. I am fine with getting married young (I’m going to be 23) but I want to get married to my life partner who will be my fellow traveler and adventurer. We started dating while living in Spain and got engaged while traveling in Eastern Europe. He loved the adventurous lifestyle as much as I did, so why does he want to be conventional and boring now that we’ve graduated college?
Sorry for long vent. Anyone have any advice? I hate that this is happening two days before our anniversary, when we were supposed to enjoy a romantic night together. We talk about it a lot, but there is really no resolution. He feels one way and I feel the other, and it seems unfair to ask either person to change their fundamental beliefs.
Post # 3
Do you have to travel together?
Mrs. Bee is much more adventurous than me… I try to keep up, but her appetite for travel is just so huge! But in the past few years, she’s gone to the Cayman Islands, New Orleans, and Paris without me… plus more I think.
Besides I bet if you just go on fun stuff on your own, he’ll want to come along on some of your trips. 🙂
Post # 4
We are the same way. I am more adventurous than my husband. But, it works out well because we compromise. I make him step outside his comfort box and he keeps me from having “too crazy” of ideas (like, i’m with your SO on the backpacking in europe thing, that’s too much for me!)
He doesn’t believe in vacations (he says they aren’t necessary at all–he grew up poor and never had one until our honeymoon) but i kinda make him go with me. He goes b/c i want to go. And realizes he still has a nice time
He’s just comfortable maybe? Or, just “settling down” which is perfectly reasonable. A lot of peopel get “boring” once they graduate (me!).
Even if you have a fundamental belief, it’s all about compromise IMO. I enjoy going “out” more than my husband; he comes occassioanlly but I go with my friends usually. And when he asks me to come to dinner and a movie with his buddy and his wife, I say yes. Even if I don’t really want to go.
But if he NEVER wants to go out…maybe there is an underlying reason. Not wanting to spend $100/pp to go skiing last minute is reasonable IMO. We rarely do last-minute things b/c of money. Spending money, for us, is carefully calculated. You could always say, “well, we could do this instead of X” and then mention something you’d normally do that costs money. Remind him that sometimes you have to go out and make yourself have fun doing things.
But i do see that at some point you could feel stifled. He has to bend a little, as do you. As it is now, it sounds all “stay home” from the perpsective you’re giving though which is no fun
Post # 5
I think what you want to do sounds great and if I had the time and the money to do it, I would. Maybe your Fiance is concerned about saving money for a house together or for your future and in his mind “its a waste of money” I love going on vacation but we just dont have the money to do it often.
Im in the same boat as you – I want to go snowboarding for a day but Darling Husband says its too expensive. And it may not be that expensive but once I think about it, we could spend all that money on one day of doing something fun, or we can save it toward something else that would be more than a few hours or toward something else.
Can you compromise? Instead of going to Europe for a year or backpacking for 3-4 months, maybe you can do it for a shorter amount of time. Then you Fiance might be comfortable with it and you still get to do what you enjoy. It sounds like the whole travel thing was a miscommunication – he probably thought you knew he meant “regular” vacations and you thought he knew you meant “adventurous ones”.
Post # 6
I think a relationship is all about balance. I am such a planner and Fiance is completely not! In the beginning it drove me crazy but now we have kind figured out a system that works for us. Maybe you can do the same with your Fiance. For example since he picked Hawaii which is opposite from what you wanted maybe you can pick the activities. I would definitely tell him how you are feeling and how you dont want things to get boring for you guys and you just want to experience the world with him. Maybe there is a balance somewhere for adventurous and safe! I hope that you guys can find it together. I think sometimes it great to be opposite from Fiance cause it can definitely make you look at things different! Hope this helps some. And dont let it ruin your anniversary!
Post # 7
this was exactly how i felt when my partner and i first got together – he was a bit conservative and i was more of a wild child – which is kind of funny b/c i’m older but anyway… we always talked about how we loved each other so much even though we were nothing alike.
i really didn’t know if it would work but know what? we stayed together and we kind of grew to be alike – he became more outgoing/adventurous and i now have my feet planted a little more firmly on the ground. i learned some things from him and he learned from me too. we’re now both happy uncoventional people who love adventure – but have stability too.
marriage is a partnership and there’s compromise involved – but the compromises just sort of seemed to happen with us. i bet you will be the same. i could have written this post although i suspect you are much younger than i am. you do mellow with age but not that much – but things do have a way of working out when you love each other.
Post # 8
In general I’d say: no its not a dealbreaker…. but is it to you?
I think I’m more adventurous than my Fiance. One of my dreams is to travel through Africa and he says: mmk let me know how it is. I love rollercoasters, they scare him. I’m more outgoing, he’s more shy.
Honestly there was a point in time where it really bothered me. I thought— if we have kids is he going to teach them to be scared? I want to raise kids to live boldly! Not timidly!
But… I love him. Yes he’s more cautious than me and yes it drives me a little crazy… but it ISN’T a deal breaker for me. I think my kids will be well rounded because they’ll see two ways to live life. They’ll see that you can live cautiously or more adventurously. And as long as he isn’t going to stop ME from going to Africa? He can stay at home. I don’t need a clone of myself, I need someone I love and want to be with… most of the time. 🙂
Post # 9
Lots of adventurous ladies on here!
I’m also in the same situation…I’m more adventurous and outgoing than Fiance. He’s more of a homebody and I’m a social butterfly. Our first vacation was to Vegas because he was scared to go somewhere he hadn’t been before.
Things have changed gradually though. He’s open to doing more than he was previously. But he’s never going to be spontaneous and I accept that. We have to have dinner/drink plans before we leave the apartment because he can’t just pick a place while walking.
And like EJS’s hubby, he just doesn’t really like to go “out.” But I get that time in with my girlfriends and he’ll go out every once in a while to something that interests him.
I don’t think it’s a dealbreaker though…just compromise.
Post # 10
I think your concerns are valid, but am wondering how you’re voicing them to your Fiance. I don’t know how receptive I’d be if my partner framed my worldview or perspective as being essentially limited in some way. It certainly wouldn’t make me hugely enthusiastic about stepping outside my comfort zone.
Since he’s clearly not entirely averse to travel or risk (see: previous jaunts) I’d do some digging to find out why he’s suddenly feeling more conservative.
Post # 11
I’m in a similar situation. I am used to traveling a lot, and he has traveled very little. I’ve been to Europe twice, he has not. He doesn’t like to leave the house for spontaneous trips or weekend getaways. He’s a Super Type A Plan Everything kind of guy and I’m a wing-it girl from way back. But we compromise… for me it wasn’t a dealbreaker, but it was one of those things that made me take a step back and say, “Woah… do I really know what I’m getting myself into here?” I just think of all the great things about him I would be missing if I tried to wait around for a guy who wanted to up and leave every five minutes to pursue whatever crazy idea I had. I think you’ll learn to compromise with each other (but it might be nice for you to let him know that’s what you expect in the future!) and find other travel partners. My mom and I are best buds and we go everywhere together. She and I and another girlfriend frequently take girls-weekend trips away and have a blast. There are certain things I wish my Fiance and I could do together, but he is great and perfect in other ways that make travel one of my lesser requirements. You just have to think about what’s right and important to you!
Post # 12
I think CorgiTales hit it on the head. For the most of us it might not be a dealbreaker but is it for you?
It kind of sounds like your FH is happy having being an adventurer before and now wants to settle down because he’s getting married. I’d just tell him that just because you’re getting married doesn’t mean you can’t do something spontaneous every so often – like skiing for a day (especially as you’ve found a great deal).
Post # 13
If you’ve never seen the movie “Forget Paris”, you need to because it sort of centers around this idea. Might be a good V-day rental :).
Anyway- personally, I think a relationship with 2 adventurous/impulsive people doesn’t have a lot of long-term potential. Someone has to be the one with their feet on the ground that looks at the big picture. Yes, in theory, it might sound wonderful to move to Europe and backpack across South America (not to me but to each his own 🙂 ), but it’s not really the most practical thing to do in this economy. Your FH is probably looking at what your goals are in the future- buying a home, having a family, etc.- and trying to make sure that you will be to acheive those in the future.
If your FH lived abroad, I think he is a more adventurous person that you are giving him credit for. He is willing to travel for vacations, which is I think a good compromise. I think you should appreciate the fact that he’s trying to reign you in a little :).
Post # 14
I’m not the adventours type but my Fiance is. I’m a planner and he is a fly by the seat of my pants type person. He says it’s because his job is so rigid that when he gets home he just wants to do what it he wants to do and when he wants.
I’m more I’ve got to know in the morning what my plan is for the day. We have learned to balance each other out.
For instance, his idea of a vacation is pack a bag and go to the airport and see what flights aren’t full and go there. I’m like no way I’ve got to know what to pack. So this past year I said lets pick a region of the world. Europe and go from there. That way it is still adventours enough for him but allows me to pack and do a little research before getting on a plane.
Post # 15
I’d like to provide a balance and say that there is nothing inherently non practical in living abroad or traveling a lot or being spontaneous. Not everyone wants to own a house and some adventurous travelers still manage to afford it etc. I don’t think such a person needs someone to bring her back to earch but she does need to decide what her priorities are and if one of those priorities is someone who will fly with her.
I do think the fact that you met him in Spain indicates that he’s not necessarily that rigid and it’s worthwhile to discuss what has changed about his goals.
I also think that it’s crucial that he realize how important adventure is to you and your happiness and (to sound cheesy) your soul. Society tends to view adventure as out of the ordinary and to view desiring adventure but postponing indefinitely as the normal way people do things – so he might not be giving the issue the importance it deserves because he doesn’t realise you’re sacrificing anything important by living in his comfort zone.
I do think that with good will and flexibility compromise is possible.
Post # 16
This is a tough one, because it reflects something you learn about yourself as you get older. I met Fiance when I was 21 and had just realized how important having some adventure in my life really is. That has been a great part of our relationship. We’ve found balance as we’ve aged and settled down and had a chance to do some of the adventurous stuff. But if I had discovered this side while I was in the middle of a relationship, it would have been tough.
I think this is the kind of thing you need to tell him you need. You are allowed to have needs, and part of a relationship is being good, giving and game (thanks Dan Savage!). He needs to be willing to give you things he may not want, and he needs to be willing to explore things. that may not mean a year in Europe, but it should mean being willing to consider an adventurous honeymoon (and Thailand really isn’t asking much!) or going away for the weekend, if the objective reality is there (Thai safety, money for the weekend, etc.).
I would discuss with him that this is a need. It may not be what everyone else needs, but it is what you need. I understand frugality and practicality, so he should be able to negotiate with you (we can travel more on weekends if you buy fewer shoes, for example), but he needs to be willing to compromise. And as Mr. Bee mentioned, that may mean being supportive of you travelling alone sometimes.